#*jonghyun

every year, this gets a tiny bit easier. right now, i can't tell if that makes me happier or sadder. i procrastinated making this post yet again, honestly. i don't think i'm ever ready for december 18 to come and go, but here we are. there's not a day that goes on where i don't think of you, but as we approach the fourth anniversary of your passing, i don't think it'll matter if it's the first or fiftieth. this'll never be easy. i still miss you and i hope you're doing well, wherever you are. while i was listening to the don't call me album earlier this year, i swore i could hear your voice in one of the songs. kind is the track that was definitely *made for you*. the breathy tones, its soft yet powerful emotion - i could practically see and hear you performing it. it radiated kim jonghyun in more ways than i can explain. shinee's comeback earlier this year was perfect, but of course, it's hard not to miss the one person that would've completed it. there always will be a missing piece, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. at the very least, the rest of the members would never let us forget you or forget to honor you, that's for sure. some wounds only heal with time. i remember getting emotional when key mentioned you during one of the dcm winning speeches, but i was also unbelievably proud of him for doing so. this comeback was more than just a reunion after three of the members returned from the military - it was a means to honor and remember you. it's incredible to me how much everyone's grown, and i'm beyond words at how strong your four brothers are to continue standing as shinee. from minho talking to one of the odg little girls about how good uncle jonghyun was to key openly talking with taeyeon about the effects of moving on without you for things like concerts and shows, my heart hurts for them, but also can't help but feel extremely proud. nothing about those moments could've been easy, but they have a right to share as much or as little as they please, and they've done it all so gracefully and respectfully as well. i know with time, they're healing. slowly but surely, we're all moving on in our own ways. if these past few months have taught me anything, it's resilience. it's to move on even after things get overwhelming, it's to hang on even when things hurt too much to keep going. i find myself clinging to the past a lot these days - i miss the way things used to be before i had to 'grow up'. on bad days, i find that i still do think of you, even if it's just for a brief moment. the bright light that i looked up to when i was younger, and the person i still do even though it's been so long since i've seen you. you're the angel that shines down on all of us, jonghyun. your existence has helped more people than you'll ever know. life goes on, i suppose. it's just another friday, perhaps one tinged with a bit more sadness, but it's still a special day nonetheless. i hope you know that you are still so, so loved, jonghyun. i hope your days are filled with happiness wherever you are, and i hope your loved ones are taking care of themselves today. i still am so thankful that we existed on this earth at the same time and i hope you know that you did so, so well. thank you for everything, i love you.

regardless of the sadness that comes with this day, i hope you know that you continue to make me and a lot of other people happy. i still listen to your music, i still smile whenever i see a picture or video of you, and i still miss you, jonghyun; i hope you're doing well, wherever you are, and that you know that you're still so loved. thank you for everything.