#* grace: study.

they say in game you feel as if you lived those things yourself, so it wouldn't be like remembering something someone else lived; it's reliving that trauma as if it happened to her. even the milder, if they can be called that, but like... life stuff like marriages and children; she never experienced those things, but it would feel like she had. it'd be confusing, to say the least, as she tries to adjust to it and to what she is in the middle of all that; but i think it gets far worse when it comes to experiences and feelings related to people she's close to.

calliope and apollo, for example, are shown to be close throughout ages. whether they were friends or like family or if it had romantic undertones, it doesn't matter; what matters is grace has her own feelings about him, but then there are other feelings that come from calliope and all the previous incarnations and things they lived that feel like grace lived them, good and bad. how do you separate what's you and what came before? how does that influence things? how does it change things?

the same goes for persephone, and with her we have a better defined relationship with calliope. they were romantically involved. they fought badly. it'd feel to her as if she had been in love with persephone — and as if she had been the one often clashing with her too. it's impossible that for a time, especially when first regaining these memories, they wouldn't mess with her. how do you not let it change how you feel when the previous experiences feel like they're yours?

given how grace is as a character (driven, headstrong, with a good sense of who she is despite feeling... adrift) and the fact we hear in game some incarnations are able to retain their current personalities rather well, keep their names and everything, i like to think that would be the case with her. i don't expect, even in the long term, she'd want to be called calliope (the idea seems wild to her initially, but after regaining the memories i feel she'd understand better why others would do it, even if it wouldn't be her choice); and i think it's obvious the memories and feelings would change her to some extent, because we're all shaped by our experiences and those feel like her experiences, but i also think past the initial confusion (which would be great and messy) she'd be able to continue being herself.

during the process though i'm certain things would get confusing and more volatile, no matter how careful and mindful of everything she tries to be. there would be terrible days; tears that are hers but aren't, anger that is hers but isn't, fears that are hers but aren't. feelings for those closest to her she isn't sure are hers or some past calliope's. knowing what it's like to kill, or give birth to a child, or lose a wife, knowing great joy and great sorrow from things that would've seemed so distant from her reality before. it's a little insane; it'd make her feel a little insane. having support certainly makes a huge difference, but ultimately a lot of it is in her head and she has to go through it alone.

i think it's also after that that she'd have a better concept of like, immortality. because although she is immortal, she's in her 20s — she can't conceptualize what eternity looks like. but having lived through all those lives, in a way... that changes things. she'd get it better. she'd get some other things better, about what she became and her powers and what's that all like, as well as about some of the other gods and how they were and what they've been through. she knows some things, but living them (or feeling like she did) is something else.

in the version of adrift (reprise) where freddie is the muse, the lyrics echo the first version with grace's sense of being lost and the hope her choices can finally lead her to take control of her own destiny. it's nice and it does speak to her initial struggle (Is the world too much, or is it just me? / Everything I set upon unravels at my feet / Everything I've learned, wasted / On a girl who doesn't know how to be free), but. but i like the version where grace is the muse a lot better.

ultimately i think the lack of purpose that isolates her from those around her, even those she loves, is one that demands making peace with herself, especially after everything that happens in game. she has help and at times relies on others, but ultimately it's in herself — and all she has become — that she needs to find the strength to take charge of her destiny. she needs to embrace who and what she is, not just keep pushing through and hoping for the best.

I'll embrace the fire as it burns deep inside Bright enough to guide me, an ocean defied But as I burn, they've all turned away one by one In the end, am I alone? [...] In my heart you'll remain I do not sail in vain

❝ okay. ❞

❝ ... "okay" ? ❞

it's an understatement to say it would be a difficult process and that, to some extent, it's a loss that will always be felt and a guilt she will always carry, regardless of freddie's choice and insistence she didn't regret it. until the trial, grace didn't really get enough time to acknowledge that loss properly, and i think after all that is done the feelings would hit with full force.

grace would personally and directly let those close to freddie know she's dead. freddie's mother (parents?), kaz and brian, whichever other close friends and family she had. in a way it's both taking it upon herself because of the guilt she feels, and at the same time a way to grieve together and be there for others who suffer that same loss.

she would also want to do what she could to give her friend a proper funeral. there is no body, but she'd want to say goodbye to freddie properly, and she'd do it accordingly to freddie's beliefs/what she thinks freddie would want. but while that might help, there are still a thousand things that would remind her of freddie and that would make her feel that loss again keenly.

one thing that would be particularly had to deal with would be the fact they lived together, and the apartment has all of freddie's stuff and they surely shared many moments but i feel worse than that it's just the absence in the small things. like being used to freddie arriving at a certain time when she won't anymore, or stuff they did like they mention the late night lattes. it would be painful, very painful to be in the same place and just feel freddie's loss in every little thing. but i also think grace's way of grieving would be to continue doing the things they liked to do together, or that freddie liked to do a certain way, both as a means to keep the memory alive and just to. go on, because that's what grace does and that's what freddie outright states she wants her to do.

so it's a mix of she'd go for late night lattes because they did it together and she won't stop because it's also a way to remember freddie especially at first, but she'd also, if there's still a band, probably take over and be more responsible with it, since she wasn't (according to freddie's suggestion grace would skip band practice). just. honoring freddie by doing right the things that were important to her and remembering her by things they did together.

i also think songwriting would definitely play a part on her grieving process. music being an outlet for her emotions, there's no way something that impacts her so deeply wouldn't end up being in various songs in various ways, not just the death itself but everything about freddie and how important she was to grace and how much grace misses her.