#02.14.2018

I don’t even know where to begin, but I’m sorry feels right. I’m sorry for every single time and every single way that I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry for pushing you to ‘get help’ when you weren’t the one who needed it. I’m sorry for not loving you in the ways you deserved to be loved - fully, totally, completely. I guess this is my version of Arianna’s ‘You’re Perfect’ essay. I couldn’t have possibly felt closer to you...Honestly, in my brain, when you and I would lay down with one another, our bodies mushed into one. I know that sounds weird, but I don’t know how else to describe it. I never wanted to go anywhere without you, you made me feel so safe (even though you wouldn’t kill bugs), like if anything would happen you’d be right there...and you were. You ‘proved yourself’ to me so many times, but the time that I’ll never forget (and you know, eventually, I’ll forget everything) is when you stayed by my side when I broke my arm. You were the first person I saw, or remember seeing, when I woke up from surgery and you were there throughout my recovery, which was the lowest I’ve ever been. You never left my side, no matter how moody and/or shitty and/or smelly I was. Just know that that’s how I’ll always remember you, and it’s my favorite. You’ll always be my home, at least a part of you - even if it’s the smallest freckle(s) on your hand. I wish I was in the head space I am now when we were together, we could’ve been so much happier, I would’ve hurt you so much less. I wish I could snap my fingers and make you happy, no one deserves happiness like you do, and I feel like I took some of your happiness away and I hate myself for that. I was really upset this morning when you asked why I was asking you about your schedule and you assumed that it was because of sex. I feel like if anyone knew me or knows me, it’s you. I don’t know - made me feel like you forgot who I was for a second. I know you ‘fell in love’ with the girl who gave you that birthday card on your birthday however many years ago that was (I’m sure you remember), but I’m not her anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I am, but I’m also so different. I feel like I have total control of my feelings now, my emotions, my moods. I can turn my moods and emotions on and off like a light switch - it’s weird but nice but also awful. I feel so much more on the inside than I ever really verbalize, but you knew that. If I’m being honest, I feel like I know how I stand on most things in my life - literally almost everything except you. I know, now you’re the one who’s lost and sad and confused and whatever else. And it sucks and it’s sad but I still love you. I don’t think I could ever not love you. I don’t know where this letter is going - I don’t even know if it’s legible at this point, or if I’ll give it to you...but here I am trying not to cry in this stupid women’s studies class that we’d both laugh at. I feel like towards the end of us I expected too much from you - we’re still kids and I got ahead of myself and I’m sorry. I messed us up so many times and understand that we may not have a future. I used to be so excited thinking about us going to wrestling events with our kids and you putting them on your shoulders - feels so weird actually writing that out. You probably think I’m crazy, but that’s probably because I am. I guess I wanted to write this as a Happy Valentine’s Day letter type of thing, but nothing about this Valentine’s Day is happy. My heart will miss you on this day and honestly every day after that. Knowing you’re three minutes from my house and still not being able to see you kills me. I’m always wondering how you are and what you’re doing and who you’re talking to and what you’re watching. I’m insane. I hope you don’t laugh at this letter, I feel kind of silly writing it. I also didn’t know it was possible for my handwriting to be this awful...I lost my train of thought because we’re reading Lysistrata in class, ugh. I wish we could go back in time and ‘re-meet’ each other at Jordyn’s house and do it all again. Thanks for slapping me in the face. I love you. 

Always,  Sam

b: shake

s: banana + pb

l: brussel sprouts + carrots + veggie tots

gym

d: homemade pizza

s: slice of cake