#....tag

Recently, two coworkers called in consecutively, one on one day and one the next.

I know one of them has been unhappy here (he just put in his two weeks), and everyone was stretched thin because of one our full-timers was on vacation.

Both days it was just me and my boss dealing with everything--the first day she was forced to exceed twelve hours, working from 630 am to 800 pm (close), to give an example. Then she had to be back at 6 am the next day.

I won’t get into what I was working per day because it’s unimpressive for a healthy person, but physically devastating for me. I will say I ended up working 33 hours in five days, with none of those days off.... bear in mind my upper limit for working and not debilitating myself is 20 hours in seven days, with three of those days off.

But the point is, it was difficult for me not to believe that this was deliberate, that because the coworkers had closed/midclosed together the night before, they had done this on purpose, to “get back” at her (with me as collateral) because they were angry about their hours, or both of us (because I was complicit in allowing her to overwork... me and others?.) It made such sense, that they were doing this to teach us a lesson or out of conscious spite.

There were a few mitigating factors (the sloppy close the night before from someone who has never had a sloppy close in her life, the consistent unreliability of the other employee) that I could sort of point to as proof against it. Which did help.

Still, it persisted until I worked with the woman a couple days ago... and surprise, she was actually sick. Amazing.

(I don’t really care what the other guy was doing. He’s constantly late or calling in so his excuse is irrelevant.)

But it wasn’t until recently that I began to identify my concoction of these “minor conspiracies” as paranoia and... not.... well, I’m not sure what I thought it was. It wasn’t anxiety, haha.

I was, for a long time, under the impression paranoia meant you had to believe inanimate objects were watching you. It didn’t occur to me that this could be paranoia too. That people were conspiring against me in secret all the time in petty ways that still matter.

Of course, it also didn’t occur to me that my beliefs about climate change and the government and society weren’t paranoid, let alone delusional.

So I guess I’m not very good at this, ha.

I don't know why I agreed to this.

I don't know what moved me to make a Tumblr account. Perhaps it was the prospect of privacy from my family. Perhaps it was the need to share my thoughts and for others to read them.

Perhaps the prospect of thinking others really would read them even if they didn't pushed me.

I don't exactly know. All I do know is I made an account and my blog and posts are mainly based off of my favorite book which I suppose is cliche. But at the time I didn't think of how cliche it might be. And the quote I used just kind of opens up whole new questions. And this site poses a whole new experience. And I sit here and type this up and I realize how sad it is. For technology to be so intertwined with life I feel as though the only way to pose any sort of discussion upon life or my own personal journal to share with the world is on here.  I don't know who would want to know about my own personal thoughts though; I'm not particularly funny. I'm not that very uplifting in my own head. I guess I needed an outlet to talk about "me". No matter if everyone knows or no one knows.

I guess it doesn't matter why I chose to cave in. The fact is I did. That's what matters. So the people reading this or any of my other posts I want you to know,

I'm both happy and sad. And I'm still trying to figure out what that could mean. And maybe it only means I'm an adolescent girl. I don't know who I am. I just kind of am.

Thank you for reading this no matter who you are...Maybe you're a creeper that just likes to read shit. Sincerely,

Elizabeth.