#(offtop)

[cw suicide thoughts a little]

Fucking life. I hate it.

I have no enough money. I have no job and I afraid to find it because I have no any skills and knoweldge. When I try to earning with selling my art products - services don't want to work correctly. My body and health have been behaving very strangely in the last couple of years, but I don't have opportunity to check everything, much less treat it. I don't even want to talk about my mental state - tonly thing that saves me from trying to die is probably my love for my oldy cat and fav band music. All my family is just old dad. And he is also not healthy. I'm afraid all of this. I'm afraid of thinking about future, I'm afraid of thinking about social part of my life (I don't communicate with anyone IRL, my friends from my chat are from other cities. I'm not even talking about relationships - they've never been and, I'm afraid, never be). After 2019, when my mothed was dead, all started being bad from year to year. Absurdly, her death is not bad moment, even good (long story about abusive and hystertical parent, nevermind). But all after this - yes.

I more often thinking about death but I know I can't do it now. But I'm not sure I will have reasons to live later. I'm not quite really want to die but I'm just tired. Tired about issues, tired about mental problems, tired about financial problems and huge…HUGE tired about myself. More times I don't care about opinins by other people about me (good or bad) but I'm worrying that I cant' think good about me by myself. I don't know, maybe this is narcissism. I hate myself. I always hate myself. Some my bad parts [agression, some violence…queerness?] I took a long time ago. But others are ugly, I can't stand it anymore but also cannot resolve this. I don't know how to do this. I don't know where I can find support which my ill mind can believe.

I'm tired. I'm not who I would and want to be. And the world is not what I would and want to see around me.

Maybe I'm dramatic. But all of this is really too heavy. I'm 28 but I feel myself same when I was 18 when been too anxious about my life because I completely don't understand how to live. I still don't understand. I still afraid to go outside. Still uncomfortable in talking with people. Still don't understand them. Who knows? Maybe one day my online became to offline permanently and no one noticed it. Maybe not.

I'm so unsure of my life that I really don't know which is more likely - that I'll be able to stand up with myself and finally move forward or I'll someday put the final point without a comma.

...

If you read all of this... I don't understand why but thank you. Thank you for my thoughts were not disappeared into the void. That makes my existing a little easier.