#05.02.16

No doubt a lot of change has taken place within the past 4 weeks. It’s been both mentally and emotionally stressful and draining. But, in the tornado of change, some good stuff.

Finding courage, the kind which I’ve never before experienced, has affected me deeply and given me confidence in ways that were missing from my life.

Reconnecting with someone special.

Getting to spend more time with my daughter and cousins.

Having the opportunity to re-examine my priorities since things had become distorted and unbalanced within the last 2 years.

i keep writing notes on my phone: long, rambling, circular things that i delete almost right away. i don’t know what it is that holds me back from feeling happy enough with something to keep it for longer than it takes to read it twice, especially since i’m so prone to hoarding things: tucking away notes and words and thoughts and ideas for that elusive ‘later’. i mean, i have a note in my phone from 2011 about something a kid i used to nanny for said, but i apparently can’t hold on to what i want to say now, in 2016. so many things have been happening all at once that i can barely sort my head out, but i have a jar of ivy on my night stand and a green tea candle that i light every time i am getting ready for bed, so that’s a start. i can’t hold on to the notes i want to write about how i feel, or about this elusive ‘later’, but i can hold on to the lightness in my chest when i think about traipsing through puddles on the way back to my house, or you laughing with your hands in front of your eyes, or the first time you told me that you loved me. it was at the end of an email, almost an afterthought: “- i love you because you always say just what i was thinking about.”