I’m really sad & I feel like I’ve always been sad. When I was younger I went through a lot of emotional abuse & I feel so guilty for my existence all the time. My mom just recently got diagnosed with cancer & I shaved most all my hair off to donate it in support of her & I still feel so guilty for being alive no matter how much my friends tell me that I’m a good person & that its going to be ok. I still hate myself. I can’t get rid of this voice in the back of my head telling me how pathetic I am. I feel so alone & all I want is for someone to hold me but no one does. I always feel like I’m imposing on people & I’m always paranoid that I make everyone else feel as uncomfortable as I am when I’m around them. I don’t know what to do. I’ve considered counseling but I feel like it would be forever before I find a counselor that can really understand & help me. What should I do?
-Bethany
Hi darling,
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of that. It is understandable how you're feeling but that does not mean that those feelings are the truth. There is no way you should feel guilty for your existence. What happened to you was emotional abuse. And you know what's that I say about it? It's not true. Look, if you think logically (I know it's different for feelings, but it's good to at least see the truth logically) then it makes a lot of sense that what they said to you is not true. They were trying to hurt you. Now how could they do that better than by making you believe horrible lies about yourself? They were wrong sweetie. They were completely wrong. You are an amazing human being and you deserve to be on this earth. You deserve to live a happy life.
I'm sorry to hear about your mum lovely. I wish her all the strength and courage in the world. Your gesture of shaving your hair of must have really touched her and I'm sure she admires you just as much as I do. But lovely, there is no need for you to feel guilty (I don't mean to say that you're not allowed to feel the way you're feeling, I'm trying to explain why it's a feeling that you shouldn't have to deal with and that I'm sorry for that you're dealing with), it is two very different cases. The fact that your mum has cancer has nothing to do with if you are here. Actually, how would your mum feel if you weren't here any more? Or if you were the one with cancer? Think about that lovely. It's not something she would wish upon you, absolutely not. You deserve to be here. So does your mum, you do both.
What to me sounds like a really good thing is that you've considered counselling. I definitely think it is something that will help you. It sounds like these thought patterns have been with you for a very long time so it's hard to get rid of them by yourself. But with professional help it's absolutely possible. You might not be able to imagine that now, but believe me it's possible! Maybe it will take a while for you to find a councillor that is able to help you. Maybe not. You never know, until you actually start looking for someone. My advice to you is: give it a shot. Give each councillor that you try a chance, try to open up to them. If you don't feel comfortable, then try another one. However I must say that in the beginning everything therapy related was uncomfortable for me, so it might be good to keep that in mind as well. Good luck darling <3
Love Pauline
