#05162014

The initial phase of the transition was rough. I've never felt so alone, or doubted myself so much before in my life. Is this even the right school for me? Did I make a mistake? &i've even had nightmares about whether I was even going to be able to pass my classes or not, got paranoid about whether the friends I've made really liked me or not. I'd go to Sunday night mass, sometimes with friends, sometimes solo. &I ended up just going alone every weekend because I wanted my 'me time' there, in the candle-lit church with acoustics playing in the background. I needed to get away from the chaos &stress of academics. I kept feeling this void inside of me, but I didn't know how to fill it. I guess I was pretty happy (because I chose to be), but I also felt like there was something I was missing out on. WYSE was the only thing I was involved in at the time, and the only thing that made me feel fulfilled. My SOC crew was my ride or die crew here &the reason I looked forward to class. Everything else just drained me.

Fast forward to Spring Semester, when I joined VSA and became social director of WYSE. I had so much to do, I simply didn't have time to be consumed by my thoughts anymore; personal worries kinda just disintegrated while I focused on projects. At first, i was just distracting myself from thinking too much. But over the course of a couple of weeks/months, I realized I needed to stop seeking whatever it was I was trying to find. Now, I don't feel a void anymore. I'm at a good place. However, although I've met a lot of people, most of them still don't understand who I am; they just have this false depiction of me &make me into what they want me to be. &I've come to peace with this fact. I stay picky &it's going to take time for me to unravel myself. I'm not like other people, who are eager to build as many friendships as possible. I'd rather be loyal to a solid few &invest my time fostering those bonds. This is why I became more introverted. I started to realize that it's easy to lose yourself if you're constantly around others, so I've been stepping back a lot to make sure I'm doing what I want &reminding myself of my values. 

Most people here just know the on-the-surface, fun, outgoing Thao. &for the rest of you that have been exposed to more? Do me a favor. Realize that you still don't know who I am, &maybe that will leave space for you to understand me better. Hell, I'm trying to know me better too. 

Overall, I've met some pretty phenomenal people &learned more than I could've ever imagined. Yes, I did choose the right school. &I need to constantly keep choosing to make the most out of the rest of my time here.