Oct 3, 2018
I feel like I’ll never be anything but my trauma
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I feel like I’ll never be anything but my trauma
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have u ever been so fucking mentally ill that u even manage to twist ur own compassion & empathy against urself like, every part of me wants to throw myself on the flames of other peoples disasters, to spare them the pain of burning every part of me wants so desperately to keep everyone else from suffering, never ever wants anyone else to hurt ever again. if i could i would honest to god take on everyone else's pain for them, shield them so they'd never have to feel it but there's this nasty part of me that says those feelings aren't real. that i don't really want to help or protect people, i just want to play some kind of martyred Saint & have people see how Good & Kind i am, that i want to put myself up on some kind of pedestal i don't???? want any of those things at all! i know this! i have fucking recoiled any time someone has tried to put me on a pedestal. i compulsively deny & downplay these qualities in myself when they're pointed out by others bc it embarrasses me &, in a circular bullshit way, that kind of attention & recognition makes me feel like i must just be doing/feeling this way FOR the attention but i still manage to have these horrible intrusive, looping thoughts about how badly i want to protect people & how disgusting & fake & selfish i am for having those thoughts Bad Brains are confusing bullshit!!!!! ://///
on this episode of Bad Brain Moments w/ a Doge: why do i NEED to be liked by literally everyone, even people i can’t stand & have no desire to interact with. why do i immediately fly into ugly jealous fits of rage when someone who expresses ambivalence or dislike toward me, immediately warms up to someone new to whatever group/environment we know each other from.
why can’t i just do my job and not constantly feel like i need to be the best at everything, the most well liked, the most dependable & capable. why can’t i stop seeing things like undesirable number of hours/days scheduled, as either a punishment bc of some unknown misstep i clearly made, or a personal attack because Obviously my boss Hates Me & wishes I’d quit or preferably die (despite her literally saying the exact opposite of all of these things, multiple times & somewhat frequently)
I Don’t Feel Super Okay About Work rn!!!!!!!! 🙃
cw: abu-se// me//nt-
haaaaaaahahahaahahaha, there’s was a guy in the store earlier tonight who was the GD fucking spitting image of The Bad Ex and i was by myself bc my coworker was late again and golly gee i sure did slide right on outta my body for near on 30 minutes there!!! :,,)))
thank god he had green eyes. i had to keep reminding myself that the Ex had brown eyes & a deeper voice so it was okay. it wasn’t him. and anyway i can’t think of a reason he would have come to the south. so it’s fine.
w h y does every "adult"/authority figure in my life suddenly want something from me Right Goddamn Now??? why does everything they're asking of me require both an immediate answer, and a fairly large commitment (which i can't currently make bc i lack the pertinent info)?????
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i wish i knew how to stop getting it into my head that i NEED [X material object] or else i will Never Be Happy Again, lmao
ok but the real question is why do i continue to do shit like stand there literally bleeding from re-opened surgical wounds, seething with rage at my coworker for taking the only chair in the back office, but.... refusing........ to say anything about it.........................