#-lazarus

Nana just died and I can't even grieve about that because my aunt is being beaten and choked daily, and my cousin has to deal with it.

She's going through the same horrifying shit that I had to growing up and I'm so fucking angry about it. Once again our shitty ass family failed a kid. A kid that didn't get a childhood. If anything I'm at least relieved that she's older than we were. She didn't have to deal with this specific abuse until her teens. It started at 8 for us.

Maybe she'll be able to heal easier. At least I hope so... That kid deserves the world. Hopefully us moving to NY will help. She lives a few hours from where we're going to be moving.

I hope we get to move soon. I'm so tired. All of this happening at once just made everything worse. That and my therapist has covid so I can't have therapy until next week. I really needed it this week.

I'm tired.

These dumbasses are going on a denial spiral and I'm pissed. So I'll write some stuff out to remind them and myself that we are valid.

From birth (literally) to now we went through trauma.

From 0-4 we had all sorts of abuse from bio dad.

Then abuse at home from mom and step dad drinking and fighting.

Moved to P.A and had druggies alcoholics in our house.

Neglect from mom.

The babysitter. Need I say less.

All the homelessness.

Couch hopping.

Mom being beat bloody all the time. The screaming. The drinking. Begging her to wake up.

Being kidnapped.

All the medic trauma. The surgeries. Forced sedations. Being burned with acid. Mom leaving us alone in the hospital so she could go to the bar.

2016. That is all I'm saying on that.

Mother's constant emotional abuse. Father's emotional abuse. The constant lack of stability.

So don't you EVER think thar we aren't valid. This shit I wrote down was a tiny goddamn portion of our fucking life. @Headmates for the love of G-d, please see that we are the way we are because of this. Just accept that we had a shitty childhood and move on.

Move. On.

So now I'm out with a skipping heart and stress sweating. I'm irritable. I'm scared. Poor Will in my partner system has to deal with me.