I thought I had posted this one already but I guess I never pressed the right button-

Her Angel

Heyyyyyyy guess who got hit with random divine inspiration hahaha <3

Veronik has her own Cult, The Cult of the Goat, if you will (better name will come later), and her temple is decorated with portraits of some of the most important people in her life, who (as far as she knows) are long gone.

Despite the almost delusional hope that Hymlet, her closest friend and truest love, is out there still, there are days where the memories of watching their lives fall apart in mere seconds plague her more than others. So she goes to her temple, and cries looking up at the many paintings in her halls depicting Hymlet's last known appearance - some with added angelic appearances.

She misses her old life dearly, but there is no way to return to that day and save everyone.

Artfight attack on my good friend @lonebud !!! Operator Griffin!!! :D Miku's number 1 fan <3

Drawing them was super fun!!! Absolute cutie <3

I added a blue gradient map on an overlay layer on top so the colors are a bit different from the reference, so I'mma put a version without the overlay under the cut :3

My energy and patience has tanked thanks to me having mother nature stabbing me for a week, so I havent been able to work on artfight attacks consistently.

Instead, I had just enough energy and mental image to draw an initial design for Thor, my yellow cat, who is also Thegre's cousin!

He's a tinkerer and he makes little contraptions and he likes pranking people, but he's definitely an asshole sometimes. Will attempt to draw him again at some point

here's an extra doodle of him:

Artfight attack on my good friend @salilaoceania !!! :D This was very fun to do and I'm so glad you liked it!! The Fool and the Hierophant Reversed in Backstage Conversations <3

Artfight attack on my good friend @doodle-possum !!! >:3

And

A walk through the final days of Summer

Thinking back to the time where I made an animatic to a snippet of God Games from EPIC the musical, that was not about DID but ended up seeming like it was.

I don't have DID, as far as I know, and at the time I still knew very little about it, but looking back now I see it with new eyes.

I was at one of the lowest points of my life, depression so bad (though it would get worse) that a voice in my head would increasingly call me "whore" throughout the day, guilt so heavy that I hated myself every waking moment. Why? Because I had broken up with my at the time boyfriend because I couldn't love him anymore, loving him was a chore because surprise surprise, I'm aromantic and romantic feelings don't come naturally to me, so I was forcing myself to love him that way and burned myself out.

I call it a little voice, because that is what it felt like. Something else, someone else, in my mind degrading me with the same word over and over again. I can't say if it really was someONE else there, but at some point it stopped feeling like my own thoughts, and I started kind of "responding" to it, mentally whipping around and saying "Who said that?!" in a kind of comical way, trying to drive that thought away.

I don't think it worked, it only ever stopped once I got myself back on my antidepressants for good and got back on my feet, but I can't deny that it was there.

In the time where it was still really bad something shifted. Maybe that "who said that?!" gained its own standing, but a new sense of self deffense kind of grew. In the sense of, I did bad, but that didn't mean I didn't deserve kindness, it didnt mean that I was not entitled to defending my peace. It wasn't justifying my actions or telling me that I did nothing wrong, it was accepting that I was wrong but not letting that turn into guilt.

Now might be the time to mention that Ive always loved the movie Inside Out. As a viewer with complicated feelings and mental illness being able to imagine my feelings and emotions as visual characters was comforting, it helped a lot.

And, his name was Zeus. That part that was the deffense of my peace was Zeus. I imagined what he'd be like, his image, and hell I even made him in a Picrew:

A hot demon guy with red horns and red eyes based on me (all of the others are based on me too in different outfits ive had, you'll see them in the animatic at the bottom)

Everything about how he came to be is what I imagine a protector headmate awakening to be like, but I've never shifted, he's never fronted. None of the others have either. As far as I know I don't have DID. But his appearance helped me, I could imagine a person defending me without feeling selfish about it, I could put a face to my feelings and feel okay.

I've disassociated before, but never in a way that would lead me to believe I have DID. I've been doing something and then suddenly turned and be confused as to what I was doing, recently I even had a moment where I was writing and listening to music and suddenly I went to change the song and had no idea or memory of hearing the 4 songs that played before it. But I don't know, I don't really feel like someone else was there, it just felt like *I* wasn't there for a bit.

I don't know how to describe it. But I'd been thinking about it lately and I needed to put it into words.

Anyway here's the animatic in question:

Like I said before, looking back now it really looks like (to me at least) different alters fighting me, the one I consider as 'me', but that was not the intention. At least, as much as I remember the intention being.

The "switching control" parts were inspired by how in Inside Out different emotions controlling the board changed the reactions of the person, and it was meant to be my own emotions and feelings causing me distress, but I could put a face on them and have a character to pin the blame on.

Another thing I should point out: I'm genderfluid, and in the early days after realizing this I would track my gender changes a lot, and at some point a name came to me. Tony. Inspired by Anthony Dinozzo from the show NCIS. It felt like the perfect name for the times where I felt more male than anything else.

The blue character in that animatic, that is Tony. He is my male gender, and all the toxic behaviour towards myself that I could fit in him. He's a mean bitch, and probably the one I would attribute those "whore" comments to.

The pink one, that is Melody. Online my nickname is Mel, that one is derived from Melanie, my dnd character, but I wanted to use a different name here. She's my feminine side, but the equally toxic one. The one that demands I be a Good Daughter, a Good Lady, the one that demands I follow the demands of society and be what THEY want of me. Paint your nails, do your hair, dress properly. The pressure of duty I hold within myself.

There was a third, but that one I always imagined being locked away as their own choice. My happiness, the part that actually would tell me I was good and did nothing wrong. The part that would advocate for me in a warm and a "you're not the bad guy" way. Atlas. They were a feminine boy in a green hoodie, black skirt, and black corset belt on top of that. An actual outfit I wore with a little white beaning once when I felt solidly male but did not hate my chest.

Truthfully Atlas and Melody were names I had picked out a long, long time ago, in a completely different context. But, I wasn't using them for anything else, so I used them here.

Like I said, this post doesn't really have a point. But if I had to give it one, or like, a closing remark, I guess I'd say:

Do whatever the hell you want forever. Fight your depression however the hell it works for you, even if later you look back once you're better and find it foolish or like you don't have a right to do it that way.