feel like I’ve outgrown my friendship with my best friend. I can feel myself becoming passive aggressive or maybe a just careless when it comes to dodging conflict. Like the other day there was something I was supposed to give him over the weekend, but I was busy his house was out of the way and I knew he was intoxicated. So I told him to drop by my apt to pick it up on his way to work because it’s along the way. When he asked my address I said “It’s the same it’s been for the last 4yrs” before giving it to him. Because even though I’ve been living on my own for 4 yrs he’s barely come hang. I drive the same distance to visit him, and realized it’s not like his house is a block away from a bustling street with lots of activities. And offers nothing that my apt doesn’t. And our friendship is just unbalanced.

But getting back to the topic of why I kinda wanna distance myself from him because he’s not mature at all. I get tired of the same convos and outside of partying we really don’t have much in common. Like when Alan Rickman died, I didn’t expect him to know the actors name. But I said Snape, and he texted back who’s Snape. Idk but I was just annoyed like cause he’s best friends with me, my dogs name is Draco, i have a hp tattoo, it’s was just annoying. And like we’ve never gotten christmas presents and i hinted i’d get him something. I got him a watch because he’s been making better style choices, but he got me…nothing with like 6yrs of friendship i helped him get his job maybe I shouldn’t have expected anything. But it just reminded me of a feeling i got when a year ago when i made a new friend that was here on an internship, like showed me how low my expectations where when it came to having a decent friendship. Anyways, he also has a drinking problem, but recently decided to go to AA. Mostly because he asked me if I thought he changed a lot after his break up, and lingered that he should just stop drinking it’s not doing anything for him and he doesn’t have the control he thinks he does. But other than that he’s also lies a lot, like for no reason and seeing some one lie like that makes me not trust them and over the years he’s lost a lot of my trust. Just like a week ago he brought a girl he says was just a friend but joked it would be something pretty to look at or fun for me and my other friend wanted to make out with her. It’s not the first time he’s tried to pass a girl onto me that I never met. And it wasn’t in a “maybe you’ll hit off tone” but literally in a “you should sleep with this girl i know”  

I guess the biggest thing is that keeps me from distancing myself is that he comes off as needed, and is difficult for me not to be there for him. He’s in a financial crisis but just got the thumbs of for top surgery. But part of  believes he needs a harsh wakeup call where I’m not there to protect him from. But isn’t it what friends do? I’ve pointed out stuff that bothered me and stood up in my own ways but it didn’t work. I can only think that maybe if I’m a little more confrontational even if it starts as being a little passive aggressive that it’ll help. Stop making things so convenient for him if it makes me go out of my way. Because I’m used to being a person that goes out of my way for people but it sucks when you realize you’ve been friends for like 6 yrs and it’s rarely the other way around. Being there for him feels like it holds me back. I know he has this feeling like all our awesome adventures are supposed to be together but I just don’t see it after years of saying we’ll do something then he backs out. It’s kept from traveling to even short distances because I don’t want him to feel left out.  

It just feels odd because there’s no big argument keeping us from being friends, nor do I expect one big enough to happen that would end our friendship. I know I’m not perfect in this friendship, but just not sure what steps to take.

-Lincoln

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Hi Lincoln!

Friendships are a tricky thing. They start and end for many reasons. There doesn’t have to be a big fight, or large event that ends the friendship. Sometimes people just drift apart and that’s completely okay.

When you look at ending a friendship, there’s a few things you have to ask yourself. Does this friendship benefit you in any way? Do you still enjoy being around this person? What’s the first thought that pops into your head when you think of this person? If you answer no, or have a negative reaction to all these questions, it’s probably time to part ways. In most cases, I’d suggest talking it out with the person, but you’ve already tried to point out the things that bother you, with no real progress. You could try giving it one more shot, but in the end, if the friendship is only hardships, I would end it. 

If you do choose to end this friendship, there’s two real ways to do it. 

Be straight up and let him know that you don’t think this friendship is working.

Slowly start to cut off contact. 

The first gets things done quick, with no way to misinterpret what you mean. It is slightly harder to do though. The second option makes it seem more like a natural end to things. You stop answering some of his calls, you’re busy more when he wants to hang out, etc. It’ll take longer to end the friendship, and you may leave him wondering what happened, though. Ultimately, the decision is up to you. I hope this helped you a bit? 

Love,