As I'm relatively sleep deprived (but going to try for sleep in 15 mins) and with pretty much feeling calmer, I think I can articulate my feelings a bit more clearly. I'm basically am just ready to lose control over my situation. Therapy's been at most the equal to talking to a wall. As my own therapist cant even see through me and I dont know how to bridge the wall. To continue in the next part- 99
I’ve been basically triggered due to an event, all coming from the news about a school called ‘Kermit Elementary School’. As, it was basically hell on earth for me when I was young. Any other little kids who hung out with me were bullied aggressively out of being my friend. I dont know why the kids hated me at all.
So I got either no friends, or the only one who I did got bullied because of me, so she turned aggressively against me and event blackmailed me using my grandmother, because she molested me, by emotionally blackmailing me into a lewd act. My gran’s anti lgbt so it’d have hurt things between me and her. Then with the story, with the boy getting suspended for a lord of the ring ref, that he was going to make his buddy disappear (when he wasnt actually).
Makes me just honestly want to cry. Drive a knife into my arm deep enough and go for ripping out my veins. As, they’ll do shit about a fake threat but wont never have done anything about the bullying I had, which has damaged any redeemable thing in me and has made me want to kill myself since I was 8, to now 15. The worst part is, this principal isnt the same one I had when I was there. And I want to sue the school retaliate violently against the hell that’s Kermit Texas but I cant.
Its been years so no one will believe me if I speak out but mum and dad. Even then they only had a clue, when the damage was done, which was when I was 11. So, 4 years. I dont know anymore what to feel, or whats been fucked up with me, besides what I got, as people recover but I havent even made progress for 8 years, going on 9. It’d be prefer if you can answer sooner but its okay if you dont.
I’m sorry about the late reply.
'First of all it is great that you are already seeing a therapist. it sounds though like things aren't going very well there. You seem to dislike your therapist approach and feel that talking to them is like talking to a brick wall. Whislt it is difficult for any therapist to see through' a person as they don't unfortunately possess mind reading skills they do very in their approach as well as ability to pick up on non-verbal ques. It may be that your therapist has a more analytical approach, which often involves sitting in silence with little in terms of a facial expression and allowing the client to talk freely with little direction. This works for some people but not for everyone. I suggest that at first instance you share your feelings about the situation with your therapist. It is perfectly OK to tell them that you feel like you are talking to a brick wall, that there is this gap between you and them that you are unsure how to bridge and that the whole experience is quite unhelpful to you and they don't seem to picking up on it. If your therapist does not respond to that in a satisfactory manner then I would suggest you consider a change. If you look for a new therapist it may be helpful to find out more about how they work and try alternative, more active approach like CBT (cognitive ehavioural therapy) for example.
I am very sorry to hear about the experience of bullying that you went through at school. It is not surprising that this had a significant impact on who you are. Recovery is a very individual process. Recovery following a prolonged period of abuse, like what you have experienced, can take a long time. Please be patient with yourself. You can recover. Maybe looking into improving your relationship with the therapist or changing to the new one could be a first step.
Hearing how school has responded to an event that is less significant then what you went through is understandably distressing. The attitude towards bullying is slowly changing. It is positive that the school now takes things more seriously. This does not change the fact that your concerns were not acted upon and nothing was done about the suffering you had to endure. I am not sure if you are already speaking out about this in therapy? You may not feel comfortable if you feel distant from your theraist and not able to trust them. I think it would be a way forward. To work on those issues with a therapist that have a positive relationship with you.
