I never related to the idea that some people thought they were broken before they discovered what asexuality was. I always knew with certainty that I would never feel that kind of attraction toward anyone and I was always content with that. When I found out about the Asexual spectrum in 9th year I was so proud of that part of my identity. It has since then been the piece of myself that I've felt the biggest connection with and the only part of me that I've felt was even worth being prideful about.
Aromanticism, on the other hand, has haunted me ever since I learned what it was. I've always known that my perception of relationships was vastly different compared to those around me and I always told myself it was purely due to my asexuality. Sure, I didn't feel that kind of connection with my partners or crave the things that other people did but of course that had to be because of my asexuality and nothing more.
Aromanticism made me feel broken in a way that I struggle to describe. Not in the sense that there's something inherently wrong with me because of my orientation. Rather, I had held onto the idea that I could have a traditionally romantic connection for so long that I feel like it's been taken away from me and it's left a hole in its place. Aromanticism made me feel broken in the sense that a piece of myself had been stolen as opposed to I was manufactured wrong from the start.
I've struggled with that part of my identity for an unbelievably long time now despite all the other personal struggles that have come and gone. It's only very recently that I've let myself even entertain the idea regardless of the fact that I've known it to be the truth since the beginning. It's within the past few weeks since I've created this blog that I've really started to feel a sense of acceptance toward my aromanticism and it's purely because of all the people in this fandom I see with Five profiles proudly talking about their AroAce identities and posting AroAce Five content. I understand it isn't canonical and that some people even wholeheartedly disagree but from what little I do know about Gerard Way I don't think they'd mind the representation the AroAce community has found in his character.
There's just something so simultaneously comforting and validating in seeing other people like me project onto this character I cherish so deeply something that I dislike about myself. It feels less like something that's been taken from me and finally more like a part of me that connects me to other people. For the first time, I feel like aromanticism has connected me to something and it's helped me so much in sitting myself down and realizing that it's okay.
This is the first time I've truly acknowledged that I am, in fact, aromantic. Even to myself. For a few months I've had a few very limited conversations about the possibility with a very small group of people but never really admitted it to myself fully. It doesn't feel as life-changing anymore.
To the few AroAce TUA mutuals I have and the handful of bigger AroAce TUA blogs I follow, should you see this, I want to thank you sincerely for filling such a supportive role in my terribly long journey to self-acceptance. It means more to me than I could ever express and I still can't manage to explain it as well as I wish I could.
