#* scribbles

when i first heard of toby fox, it was through his music in homestuck, a comic which i was able to discover three of my closest friends. we never knew much about the guy other than that. and he crafted beautiful scores, too. i’ve admittedly had my fair share of looping vriska’s version of megalovania in the past (although my all-time favorite homestuck tracks is tied between “crystalmethequins” and the midnight crew album, drawing dead.)

it was about 3 years until we heard anything big about fox. just last year, our friend zack starting blathering about a new game. that, of course, would happen to be “undertale.” because we knew so little of the game and its creator, we didn’t pay a lot of attention to what he said, but eventually he coaxed us into looking deeper into it. (for me, he said you could date a skeleton. because of how goofy the idea was, i can’t say it didn’t work.)

so, while i was doing some homework the next day, i decided to play the new stream uploaded by joel from vinesauce. i was ultimately distracted by the characters, music, and colorful commentary. and eventually i found myself following joel’s adventure, up until he got to the middle of waterfall (he hasn’t yet seen the temmie village then i don’t think.) by that point, my friend was ready to direct me to the actual game itself. i was quick to accept his offer.

thankfully, i already knew the steps to the first half of the game, and i followed the pacifist route like joel did. i bid a tearful farewell to toriel, laughed along with sans’ stupid jokes, and accepted the cute and funny date with papyrus. from thereon i was left to fend for my own; against the urgency of running from undyne; from the bewilderment that came from the temmies; from the frustration of battles against mad dummy, muffet, and mettaton (upon his transformation, i had to step away from my computer for a whole ten minutes. what even was that.)

everything was new and fresh and i adored experiencing the journey all for myself. i watched the rest of joel’s stream afterwards, but in the meantime i was so immersed in the story and the discoveries. the innovation then was so incredibly rich.

to this day, asgore still breaks my heart, omega flowey still freaks me the fuck out, and asriel proved to be the most provocative boss fight that i’ve played in a long time.

and immediately, i knew which rp community i’d visit next.

the reason why i chose sans was because… well, i spoiled myself a bit. while studying the characters, i saw his portion of the genocide run, and by impulse i wanted to re-enact this badassery myself. but overtime, i’ve come to develop someone different from that idealized vision. he’s far more than just some goofy guy that comes in at the last (and quite frankly most inappropriate) time to “save the world.” i’d do a whole essay on that but that might be for another time.

not only that, but sans became my way of… well, projecting myself and my thoughts. he was my new way of coping with the weird feelings and confusion that i suffered a year prior to now. i was awkward, could barely open up to people about my depression (which for so long i’ve been taught was just my selfish facade), and ultimately i was a reckless and ignorant person. now, though, i’ve learned to consider my surroundings more. to think about how i should say things to others, when i could say it, and if i should at all. gradually still, i’m learning how to open up to everyone, and to get over this distorted image that i’m somehow an empty, selfish person. but definitely, my biggest lesson has to be around being honest with the people who look after me.

if it weren’t for this muse, i would have never known that all of you beautiful people existed.

i’ve never felt so connected to a fandom and it’s people. i’ve tried with other fandoms and games, but i didn’t feel like i could emotionally attach myself to them as easily. but here, it’s like i found my new family. a family that totally understands the struggle, has lived through it, and is able to help each other out in effective ways.

i understand that not everyone has been like this, and it sucks that there were these parts of the fandom who succeeded in chasing away such kind people from here and giving it a bad name. to consider this fandom one of the best ones would be terribly inconsiderate in light of this, but personally it has been the most helpful when it came to making bonds i feared of and finding ways to cope with things like depression, anxiety, and the mere uncertainty of the future.

the idea of determination, which we are reminded of constantly throughout the game, undoubtedly, has spilled into all of us in some degree. encouraging us to keep pursuing our wishes, whether it be to bring harmony, or keep making art, or keep working hard in life, or just anything that keeps us, and the people around us, happy.

i’ll be honest with you now, too. i’ve struggled way too many times considering that. multiple times, and still now, i’ve pondered ways i could disappeared. violent ways and/or quiet ways. and i’ve questioned if there would be people who would even miss me. and i wondered if the world was even worth the confusion and cynicism. i wondered if i would ever even make an impact anywhere here.

like alphys, i’ve been staring into the abyss for a long time.

but it’s thanks to you guys that i can take my mind off those horrid thoughts. thanks to this game, and to the one year i’ve spent now running this blog, that i have at least some kind of reason to keep going and to keep a positive outlook. each day i’m always looking forward to returning to my dash, seeing different art or other people’s threads, or even making my own. and it’s relieving.

i’m blessed with the experiences i’ve got to have with you guys. i’m thankful that i’ve found people who understands me, who i can understand, and i’ve been able to share such wonderful times with as this year passed. i’m lucky to have found something that i can be totally passionate about for so long, because every day when i get home i’m always thinking about what i’ll do here or what others might be doing.

i’ve definitely had my ups and downs here, and i’ve had stumbled a couple of times, yet all of you were patient throughout. and i could never ask for anything more than that.

hell, i’ve never lasted this long in my past blogs. nor have i gotten this many followers. this is by far my most successful experience. especially considering im one of a million of this kind of muse, i was scared i wouldn’t be able to get very far. everyone i know does far more than me, and puts out so much effort in their writing and blog designs and all that stuff. of course, i’ve never been an overly fancy person, but to not follow a trend like that still scares me of my chances.

i’m glad this wasn’t the case.

i love all of you, so much. every last one of you. for giving me a chance regardless of my shortcomings. if i could hug you guys, i wouldn’t ever hesitate. you guys, friends and followers, and this blog mean so much to me.

thank you for perhaps the best year of my life.