#04.07.2023

I snapped at H today and we spent the evening apart. I probably should feel worse about it but I didn't really mind being alone. I've found it so tasking at the end of the working day to also handle yet another person's feelings, or something. I feel like I have to filter my thoughts and feelings generally, like I can't just say what comes naturally because what comes naturally is horrible and hurts people's feelings and I don't want to do that. But I also get tired doing it. I'm maybe hormonal today, I had an intense time prepping for tomorrow although I did kind of enjoy it and got my mentor's sign off... I've been ravenous today which is also maybe hormonal. There's just been so many things recently. I am trying to get my head around the idea that maybe I am just different and I need to embrace that and not beat myself up for it. Maybe I do need longer recovery times in the evenings than other working professionals in my field, does it really change anything if I feel bad about that? It won't make me struggle any less to try to ignore that fact... I had a hot shower tonight where I did bond repair on my hair and shaved my arms and used body oil. None of that is strictly speaking necessary but it has made me feel good. I have such an instinct to only do what needs done and subsist on the bare minimum and push myself when I feel weak. And those urges have helped me sometimes but I also think they've hurt me.