#* scripture.

send me writing prompts bc i love dying

marcus has always slept in fits and starts; he pushes himself to the edge of exhaustion and back again, over again, dozes whilst tomas drives, nods off standing in line at the grocery store, lays out flat on the bed of the truck so that tomas can sleep on the bench in the front. sleeping under the stars, that’s never been so bad, and he was raised in the kind of cold that makes nights on the road positively cosy.

motels are much the same. marcus sleeps for one, two hours at a time, wakes up, stares into the dark, voided spaces just in front of his eyes. marcus has bad dreams, not prophetic ones, but even when he wakes with his heart racing he never wakes - loudly, or obtrusively. he’s always been glad of his quiet nightmares. what’s in his head, can stay there.

— which is why marcus lashes out, when tomas wakes him up in the middle of one of those supposedly quiet nightmares. tomas is just fast enough to avoid an entire arm to the face, before he re-appears, stiflingly close, hands on marcus’ shoulders. he’s saying something and it doesn’t get past the ringing in marcus’ ears, the rabbit of his pulse in his throat; coiled like a spring with tomas holding him down, it takes six long, gulping breaths for marcus to say, ‘ tomas, let me go. ’

he does.

marcus pushes himself upright, pulls the sheets down where they’re choking him. he doesn’t look at tomas so much as he looks through him, eyes pinpricking. before marcus can say anything, ask anything, on the opposite bed where he’s now perching tomas splays his hands and says, ‘ you were talking. ’ in the wake of marcus’ confused blink, he elaborates, ‘ you were telling someone, something to stop. i didn’t mean to scare you. you just seemed ... distressed? ’

the finer points of the nightmare are already fading. this suits marcus, who revisits enough in his waking hours that revisiting dreams has never been on his agenda. ‘ gabriel, ’ he says, a lie told by way of explanation, and though tomas’ brow creases, he doesn’t needle the point. thank you, marcus thinks. he knows he’s transparent, half the time, and - he doesn’t think tomas is stupid, or that tomas can’t tell when marcus is lying to spare himself. gabriel is just obvious, something tomas already knows. maybe someday i’ll tell you everything i’ve ever dreamed about. but not tonight.

— today, even. this morning. it’s dawning light filtering through cheap blinds, not the blue of evening.

when the dream is gone, all that’s left is the fear, unusually paralysing. marcus doesn’t know how or where to move, elbows locked, back already starting to ache from the way he’s sat. it’s tomas who figures it out, who stands up and, before marcus can protest any differently, is pulling his hands up where they’re bunched in the sheets, touching his neck, his shoulders, and marcus’ breath catches in an ugly way in his throat to realise tomas is doing all the things for him, that marcus would do for him, in the same situation.

right down to the way that, when marcus has turned on his side, oppressive sheets kicked off the single bed entirely, tomas very carefully lies down behind him. at first marcus can tell he’s laying on his back, probably staring at the ceiling the way he does when he’s having a good think about anything. marcus doesn’t want to ask. he prays, with half-closed eyes, that he doesn’t have to.

as though right on cue, the weight on the mattress shifts. marcus holds his breath when tomas tucks up against him, his front pressing along marcus’ back. his arm slings across marcus’ waist, warm hand covering still-rabbity heart. marcus lets that breath go. tomas must feel the rise and fall of his chest with it.

this is a genuinely upsetting message to get? i’m so sorry.

marcus’ representation as a bisexual man is not perfect and i know why people are taking issue with it. but it’s slid nothing into rampant biphobia where people are making ugly gifset series to “prove” that marcus is gay. marcus is just as good a character either way, and the lgbt community is not inherently losing anything either way, and i really can’t believe it’s come to this

although it does piss him off he really does like tomas’ tenaciousness; it’s a good trait for an exorcist to have, because if you’re willing to give up or be walked over the demon will take its victim, you, and everyone in the vicinity. the stubbornness brought them together, after all

as it happens, marcus can’t really be around people that he can... walk over... he’s got such a strong personality that he needs people around who are equally challenging, and tomas definitely fits that - he’s never been afraid of, or subservient to, marcus

he loves tomas’ sense of humor, the rare times that it does filter though, even when they’re quasi-arguing and tomas says something just sharp enough - “i cannot be an exorcist, but i can be your taxi driver”? marcus loved that, when there was enough time to process it later

marcus has always felt like he can talk to tomas although marcus is rarely ready to talk about anything but ... if tomas asks honestly, marcus will answer without bullshit. and to be honest that’s really rare with marcus

beneath the pride and the stubbornness, marcus feels there’s this innate goodness radiating from tomas and he’s very heavily drawn to that (particularly since he doesn’t feel it in himself) and just ... really admires it

to be honest they’re wildly different people with an age + societal gap a mile wide and marcus can’t pick at many traits he likes about tomas; he just DOES like him, solidly, defensively. they don’t have a lot in common, but marcus is very comfortable around him, and that’s honestly more important than shared interests or anything.

peter’s role a little bit hinges on how they want to end the season, and if they’re preparing for a cancellation or not. i know everyone involved with the exorcist is extremely proud of it and wants it to keep going, but eh, god, they might just have to settle for a season one esque ending where they tie up what they can and leave marcus and tomas poised for the next thing, if there is a next thing. alternately, if they know they’re getting a cancellation, they might just say ‘fuck it’ and give everyone a happy ending. i don’t truly know.

but let’s assume the exorcist won’t be cancelled, for a minute, because it’s the easiest way to describe how peter fits into the season.

in interviews it was specifically said that they wanted to … approach the fact that marcus thinks he’s going to die alone someday in a room with a demon standing over him, and what if he meets someone who shows him it doesn’t have to end that way? 

remember cindy’s demon in the first episode - they took your collar, took your last excuse for being alone. what does your heart want most, man of god.

peter is…….that. he’s the potential, for something better, for something less lonely, for something not as frightening. i’ve never thought peter was going to be a long-term love interest; i do think he’s someone that marcus will say goodbye to one way or another, because one way or another marcus won’t be able to or be willing to give up his work as an exorcist yet. marcus will get a taste of what it’s like to be loved but ultimately, peter’s life on the island - a peaceful, quiet life - isn’t something that marcus is ready for. peter’s life is not marcus’ life.

he’s relevant exclusively to marcus’ personal arc, i think. marcus is really at an incredibly low point in his life. without being able to hear or feel god, marcus is well and truly alone for the first time, and he can’t turn to tomas because tomas can apparently hear god loud and clear. he can’t turn to tomas because he’s tomas’ teacher. he can’t really talk to tomas at all because they’re always five minutes away from fighting.

so in comes peter, who has ptsd, who can see that marcus is wound tighter than a spring in a hydraulic press. i’ve seen people saying marcus’ outburst on the boat wasn’t in character, but god, it absolutely is if you’re cognizant of the fact that marcus is deeply mentally ill. he’s not an angry person because he’s a cool rugged guy, he’s angry because he’s been in the grip of (c-)ptsd and a cycle of violence since he was seven years old. oh, peter wants to know what’s in my head? peter wants to know what ugly shit is rocking around in marcus’ skull? okay, i’ll tell him, and it’s disgusting and graphic and he’ll be horrified or put off or angry with me for being angry like everyone else is. only peter wasn’t. marcus absolutely needed that five minutes of relief, to actually talk about his trauma (instead of, as in 102, using it as a defense when tomas thought marcus was a p*dophile) on his terms and get zero pushback for it.

i’m getting off track a little. 

again, i think ultimately marcus might look at the island and think, god, i could have a life here, i could be happy here, and choose to walk away anyway. but i’m not really worried about that, because the exorcist is a genre show and it’s not about their romantic relationships even a little bit. it’s okay if it doesn’t work out between them, but it doesn’t make it a hollow experience, either. 

hiya, yes! most certainly! heres a few

ask a question and get an honest answer — accepting.

               what’s normal? that’s no sardonic, normal is just a setting on a dryer response. marcus has never had normal. my life is a series of rooms. just one place after the other, plane rides and long drives as dictated by the office of exorcism, finding an inordinate talent for languages as he went that happened to go with the empty space in his chest. the - still empty space.

              ‘ i don’t think i can give peter what he wants. ’

and that’s not what he was asked, but he doesn’t have the answer. he would have liked to have been loved by peter, he thinks. he would’ve liked to love him in return. to find out - how that feels, to be with someone in earnest, to have nothing but an honest, mutual want. and he - more than would’ve liked it, he ... craves it, to not be alone. but normal?