#0513chat

i think so much about them yearning because in my heart of hearts there is a beauty in them there is a beauty UNTOUCHABLE by anything else

the way they care for each other in the story the way they live for each other the way they both see each other as what they lack [m; seeing yuji is a naturally good person like tsumiki bc he doesnt view himself as a good person - y; seeing megumi as super smart bc he doesn’t view himself as smart]

theres something in the way they just. know. theres an understanding between them that no matter what they will always follow each other into hell because its always going to be them and THAT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF

the way they love each other oh my GOD literally what am i supposed to do except snort it like its laced cocaine.

1; i want to scream and cry and rip my soul out nd kill everyone and start the 3rd impact because i immediately think of them yearning for each other and it makes me feel so much

2; tma au on the brain

3; a specific song im fixated on that goes with them to me [yearner mysic]

4; them being freaky..

5; other aus

i don’t love anybody in a unique way. being so honest i have a boyfriend but there isn’t a unique way i would kiss him. i would kiss all my friends the same way. i would love on them the same way, should they allow that. i’m unable to love people differently. i’ve always loved everyone the same way.

the amount of times i’ve been so afraid of how intense i feel for my friends, forced myself into situations i shouldn’t have been in is insane. why do i do that to myself? push myself and my feelings into a label that doesn’t fit what i truly feel inside? why am i so afraid to express this? why am i so afraid to love freely when that’s all i want?

it’s because of how society as a whole categories feelings. since forever, society has made it clear theres three types of love; familial, platonic, and romantic. that we have to fall into one of these or else you’ll be berated and forced to conform. if any normal person heard about the way i describe how i feel about people, the way i yearn, and the way my soul works they would classify all of it as romantic.

but it’s not. it never was. my soul yearns for people in a way that’s so much more than just romantic or platonic. growing up in a society that forces you into those labels made this fear of expressing how i truly feel manifest itself within my heart, which in turn makes me hold myself back. i forced myself to conform into relationships i didn’t want and it fizzled everything out because it wasn’t what i needed. i needed someone to touch my soul but nobody ever has.

sometimes i’m afraid nobody ever will. i yearn for companionship, i yearn for someone to make me feel loved, to make me feel wanted, i yearn for someone who won’t force me to conform into a label that cannot even begin to grasp the scope of what i feel. i am of the soul. i have always been of the soul. i am a lover, and a yearner in my soul. it connects itself to my heart.

i love my boyfriend, i really do, and in no way did i force myself into a relationship with him. i wanted to be with him. i’m okay with those labels because i know it’s of the soul. but at the same time, it’s not unique. there’s no special thing to it at all. it’s the first time in a long time i’ve done this. that i’ve been okay with it. my horror story of an ex really drove in that point i just didn’t realize it yet; that i love with the soul.

it’s easy to charm me. it’s easy for me to love someone because as long as they reach the depths of my soul in a way like no other has, then i will stay and attach myself because that’s what my soul wants. and who am i to deny myself my own needs?

the group i’ve been with for the past few weeks has been one of the most loving experiences i have ever had. they’re so vastly different from each other, but they make me feel loved in a way i haven’t in a while, or ever, really. they’re make me feel wanted in a way i haven’t ever felt before. of course that’s not to say my boyfriend also doesn’t make me feel loved he definitely does, but so do my friends.

in my time of isolation away, i’ve come to realize how incredibly lonely i’ve always been. how emotionally neglected i’ve truly been because i never try to cater to what my soul wants. i hide it away because i’m afraid, but this group makes me feel so unafraid to express that part of me. the part of my aromanticism that loves everyone.

i want to not be afraid of myself. but i know i will. i always will be afraid to show how much i truly care because i’m afraid i’ll hurt someone with this. i’m afraid and so hesitant to be myself. i’m afraid to love freely. but i will always let people into my soul anyway, and i will love with every piece of myself. that is who i am.