#* nell crain.

nell let out a shaky breath before dialing the number that had reached her through a friend of a friend of someone that had once heard something else from someone else, that maybe he could help her and her family . the car was cold even with the heating on , and her breath made soft white clouds that quickly faded . the phone rang until it came to a connection , and nell spoke warily . " --- hello ? is this john winchester's number ? "

nellie understood what theo was doing , she'd been consistent in doing that for the longest time , even when all the rest began to get tired of her shortcomings . personally , eleanor had run out of juice to believe that things would change , and that was simply due to one thing : things had changed before . and then again , and everything always seemed to spin so endlessly back into itself , warp and twirl and twist and fold , time and time again , until the thing left was an origami of herself . a mirror image of her being happy , of her dancing during her wedding night , of the happy trips to the beach when they were younger , of the nights spent up writing , laughing , drinking with friends or reading on her own . the good times , they warped and warped , and became paper thin and so paper frail . she didn't want theo to see that , she -- had enough with herself , and nellie would still have a hard time laughing in the morning .

so she had learned how to put up walls , and she did that this time , forcing out a rather shaky smile that gave end to the matter they were so dreadfully trudging through . " yeah , things will . things have , so they will again . " at least that was the merrier part of her train of thought , something to translate to hope when it was really just the opposite . " what about you ? " she returned to the kitchen with ease in her steps , turning to look at her sister over her shoulder as she stirred the vegetables in the pan . " still avoiding that pretty girl from the other day ? "

" i miss you too . " nell said , knowing he couldn't hear her . she did that a lot , whenever she could , whenever the house allowed her to return to the time in which she was untethered from the world , finally truly invisible . her hand rested on his shoulder as she stood behind him , the name on the engraved headstone seemed so foreign to her , so far back in what seemed - and was - a lifetime ago . ELEANOR CRAIN - VANCE . " and i'm so proud . you brought my brother back . " / @nighthcwling !

a pause , and then she pushes the key into the lock , coming into the enclosed space slowly . " --- sarah ? " she called out , " i come bearing margarita mix ... and - and hummus ... and ... well -- that . " and commandments from her father to get sarah to lunch with them .

nell could've laughed , and in the retellings of this to her therapist she probably would , because the sole idea of that was just ridiculous to her . she didn't resent luke in the slightest , but he was maybe the one that had been left alone the least by their siblings , especially by HER . her good will would overtake anything ever , and instead of the sardonic comment that steve would put , or the sarcastic eyebrow raise by theo , or the arm folding by shelby - luke got nell shifting to sit closer to him , even if he smelled like all hell after being in the depths god knows where for days , for whoever knows how long . she wanted to see her brother well , to see him be the radiant being that she KNEW HIM TO BE . but he didn't believe so , and even if he was to believe it , eleanor knew it wouldn't be so easy as to just ... step into the light or some border evangelical sounding bullshit . an arm wrapped securely around his shoulders , cheek against him . " you could never be alone , " the young woman began , voice soft and confidential . " you'll always have me . " which is why his fear was nearly funny to her . like he could be rid of her . even if she was to be forced away from him , she'd be the reflection in the water and the passing shadow , the foreign face that morphs momentarily . " you'll always have me , you nerd . " / @nighthcwling !

" mommy . " the word dropped out of her lips like one drops bags after a long trip . the full weight of it , the one she's been dragging like a lifeless corpse , all throughout her life finally stops . in truth , it had stopped as soon as she'd walked in , the house unraveling to reveal that it was still as it should be , as it was in her memory . olivia stood , beautiful as ever , vibrating in red and the long , soft curls that her young fingers had played with coiling and uncoiling around her fingers , still falling undisturbed like a cascade over her shoulders and her back . and nellie could've wept , dropped to her knees and begged to never be rid of this again , begged for forgiveness for taking SO LONG to come back home . her face contorted in pain , the sight knowingly damned . but the voice in her mind that told her THIS ISN'T REAL had been snuffed out by the bright lights of hill house in all its splendor . again , again , again . her feet lead her to her mother's meeting , hands reaching out and there's FLESH there , where she clutches the bony fingers of death the missing puzzle piece of her life . " mommy , i've missed you so much . " she weeps in a rapture , and olivia doesn't let her fall , her embrace a wisp of cold against her cheek as she chooses the crook of her mother's neck before the rest of her life . / @mor0se !

N. CRAIN : MY BROTHER'S KEEPER ( pt . I ) .

it's no secret that nell has always been a huge carer . she gives , gives , gives . but that doesn't mean she's restrained herself , just that she's done everything her siblings have done but either really quietly , or really disruptively . grow up with an addict brother , learn the signs before the addiction . the little lies , the petty thievery , the panic , the paranoia . the sadness . luke and nell , they grew in opposition to one another , and many things nell did , she did for trying to level out the chaos that ebbed from her brother , others she did for trying to get a sense of nearness to him again , and then ... then there were the things that she did for understanding him . she never could , but she got close enough .

contrary to what one might've thought , nellie isn't all against substances . she started smoking weed when she was fifteen , with luke and his friends , and found it soothed her . finally something soothed her . she could sleep , she could focus in class . her grades got better for a while , and if they fluctuated it wasn't because of the mild weed usage , but because of the inevitable cycles of insomnia - night terrors . it was because she couldn't control the long - winded moments in which she was convinced she'd fix up her entire life in a night , and that she was going to crack it ( whatever " it " was at that point ) .

weed made her digestible . which doesn't seat the relationship to substances in a good plane , as it is , but it never got out of hand .

alcohol did , too . with this one , it was much the same story . but it started before . with theo sneaking them the butt - ends of wine bottles to get what the fuss was about . under tables , behind the couch , sitting with the tv on mute and criss - cross - applesauce , all three of them . by the time they reached deep into the teenage years , nellie had grown in prideful sibling competition to a future drug addict , and a future - undisclosed - alcoholic . unsurprisingly , to this day her tolerance is quite ... something else .

the summer she turned eighteen , her friends and her decided to go south to california and have some youngster fun before they all went off to college next semester . that summer she tried some hallucinogens : hated them . it was twelve hours of being back there , of being trapped , of a noose around her neck . where had the noose come from ? she'd never had a noose around her neck before .

when she came out of the haze , she swore off of that . but that was a lie , as there would be many . because she never did tell anyone about any of this . but during her new - age - yuppie times , she went backpacking through central america and tried shrooms , which she ... surprisingly quite enjoyed . which was in good timing , considering she was in the middle of the mountains .

she drinks , smokes , and seasonally smokes cigarettes . that's what her siblings know . that's what is left of the life of a young eleanor that's learning about life . throughout all of that , she also took the time to get knowledgeable about the matter , especially when it was clear that luke had a problem . she learned about harm reduction , about safe spaces , about the war on drugs and the issues that it arose . she learned about naloxone , about the alarm signs , about what to do and how to act without panic .

however ... that night when luke asked her to buy for him , she didn't know how to act or what to do . on one hand , she knew that was wrong . but then ... wouldn't he go and do it , run off from rehab again ? like he'd done a million times before . she never could explain what happened in her brain when she did that , she'd never done something like that . it haunts her .