#04302020

I opened voicemail to discover I never set it up when I got my new phone - every past message was gone. I needed to set that up, so I chose the default voicemail greeting.

my “lost” voicemails were all restored.

4.1.9

I found you:

“Hey, I know you’re probably asleep...”

“OK well so I wanted to tell you I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you. I’m sorry that I called you while you were asleep. Bye”

Your voice didn’t shock me. I haven’t heard it in 6 months, but it didnt shock me. I’m not crazy or pathetic, I think I just long to feel, especially in the lonely hours.

I laid the phone next to my pillow and played the message. It almost felt as if you were on the other end, truly there and I was listening, trying to keep my eyes open, because you do that when you love someone. We talked on the phone a ridiculous amount because the distance was hard. We lived for the weekends where we unknowingly began to witness the deterioration of what we worked so hard to build.

There wasn’t an ache there this time like there was when I replayed your message months ago. I cried, of course I did! You held the title of My Person for two years, even when our status wavered. I can’t suppress my feelings regarding the painful, insulting, degrading, selfish, and inconsiderable words you forced me to read by sending them in a text.

I know that I benefit from feeling. Not physically feeling - that gets me in loads of trouble. I mean mentally and emotionally feeling.

Mentally carrying the weight of wondering who else will think I’m crazy.

Emotionally carrying the backlash I felt from someone who once held me tighter than need be.

I mentally retrace my steps trying to figure out when the overlap happened. I try to figure out why you kept talking to me when you were out of love with me and making plans to commit to her.

Emotionally carrying my shame of mental illness. Emotionally carrying my shame of weight gain. Emotionally carrying my shame of flippant words and wild actions.

I like who I am. I like that I’m emotional. I’m glad that I have voicemails from you that I listened to tonight, after losing you months ago. I love that I can easily bring forth suppressed emotions and let them live and wander freely through my mind. Bitter sweet; a blessing and a curse.

Goodnight J, not in a weird loving way, just, goodnight