#&whenyouregone

Each time he caressed her skin was another I love you. Silent ones were the I love you's that he had gotten so used to giving her since the very first moment they touch all those years ago. He could still remember that first one he gave her, and it was the first of many. Those were the ones that helped carry him through a lot because for a long time he couldn't actually say those three words. Three words, eight letters that he literally held onto for dear life whenever she was around him. He was a stupid boy then, a stupid one that thought he could easily get rid of the feelings he constantly tried to convince others he didn't have. The ones he constantly tried to convince himself that he didn't have. He ran and pushed for many years and so did she; but they were made for each other. They were like broken pieces that would eventually be put back together to fix everything. 

He couldn't lose her and he swore to himself that he would do everything in his power not to. It wasn't just for himself, it was also for their daughter but he had decided this long before their little girl was even born. There was no way that Mason would lose his lifeline, his reason for even existing. After everything that they had been through, it was the least that he could do and the only thing that would even be worth fighting for in this fucked up world that they lived in. He needed her because she was his salvation from that fucked up world. There was no telling where he would be without the woman that showed him that there was something to live for; his guess was six feet under. Mason always thought that he would be the one destined for that before he could cause more damage to the beautiful woman that slept soundly next to him after a long evening of films and loving smiles from their little one. Even after all this time, he had the fear of ruining the life that they were building together but she managed to keep him grounded. She was the one that kept him from losing to the side of him he'd always be trying to fully get rid of. 

Unfortunately, that side of him was more present now than ever and it was all because the love of his life was in the place he had thought he'd end up in.

Present:

Wake up...

Daddy wake up, it's time to go see her.

Small warm hands shook him as he slowly began to come out from the deep sleep he was in.

"It's not time yet, it can't be time yet. I don't want to do this," he thought as he tried to fight it.If he was woken up then it would be another day before he could see her again, in his dreams. Images that were far too good to stop seeing began to fade though even as he continued to fight- a fight that he knew he would soon lose though because he would have to face reality again. God, how he wished that this wasn't the reality that he was being forced to live in...but he had to live through it. He couldn't give up for the little girl who was the first thing he saw now as he slowly opened his eyes. His eyes were red like they were most of the time but it wasn't as common as it had been when they first lost her.

Daddy, it's late. Mommy's waiting for us...

He closed his eyes again for a short moment, feeling the small hand that had been shaking him from his shoulder now on his face. The softness of her small hand felt familiar and good. It was the same way that Diana would put her hand on his cheek whenever she needed him to really pay attention to her words. Whenever Sophia did that, there was nothing else that he could think about.

With a sigh, he brought his hand up to the little girl's covering it with his own and gently pulled her from it so that she could climb up onto bed with him. "I know," he said quietly as he pulled her against his chest so her head could rest on it. Inhaling deeply, the smell of her hair invaded all of his senses, and the perfect curls of her hair reminded him of her mother's. After a few quiet moments, her hand searched for his and intertwined her tiny fingers with his. "Have I told you lately how much I love you?" he asked, feeling her nod her head against his chest. 

You tell me every day, Daddy.

At her reply, he smiled weakly, his next words getting caught in his throat before he could even open his mouth to talk. "Do you believe me?" Mason finally asked again once he regained the ability to speak.

No one loves me as much as you do. Except for Mommy, she loves me too.

"A lot of people love you, baby girl." 

Max and Auntie Evan love me too. She added with a small giggle. And Taylor, and uncle Luke.

"That's right. They do love you. You will always have love."

... Daddy? Sophia said after a pause, tightening her hold on his hand.

I love you too.

This time, there was no trace of that giggle from a few moments ago, instead her voice was shaky and it broke his heart again to know that he put her through this situation once again. Instead of making it easier, he still couldn't find the strength to be able to go through with this day without a problem, and he was sure that he never would. This was something that Sophia wished she could changed, he knew it. She would tell him as often as she could, I'm here Daddy and we're gonna be okay.

A bark that came from the living room zapped them out of the moment, knowing that it was Max's way of telling them that Taylor was there and ready to take where they needed to go for the day.

"We're going to have breakfast with your uncle Luke and your aunt before we go see flowers for your mom, how does that sound?" Mason asked as he sat up and smiled as honestly as he could at his daughter. She gave him a quick nod and threw herself towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

We're getting her favorite flowers. Lots of them, you can buy a whole garden of her favorites and mommy will love them.

"She will, especially coming from us."

No longer than fifteen minutes later, Mason managed to get out of bed and quickly dress himself seeing as his shirt, coat, and bow tie had already been picked out by Sophia herself. It wasn't often that they went out and didn't match, it was a law for them to match according to Sophia and Mason had no way around that. It was a law he followed because he knew she loved it. On their way towards the door which was already opened for them, Sophia asked Taylor about his morning as she usually did and carried on into the car before Mason. The ride wasn't long and neither was the breakfast that followed before they were already on their way to see Diana. 

Before arriving to their next destination, Mason moved his attention from the things they passed by from the window, finding his daughter quieter than usual on this trip. It was a trip they took often and there weren't many quiet moments. That was mostly because Sophia would ask Mason about her mom and questioned him about other family members that she didn't known. It was still confusing to her why she didn't know her grandfather, but Mason insisted that she would eventually know before returning to Diana subjects; subjects that involved him telling the little girl how much he loved Diana and how much she loved him and Sophia back. Today, she sat in place fiddling her thumbs and looked down at her shoes.

"Something the matter?" Mason asked, putting his arm around her shoulder.

Sophia shook her head slowly.

Aunt Nina and me talked about mommy when we went to the bathroom at the restaurant. 

"You did?" his brows raised in curiosity.

Mhm. She told me that mommy was always with me even now. She told me because I said that I miss her. She said that mommy is always with me even when I can't see her so I will really never be without her... It's true isn't it? 

"You're aunt Nina's right," he confirmed. "When I told you that she loves you, it also meant that you won't ever be without her."

Before Sophia could say anything, the car came to stop and she quickly unbuckled her seat belt and opened the door before Taylor could do it for her.

Come on Daddy! She called out to Mason as she stepped out of the car and headed to the direction of her mom's resting place. With much slower steps, Mason exited the car with the flowers they had gotten for Diana in hand and went in the direction that Sophia had just a few moments ago. When he finally caught up, he found Sophia in the same position that she always took when they were there: sitting on the grass with her legs crossed Indian-style. He knelt down next to her, Sophia already mid way through telling her mom about how her week had been as he placed the flowers on the ground. Mason said nothing as his daughter talked and didn't either once she was finished. Instead, he only waited for Sophia to say her goodbye for the week before they headed back to the car. The first few weeks that they visited, Sophia asked him why he said nothing at all while they were there. He had no real answer, instead he only said that it was a time for her to talk to her mom without him butting in. Eventually, the little girl accepted it and stopped pressing on about it.

Later that same night after Sophia had gone to bed, he waited for Evan to arrive before leaving. Evan was the only person that knew about his escapes from the house without Sophia, aside from Taylor of course. Soon after leaving Evan with Sophia, he found himself stepping out of the car again at the same location from earlier, sans Sophia this time. It was something he did every night on the days that they visited. With another bouquet of flowers gripped tightly in his hands, he knelt down once again in the same place from earlier setting them next to the other ones. For a long moment, he says nothing, only stares at the slab with the name of the woman he loves.

"I couldn't talk to you while she was here earlier...again. You know I never can." He drew a breath, already trying to push himself to go through this yet again. How Mason managed to do this, he had no idea. "And like always there are a lot of things that I want to say, but I can't manage anything other than I miss you... I miss you every morning, I miss you when I look at Sophia and see your face..." He smiled at the thought for a moment before it disappeared. "She looks so much like you... She's beautiful and yes, I do tell her that every day. She has your smile, and seeing it does things to me that I can't even fucking explain. I wish you could really be here with me to see her becoming the amazing person that she is, just like you were."

With as much strength as he could find, he stood up. "I would give up my entire life just to have you with me again, even if I could only have you for one minute..." he breathed out. "I'll be back to see you again, at the same time like always. Don't forget that I love you." With that, he turned away and walked towards the car to be taken back home.