#*sex:t

the night continues in a blur of motions and words she knows she doesn’t mean, of expressions and vague promises she knows she won’t keep, of people she remembers seeing and actions that mean little to nothing to her. she’s a lost cause to herself, she’s burdened by faults and misguided by the lies she’s told herself, the lies she had forced onto him -- things she wanted him to believe ( but deep down, knew he wouldn’t ). to say she wanted the night to end like it had was a lie, for him to be haunted by tonight’s wrongs and for her to lie and say what she had done was the right thing. 

she hadn’t wanted any of this and yet, it happens. 

lies spread her teeth thin, words are said in a form of a goodnight, and she leaves the car with a soft nudge of her elbow to the door. she goes up to her home and sits, waits for time to reach a momentary halt. she’s left with her thoughts; it’s painful, she thinks, to love the way she does. she knows it hurts, it’s that same reason why she wishes to forget it all too easily. 

it’s why she takes her keys and leaves all over again, runs to the streets and goes to a place she knows no one can find her. she doesn’t want to be found, so she falls in line with a crowd: rowdy, excited, oblivious to the night that lay awake around them; immersed in a room of people who could see nothing but moving bodies and colors, a black and white tint against hues that remain technicolor shapes to her. they’re familiar, intimate displays of people in forms of blurs and shades she can’t unsee. she knows them, and they her, and that’s all that matters: her worries left at the door, forgotten. 

she wants a change of pace, a clearness of the mind -- a distraction from her problems. the solution is found in a name, shownu!, spoken in loud, booming voices, in cheers for a performance she’s too far away to see. she’s only met him a handful of times, each were at the hands of howon, but somehow his presence draws her near, steering through the masses until she sees him in the center of it all, dancing to his heart’s content. her distraction right before her eyes.