Resident Evil Characters as Onion Headlines
Chris Redfield: Man Keeping Running Total Of How Many People In Gym In Worse Shape Than Him
Claire Redfield: Siblings Quietly Relieved Older Brother Setting The Bar So Low
Jill Valentine: I Am Tired Of These Constant Near-Death Experiences
Albert Wesker: World Death Rate Holding Steady at 100 Percent
Leon S. Kennedy: Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had
Ada Wong: Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports
Barry Burton: Psychologists Say It Perfectly Natural To Fantasize About Sandwiches Other Than One Currently In Hand
William Birkin: New Study Going To Take Another Week Or So, Report Scientists Who Look As If They've Been Crying
Sherry Birkin: Area Seventh-Grader Now A Woman
Alexia Ashford: Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequences
Carla Radames: Kitten Thinks Of Nothing But Murder All Day
Derek Simmons: Dating Profile Flatly States Man Looking For Someone He Can Control
