#06.09.2023

Toniği sür bekle serumu sür bekle nemlendirici sür bekle bu ne kızlar ya

Hot as all hell today, can't wait to be at the beach on Sunday. Slowly getting there! I'm going out for drink tomorrow night so will be able to do my make up all nice. I'm a little bit sad as I had to have a convo with my mother today and as usual came away feeling bad. She seems to think she's recovering from this particular mental health episode. I guess that's possible, but it doesn't bring me any joy strangely. I was worried about what would happen and how we would deal with things if she didn't recover but I don't feel reassured particularly by the fact she may well recover in the near future because it doesn't feel like it's long term. The Big over arching worries, what about her house, how are we going to deal with my father dying and his funeral, all the myriad admin difficulties that come with life events especially when they Happen to mentally unstable people who are fundamentally unskilled in navigating their own life. I fear I'm being unkind, and I think a large part of that is because I can never forget or put it too far out of my mind that this is the woman who tormented me for years and years when I was at my most vulnerable i.e. a child. Her being in recovery causes alarm in that there has been respite for a year from her trying to wrangle contact and info from me and now I fear it's all going to start again. But it's different this time because I have a new focus on asserting boundaries that I didn't before. I have had validation in the most unpleasant way possible in the past year that indeed she is a deeply troubled person and its not my mind playing tricks on me when I remember instances of her in her bad states going out of her way to harass and denigrate me. The fact she would always pull it together around strangers or third party professionals made me question myself. That and of course the constant gaslighting that I was a horrible cold hearted liar. I can say I have been fair to her really and truly and I don't owe her anything further. The sick feeling I get when I talk to her is really alarming. It's such hard work dealing with her, she's like a vampire desperately trying to suck information and emotion out of me. I think I will have to continue dodging calls and limiting contact.