dear “ my favourite what if. ”
i don’t really know how to start this, or even the point in me writing it. i don’t think there’s anything left to say -- not that we really said anything at all to begin with. maybe that was our problem. we talked about everything together ; everything except us. i think i was always too scared to approach it because of the way you’d always hide from me whenever we got close to it. whenever our touch lingered just a little too long, or our words grew to be a little too deep, you’d flinch away as though it frightened you. and i thought that maybe if i waited long enough, you’d realise it was safe. you’d realise that i could be good to you, good for you. it’s a powerful thing, false hope.
you know, i really thought things had changed that night. it thought you’d finally grown tired of hiding, and that we were ready to move forward together. the way you kissed me goodbye that morning, so sleepy and on the cheek with your cute dimples on show. i believed that smile. i tricked myself into thinking it meant you didn’t regret what we did the night before. i fantasied in my head that it was the beginning of something real, and that finally i’d be able to hold your hand when we walked down the street, be able to kiss you freely and tell you i love you in a tone that was anything but platonic.
you didn’t want any of that though, did you? why couldn’t you have told me right from the start? why did you let me believe i stood a chance, when all along i was being lead on? you were never in love with me, though the look in your eyes and the unspoken words on your tongue made me think you were. i was ready to give you the world, give you my heart and my soul, but i guess that wasn’t enough. i wasn’t enough, and you found what you were looking for in the arms of another.
truthfully, i hope that you’re happy with them -- that they can give you the happiness that i never did. i hope they make your heart skip beats and your stomach flutter with a thousand butterflies, the way you always did for me. because despite all that has happened between us, i still believe you deserve that. you deserve the best. i’m sorry i’ve forced us apart since it happened, but i think it’s what we both need. you can be happy with someone you actually love now, without me around haunting you and making you feel guilty.
and me? well. i guess it’s time for me to let go of old ghosts and move on.
signed, a familiar stranger.
