Apr 26
I'm starting to get actual cravings for liquid creativity.
To the point where I drank a bit of ballpoint pen ink the other day.
I don't know how to deal with this.
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I'm starting to get actual cravings for liquid creativity.
To the point where I drank a bit of ballpoint pen ink the other day.
I don't know how to deal with this.
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I'm having species dysphoria (character dysphoria?) Which is great because it means I'm really Pale but also ick. My body has been mummified in living flesh. My teeth are filed. My cravings cannot be satiated. I have a soul that isn't my own and I cannot simply tear it out of my chest.
I got most of my outfit acquired now, including the ribbon (which needs to be bleached but I digress.) Obviously can't show it bc I don't want to doxx myself on a sensitive blog like this but the transition IS coming along.
I just need to work more on mental stuff.
Someone ended up "accidentally" buying me a lifetime supply of ink-scented perfume. So I smell like Pale now. Permanently.
We're going to start encoding new memories tonight! So exciting...
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Next goals:
Induce pseudomemories
Get ribbon
So now that I'm not in complete denial anymore Blue and I have started the actual forcecharacter process. It began last night (2/27/26) with Blue forcing me into an emotionless state. It's rather easy to get me into that headspace (blessings of having a dissociative disorder I suppose) but maintaining it is a bit more difficult.
We just stayed and talked on call, and any time I felt anything I was reminded that I'm soulless and can't feel whatever emotion my brain tried to experience. I also wasn't allowed to talk about myself in the third person like I am prone to doing.
I was able to stay emotionless for around two hours.
And it 'felt' nice, not at all like most humans would expect. Calm, peaceful, slow. When my mind races 24/7, being like that feels like it's able to take a deep breath after years of neglect. And the day after, I feel calmer than normal, there are less thoughts in my head.
I can actually be productive today ^^
Pretty sure I had dreams about becoming my new self all night last night.