#-punishment

Going off by my previous post, the relationship dynamic, at least in my concept, between Donald and Cecil has me thinking of how in many ways their relationship can be so screwed up.

I talked about before how Donald may hold a grudge against the GDA/gov’t for having taken away his autonomy to be human, that turning him into a cyborg has ruined his sense of humanity. And I’ve also talked about how Donald would, rather subconsciously, pin that grudge onto Cecil as the source of his grief and emotional distress.

Well, let’s take their relationship a step further on Cecil’s side.

Knowing the kind of job Cecil has to work with, it’s easy to admit the burden he carries as the director of the GDA — the big guy who makes the final calls in world-threatening scenarios. That sort of position and job role can really do a whole lot of mental and emotional strain on an individual, and it doesn’t help Cecil very much in terms of his own well being.

I mean seriously, this is the same guy who takes a goo bath instead of going to bed regularly and is on alert 24 fucking 7. He’s the one who makes decisions that are not just morally questionable, but also detrimental to others around him. He knows the kind of major sacrifices and horrid shit he has to pull in order to maintain Earth’s protection. He’s a cold and controlling person who berates his heroes and is not the best when it comes to showing sympathy to most people (though ofc he does try).

Though for a guy who seems to have dropped the idea of morality and being a “good guy,” Cecil is unfortunately not immune to the intensive guilt he holds.

He already bears an intensive guilt for the lives lost during the Chemical X incident that gave that scar on his face. He most likely bears a whole lot of guilt for the collateral damage and lives lost when Omni-man/Nolan had gone rogue. How much more guilt does Cecil carry exactly? Is it just for the lives that he wasn’t able to save, or does/can this also apply to the weight of his actions? Does he feel guilty for his actions?

He remarked once during s1 that he hates himself too sometimes. And while it can just be a simple passing line, what if it says alot more about Cecil than he allows it to be? Do you think Cecil carries so much guilt and weight of responsibility on and in himself, to the point that he (in some way) does hate himself? Do you think he greatly blames himself for the losses of innocent lives — even if it was out of his control?

I wonder if he, even in the smallest of moments, does whatever he can to remind himself about those faults and burdens that he has to make up for. Maybe even hurt himself in ways more than he wishes to admit.

Perhaps someone can give him that kind of relief— that punishment he has always been yearning for even if he is revolted by himself for wanting it in the first place.

Maybe he can help both Donald and himself out with that problem.