#*dear diary

Things have been so unreal here. Hell, I was expecting to come out to crickets and no one really “get” who I was or what I was doing, but  I was proven wrong. While it’s been all well and good here, I miss my squish and Buddy, I’ve been counting down the days until I could snuggle them both proper. 

I feel like I’m in a dreamland. Things have been amazing here, it doesn’t feel real at all. The post sushi naps have become a staple, and I never thought I’d be as close to Scarlett as I am, she’s really a great friend. If this is a dream, don’t wake me up.

It’s been a dream to be wrestling over here. I honestly never thought I’d make it, but...here we are. Scarlett’s been an absolute doll, it’s nice to actually feel like I have a friend, someone who actually gives a shit, even if it’s just for the fun times. It’s nice to have a distraction, woulda been 20 months after all, and I’ve barely thought of him. Though, having a match with Toni was about as awkward as it could get...This has to get easier, right?

I thought being in Japan would make me feel better, thought it’d be a distraction...I couldn’t have been any wronger. Everything here reminds me of him, and my god, I feel so alone. I’m trying so fucking hard to just focus on work, but this is eating me alive...No one cares, they’ll all say to just get over it and that I’m being dramatic. ‘s why it’s better to stay quiet, fly under the radar, let the loneliness numb you like a drug. I wish this all would just stop...

You ever feel abandoned? I’m...I’m trying to keep my head up, trying to distract myself with work...it’s not working. I don’t want to bother anyone with my shit, I don’t want to overstay my welcome...I can’t mess up Japan, even if I have been getting hurt like an idiot...Best just to keep quiet about these things. Hell, that’s why I got this thing, don’t I? Just...keep it in. No one really cares, anyways, ‘s why no one talks to me anymore, they don’t have a reason to.

xx 🐝

It feels like my world’s fallen around me. Everything hurts...the one person I thought I could trust more than anyone in the world betrayed that, and with someone I considered a friend, no less. It feels like no one cares, well, except for Pete and Mark...Am I alone in this? I guess so. I wish that I would stop crying every time I thought of him, that my chest wouldn’t ache when I go through my phone, that I wouldn’t be constantly reminded of having my heart broken over and over. All of this hurts so much, and all I want to do is hide.