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Lines taken from episodes s01e20 - s01e36 of the web series Carmilla. Feel free to change as needed. Part one is here.

❛ This need of yours to document everything borders the pathological. ❜

❛ Posterity doesn’t care. I should know, I live in it. ❜

❛ Whoa, you can’t tell it like that, like some boring history lesson! This is dangerous! This is exciting! This is flashback material! ❜

❛ You don’t think perhaps this makes light of my tragic back story? ❜

❛ I knew nothing of her, except she was very old and very wise and had pried apart the jaws of death to enact my rescue. ❜

❛ The wide world did open before me in death as it had never been in life. ❜

❛ I was never an abductor. I was a lure. ❜

❛ I couldn’t bear to give her up. ❜

❛ I had taken great lengths to hide what I was from her. But, [ name ] went to her in secret and revealed my true nature in the most horrifying light. ❜

❛ And so, my price for the disobedience was to watch [ name ] be taken away to some…certain doom. ❜

❛ I pretended to go along. I had no choice! ❜

❛ There can be great satisfaction in small revenges. ❜

❛ It doesn’t change the fact that my mom will scoop out your eyeballs and serve them in martinis. ❜

❛ Sorry, I’m not on board with untying someone who may eat me. ❜

❛ Pop culture has so much to answer for. ❜

❛ That’s some big talk, fresh meat. ❜

❛ Untie me and we’ll find out. That is what you’re here for, isn’t it? ❜

❛ Oh, yeah, victims who fight back are so inconvenient. ❜

❛ We don’t kill the targets! ❜

❛ Thank you for not letting him eat me. ❜

❛ That’s it? You just use me as a human juice box and I don’t even get an explanation? ❜

❛ Ugh, I’m a vampire and I’m pissed off. What were you expecting? ❜

❛ You never had much of a chance anyway. Sorry, cutie. Nothing personal. ❜

❛ Funny the way things work out, huh? ❜

❛ Fine. But only because I have nothing resembling a better plan. ❜

❛ Ugh, what are you whining about now? ❜

❛ Ethics are a ridiculous game played by children who think they can impose order on an arbitrary universe. ❜

❛ But the fact that we’re both not messily dead bodes well. ❜

❛ At what point in the last century did people give up on knocking? ❜

❛ The vampires loose. Why is the vampire loose? ❜

❛ Feel like telling me the secrets of your antediluvian vampire cult today? ❜

❛ So, after everything that she’s done to you, your big revenge is to be annoying? ❜

❛ And you know how you get to be centuries old? You pick your battles. ❜

❛ Not to ruin your big heroic entrance, Xena, but she’s not the one in trouble. ❜

❛ I have been doing my very best to be patient about the ambush and the hostage-taking and the starvation diet, but I am having difficulty remembering why it is I haven’t torn out your spine. ❜

❛ I was just…I was scared for you. ❜

❛ I care about you! Of course it’s my job to keep you safe. ❜

❛ Well, I’m sorry that my making my own decisions and being reckless is making it hard for you to do your job. ❜

❛ I like you. I really do. I like that you’re brave and strong and all kinds of righteous, but I don’t need a dad. I’ve already got that one covered. ❜

❛ It’s just, me and you…needing different things, y’know? ❜

❛ God, I hate this place. ❜

❛ So, it was kind of a long night last night. Seems the Alchemy Club lost control of this giant underground fungus. ❜

❛ Okay, you can stop pretending to be all callous and indifferent. They saw you save me. ❜

❛ Side note: what is it with people trying to burn that place down? Didn’t they already torch it back in 1904? ❜

❛ Well, nobody likes theater students. ❜

❛ Did you see [ name ] out there? Good thing she’s on our side, cause that was violent. ❜

❛ Yeah, I’d steer clear of her for a little while. Especially if she’s armed. ❜

❛ Yeah, sure. Okay, let’s just dissect my deeply painful past in excruciating detail. ❜

❛ Uh, yeah, crushes-on-vampires. ❜

❛ No! No. Okay. These are not things that happen. Vampires and evil, weird brain parasites, and giant mushrooms? No. ❜

❛ This needs to stop happening. I demand this stops happening. Just…be normal! ❜

❛ I get that this is all big fun for you. But you can’t just expect everyone to go along with all of this insanity. ❜

❛ Like it or not, weird is the way it is. ❜

❛ Yeah, or maybe just for tonight we stuff our faces with popcorn and watch bad scifi. ❜

❛ Blood…there was blood everywhere again. ❜

❛ Nothing should shine like that. Like the rotted heart of the world. ❜

❛ So, that’s not creepy. ❜

❛ Awesome. I didn’t need to sleep again ever. ❜

❛ Not to get all fascinated by weird things, but maybe it’s a clue. ❜

❛ How did you idiots ever trap me? ❜

❛ And since, uh, the subbasement where the archives are housed only exists after dark, a day trip was out of the question. ❜

❛ We are ready for the weird. We thrive on it. We tape our flamethrowers to our pulse rifles and we make the weird submit. ❜

❛ So we survived the research trip! Which, we should probably never speak of again. ❜

❛ Because somebody really did get absorbed into the Library catalogue. ❜

❛ Yeah, that’s the problem with the existence of horrors from beyond the dawn of time. Their lack of subtlety. ❜

❛ Eh, 1871 was a dull year. I decided to read Gilgamesh. ❜

❛ I thought I’d just…check to make sure you weren’t dead. And you’re not. So, that’s fine. ❜

❛ Don’t start expecting heroic vampire crap from me, cupcake. ❜

❛ I sure as hell know better than to spit in the eye of something old enough to think it’s a god. ❜

❛ If you want me to stop having heroic notions about you, you should probably stop saving my life. ❜

❛ I did dream about that weird black cat thing again, but I think that’s just my subconscious being weird. ❜

❛ If anyone had told me before college that fighting evil required this much paperwork, I would not have believed them. ❜

❛ Because A) she meddled in things that were none of her business, B) Did you really think we wouldn’t find out what you were up to C) we are ancient and terrible D) None of you are safe; we’ll take anyone we want. ❜

❛ Told you I’m not the hero of this piece. ❜

❛ What if the last thing she remembers is that I was awful to her? ❜

❛ You are ridiculous and headstrong, and naive, and this whole Lois Lane, Jr. gig is doomed, okay? ❜

❛ You can send a dude to college, but you can’t make him think. ❜

❛ Must be nice sometimes, though. To be normal. Or oblivious. ❜

❛ We drank a lot and danced like fools. Waltzing was fun. It had a frisson scandal back then. ❜

❛ Partners were face-to-face. Chest to chest. All of that, um…whirling. In 1698, it may as well have been sex. ❜

❛ Worst crush ever. ❜

❛ Are we calling the police? Possibly hiring a private investigator? Mercenaries? Bloodthirsty killers for hire? We can do that, right? ❜

❛ Is that new stuff appearing on the book because you spilled blood on it? Right, of course it is. ❜

❛ God, this just gets creepier and creepier. ❜

❛ What do you mean I’m back? I didn’t go anywhere. Did I…go somewhere? ❜

❛ Please tell me you didn’t waste an entire day making brownies. ❜

❛ Well, why does anyone start a cult? Wealth, power, eternal youth, to get back at people you knew in high school… ❜

❛ Did you record your own kidnapping? ❜

❛ Well, hey! If we get sucked into an underground evil, your deadline will be moved. ❜

❛ Can I have an extension on my term paper? Just for, like, a week, until the big soul-sucking ritual I have to thwart is over. ❜

❛ If you can’t keep your supernatural affairs in order long enough to get your assignments done, that’s your business. ❜

❛ This place was cleaner when you were tied up. ❜

❛ We just need something a little epic quest and a little more “borrowed from the museum of warfare and atrocities”. Maybe a nice bazooka… ❜

❛ Don’t be an idiot. Of course I’m doing it for you. ❜

❛ You didn’t come when I sent for you. ❜

❛ So if you’re gonna kill me, why not just come yourself? ❜

❛ Kill you? When you think of the lengths I’ve gone to save you from your own foolishness? No, but I thought we should talk without your little “friends” listening in. ❜

❛ Threats to the Sacrifice cannot be tolerated. One day, you’ll understand. ❜

❛ I think you’re a practical girl and you’ll see that everything I do, I do for the best. ❜

❛ That silly little creature couldn’t’ve loved you ❜

❛ Oh, darling, there’s no way for you to fight and nothing to fight with. Sometimes, that’s just the way of the world. And we must learn to bear it as best we can. ❜

❛ So if it’s all doomed, why even bother coming to tell me? ❜

❛ I thought I’d offer you a deal. If you can keep your little…pet here from making more trouble, I’ll let you keep her. ❜

❛ Y’know, we’re up to being big damn heroes. ❜

❛ Remember, she’s safe so long as you keep her from meddling. If either of you get in the way again, all bets are off. ❜

❛ I will feel a lot better when we are all together and heavily-armed. ❜

❛ This plan keeps you safe. It keeps your friends here safe. That’s all we can do. ❜

❛ You’re right; it’s all that we can do, but what if there were more of us? ❜

❛ And then, unfortunately, I was hit in the head with a tomato. ❜

❛ And like all of their arguments, it quickly escalated into a free-for-all, with paintballs and quarterstaff combat and no concern for the destruction of property. ❜

❛ I won’t let you take her. ❜

❛ After everything, you didn’t even try. ❜

❛ Go away. Go run and hide. We’re done. ❜

❛ So, college isn’t turning out quite like I thought it would. ❜

❛ I won’t try and force you. There’s no way that we can win. We might not even be able to make a dent. ❜

❛ Some things are more important than whether you can win. ❜

❛ Goddamnit. Of all the imbecilic, idiot, suicidal…you just had to go and get yourself eaten. ❜

❛ I just got a text “Trapped in basement of old chapel. Come quick. Bring stakes.” ❜

❛ Yeah, I think we’re supposed to be filming our soppy heartfelt goodbyes or something. ❜

❛ We won. We actually won. We won, and [ name ]’s dead. ❜

❛ No, no, no, no. That was hardcore. We do not apologize for the hardcore. ❜

❛ The light was everywhere. You could see these figures in it, reaching out for you. ❜

❛ Y’know, I really am starting to hate this heroic vampire crap. ❜

❛ Oh, and she was doing the whole “you fools, you don’t know what you’ve done, you’ll regret this, zombies will eat your liver, blah blah blah blah” ❜

❛ People are finally coming around, realizing they probably should have been upset about going to a school that serves eyeballs in the cafeteria, has safety protocols for escaped cacodemons, and where mortal combat is a prerequisite for tenure. ❜

❛ You did it. You saved [ name ]. You saved almost everyone. ❜

❛ God, her sole possessions are, like, a pile of empty wallets and some punk rock t-shirts. ❜

❛ I’m gonna need all of the bleach. God, how did you not die? ❜

❛ So, we think she’s … I mean, she seems dead, but she’s a vampire, right? ❜

❛ Are you hurt? It looks like maybe you’re hurt. And I’m sorry I hugged you so hard that you’re hurt, it- it’s just that you were dead and- and now you’re not and- ❜

❛ Posterity can bite me. I have better things to do. ❜

Lines taken from episodes s01e01 - s01e19 of the web series Carmilla. Feel free to change as needed. Part two is here.

❛ Nothing, not even the homecoming goat sacrifice, disturbs the pursuit of knowledge. ❜

❛ I passed the test! 62%. Which is pretty cool. It’s like a gentlewoman’s C. ❜

❛ This is our college adventure, come on! ❜

❛ And how is the Jäger-bombinatrix doing this morning? ❜

❛ And really, why does anybody do anything? ❜

❛ I found it next to a pile of ick that started growing mushrooms the next day. ❜

❛ Don’t judge. My dad thought I’d use an iPhone to send high-resolution selfies to potential stalkers. ❜

❛ If an incident is in progress, please dial 4815 or activate the nearest blue tentacle phone. ❜

❛ To report an escaped entity or poltergeist activity, please press - ❜

❛ Fine. I’ve got three weeks of a journalism class and I’ve seen all of Veronica Mars. I’ll find her myself. ❜

❛ I don’t know, things just got so foggy after the alchemy guys released, you know, the fog. ❜

❛ I’m your new roommate, sweetheart. ❜

❛ Oh, this is not happening. You are not my new roommate! ❜

❛ Boom! Revenge is mine. ❜

❛ See? Blood.In the milk container. ❜

❛ This is like, a death threat, or a health code violation. ❜

❛ Well, there’s no denying it’s a little…odd. ❜

❛ How many people you know take Type O with their Chocoa Crunch? ❜

❛ Are you really gonna try and pretend this isn’t a total freak show? ❜

❛ Oh, see, surviving. Yes, I like that plan. ❜

❛ A lot of problems can be solved through good communication. ❜

❛ A lot of problems can also be solved by taking hair and blood samples to figure out exactly what kind of freaky it is you’re dealing with. ❜

❛ You filled a milk container with blood as a prank? ❜

❛ It was food coloring, and…and corn syrup. ❜

❛ That bunched-up little face you make when you’re angry is hilarious, buttercup. ❜

❛ I kept on having the same dream before. ❜

❛ And the darkness is in my eyes and in my throat and I can’t breathe, and … ❜

❛ I-I’m sorry, I can’t be here anymore. ❜

❛ I really hope that it passes over you and I hope it doesn’t touch your face. ❜

❛ Are you really so damaged that you’re incapable of caring about anything? ❜

❛ You’re a child. And you understand nothing. Not about life. Not about this place. ❜

❛ You know what? The sooner you stop playing Lois Lane, the better off you’ll be. ❜

❛ No, I’m not just gonna give up. ❜

❛ So, maybe that’s just how it is, but that does not mean that I have to accept it. I deserve better. [ name ] deserves better. Hell, even you deserve better. ❜

❛ It’s a town hall meeting! Remember your training, we’ve got five minutes! Run, run! ❜

❛ Sometimes a girl’s gotta manufacture her own excitement, you know? ❜

❛ We should be reinstating our night marches. ❜

❛ And then the Zetas piped in with this chant that pretty much sounded like “pizza or death”. ❜

❛ I think we’d make a pretty great team. ❜

❛ Yeah, a team. You and me, absolutely. ❜

❛ Hey, is that fish in your hair? ❜

❛ It is very, very nice of you large, large gentlemen to offer to keep me safe, but as you can see, I’m in my room. Snug as a bug in a rug. So, you’re good to go. ❜

❛ If I decide to go wandering down some dark alleyways late at night, you guys’ll be my first call. ❜

❛ Get the hell out of here before I feed you each other’s spleens. ❜

❛ Dude, she bit me! That is so not cool. ❜

❛ Guess that’s it for the truce, then. ❜

❛ We have been working nonstop and, not that we’re geniuses or anything, but I think we’re really close to a breakthrough. ❜

❛ I think my brain has melted. ❜

❛ Chocolate is comforting in the face of epic failure. ❜

❛ And what kind of thrilling adventure do we find ourselves on now? ❜

❛ This is so childish. You’d think we were still six. ❜

❛ Schadenfreude isn’t very attractive. ❜

❛ But I so had it coming, didn’t I? ❜

❛ God, this age doesn’t understand obligation. It’s like an undersea anchor; impossible to escape. ❜

❛ They’re the ones using dander collected at parties to seed an immense interconnected fungus throughout campus. ❜

❛ Apparently, it’s a communications experiment. Or, maybe a really complicated risotto recipe? I don’t know. ❜

❛ Sorry, I just forgot that I have to be anywhere but here. ❜

❛ Oh, no. You are entirely too sweet ❜

❛ But you’ve got to admit it looks pretty hinky. ❜

❛ Confronting her has historically been about as effective as using bug spray on Voldemort. ❜

❛ Oh, wow. That’s…why are you wearing warpaint? ❜

❛ Come on! Why are the hotties in this room always trying to hurt me?! ❜

❛ That is unfair, okay, cause I’m here out of the, like, bro-ness of my heart, alright? ❜

❛ So, has it even occurred to you that while you’re duking it out, nobody is actually out there protecting anybody at all?! ❜

❛ Ah, it’s mostly just paintballs and anchovies. I’ll talk them down. ❜

❛ It just seemed so real…like…that weird moment of clarity during magic hour or the moment right before a car crash. ❜

❛ I was in my room and there was something in my bed. Something under my bed. This dark, prowling thing without a face. ❜

❛ I tried to pull the blankets over my face to hide, but the darkness started seeping through them like blood, more and more, until I was drowning in it. ❜

❛ Well, dreams are supposed to be strange. Last night I dreamt I was trapped under a bed. ❜

❛ But, just a dream. No reason for all of this…twitchiness. ❜

❛ There is no twitching. There is an absence of twitching. ❜

❛ You know, if it’s really making you so miserable, I could get you something to help you sleep. ❜

❛ That’s uncharacteristically considerate of you. ❜

❛ Yeah, well, I just don’t want you losing it and torching all my stuff. ❜

❛ The results are starting to look profoundly WTF. ❜

❛ I know Silas has some quirks, but I’m pretty sure spontaneous combustion, super strength, and an all-protein diet weren’t options on my roommate form. ❜

❛ Your Snape/Ron fic’s still on the screen, spaz. ❜

❛ It’s a charm or whatever. To help with the bad dreams. ❜

❛ So, in the spirit of all this newfound closeness, maybe you could tell me where you go all night? ❜

❛ Mmm, well, I have to keep some of my secrets. Otherwise, I’ll lose my air of mystery, won’t I? ❜

❛ Oh, you know, I miss my dad, I have papers due. I’m about to be my roommate’s next victim. ❜

❛ Come on. Let’s get you changed into something with a little less whiff. ❜

❛ Everything in your fridge is made of glucose and palm oil. I’m surprised you don’t have scurvy. ❜

❛ As soon as we got there, everyone was leaving the building, and yes, as the sun went down, we started to hear something…skittering. ❜

❛ Before you realized the staircase wasn’t in the same place anymore? ❜

❛ Before we realized we might have gotten a little turned around. And that most of the computer monitors we could see were warning us to “Run. Run now”. And the skittering was getting closer. ❜

❛ We created a flamethrower using a lighter and some mace. ❜

❛ I get a text that says “Come quick. Stuck in Library. Bring fire extinguisher” ❜

❛ Okay, yes! It was stupid, and we’re lucky that you didn’t have to save our souls. ❜

❛ Well, yeah, but we know she’s a vampire. I mean, we’ve known that since the blood in the milk container, right? ❜

❛ You all knew I was living with a vampire and nobody said anything? ❜

❛ She’s not a vampire. There’s no such thing as vampires. She’s a…light-averse octogenarian with extreme hemoglobin deficiency and really good skin. ❜

❛ My roommate is an honest-to-Lestat vampire. How do we stop a vampire? ❜

❛ No! No! We can’t immolate everyone that [ name ] thinks is a supernatural creature. ❜

❛ Well, I have an idea but you are not gonna like it. ❜

❛ Okay, explain to me again how offering yourself as bait to your blood-sucking roommate is not the worst plan ever devised by womankind. ❜

❛ Well, the fact that a terrible plan is our only plan is not really a selling point. ❜

❛ You guys know that I can hear you, right? Maybe instead of peanut gallery-ing you can help me figure out how we trap a vampire? ❜

❛ How do we feel about bear spray? ❜

❛ What would Mina Harker do? …Get bitten. Mina Harker would totally try and act all alluring to the bloodsucking fiend and totally get bitten. Let’s not do that. ❜

❛ Looking at the stars. It’s comforting, to think how small we are in comparison. All the lives we’ve led, the people we’ve been, nothing to that light. ❜

❛ “Black as the pit and terrible as the night was Bagheera”? I always loved that. It’s beautiful. ❜

❛ Behold: Vampire bait! ❜

❛ Don’t you look like a virgin sacrifice? ❜

❛ Parties should be a shimmering moment of possibility, not a collection of brutes around a piece of flaming driftwood. ❜

❛ Feels like more than that. Like something seen underwater from a great distance. ❜

❛ God, I’m a nostalgic idiot tonight. ❜

❛ Maybe I don’t feel like sharing you right now. ❜

❛ God, what am I doing? Naive, provincial girl. Entirely too tightly wound. Such a cliché. I oughta know better. ❜

❛ I oughta know better. And yet…there’s something about you. ❜

❛ Also, I got my head smashed into a table, if anyone cares. ❜

❛ There is not allowed to be some new horrible thing! ❜

❛ You know, at times like these a dude needs to be with his bros. ❜

❛ Well, don’t look at me. I didn’t want to kidnap anyone to begin with! ❜

❛ Definitely not untying angry vampire. ❜

❛ You can’t just keep a hostage in your dorm room! ❜

❛ I”m sure there’s all sorts of things we could figure out through some minimally-invasive probing. ❜

❛ It’ll seem dire once they start your tribunal. ❜

❛ So the sooner you ‘fess us and tell us what’s going on, the better this is gonna go for you because we have got…a spatula, and a stapler, and we are not afraid to use them. ❜

❛ You cannot seriously think we’re dumb enough to believe you’re innocent just because you say so. ❜

❛ Look, if I were really a vampire, would I just stay here, tied up, proclaiming my innocence as some sort of trick? ❜

❛ Yeah. That’s completely exactly what a vampire would do. ❜

❛ Do I strike you as the type of person who plays well with others? ❜

❛ Uh, we’re rehearsing a skit. Uh, yeah, the torture scene from Arsenic and Old Lace. Mmm-hmm, yeah, there’s a torture scene. ❜

❛ I hear they have a great collection of straight-jackets and tranquilizers. ❜

❛ I swear, if one more of your broken-hearted study buddies comes knocking at the door, I’m gonna start spritzing them like cats. ❜

❛ No, no, no! Please don’t die, please don’t die, you stupid vampire! Here, look, I’ve got blood. ❜

❛ The experience of being held captive by a clutch of imbeciles for something I didn’t even have the pleasure of doing is humiliating enough without having you wipe me up like a dribbling child. ❜

❛ Wait, you thought that was me trying to eat you? ❜

❛ Oh…Oh! So, when you were hitting on me, you were really hitting on me? ❜

❛ Could you just stake me now? Cause I think that would be less mortifying than this conversation. ❜