#<3.levi

But you’ve also never seen him cuddle someone, or kiss their forehead, or hold their car door open for them. So you have clearly stepped into the realm of the unknown. The problem is that your weird situationship is ominous to everyone, and you’re no exception to that lovely fact. Levi doesn’t discuss feelings with you, not through words. He never explicitly tells you he appreciates you for making his tea before a meeting, but instead brings you a nice cup of coffee from your favorite cafe when he sees you the following morning.

A man like Levi is an enigma. You’re on a decent basis with him. You know the important things; he likes his tea without any sweetener. He hates crumbs in the bed and will delay going to sleep to throw the bedding into the washer. He has a soft spot for cats, but is unfortunately extremely allergic to them. He loves it when you look at him through your eyelashes. Whether he likes you enough to make anything official? Evidently not.

You’re not sure why this bothers you so much, as you have never been one to crave a long-lasting partnership. All you understood was that life with Levi was comfortable. He came over, you two ate and kept each other’s minds busy from the daunting reality of your lives, your couch became a hub for cuddling, and mind-blowing sex would ensue. He’d use all your fancy soaps in the shower, tuck you in, and let you play with his hair. And then he’d be gone in the next hour with no loving words exchanged in between meet-ups. Just casual conversation as if those days never happened. But they would keep happening, and happening, and happening until there was more time together than apart in the week.

If you compliment him too much, he’ll go quiet and leave earlier than he usually does. He’s only recently taken to initiating non-sexual physical contact. A hand lifting your legs onto his lap. Pushing your hair out of your face. Forehead kisses were his most recent addition, and that was by far the most troubling to date.

He hadn’t realized you were awake when he did it. It was one night after you watched one of his favorite movies from his childhood that he used to watch with his mother. Leaning into one another turned into you lying in his lap as he played with your strands between his fingers. After the movie ended, one thing led to the next. You made more eye contact than you usually did as he gave it to you slowly and deeply, fingers interlocked as though he were worried you would slip out of his grasp. It was passionate. And caring. Neither of those was a feeling you were used to when it came to Levi. He ended up staying a little longer than usual that night, and you were half tempted to stay up just to see if he would really sleep beside you.

He hadn’t planned on it. But the disappointment you felt when he quietly rustled to get up was quickly replaced by a drop in your stomach when you felt a presence looming over you - a quiet pause, as though he were hesitating over something. And then you'd felt it; his soft lips pressing to your forehead so gently you'd thought you might be dreaming already. You only knew it was real when he exhaled softly against the skin there. He didn’t pull away immediately in regret, which was surprising to you. You fluttered your eyes open softly, the two of you peering at one another, the moon sprinkling glitter into your irises. You didn’t say anything to each other, eyes searching over each other’s faces. He finally pulled away after a prolonged pause to put his jacket on to leave, presumably. Your hand instinctively reached out to grab onto his sleeve. “Just stay,” You looked up at him with sleepy eyes through your eyelashes. He’d relented without too much of a push, slipping his shirt off before climbing into bed. Before you fell asleep, you only had one thought in your mind as you slipped off into the best sleep of your life. “Fuck.”

That was a week ago; it was as though you both had mentally decided not to talk about it. But it meant something to you. You realized in that stomach-churning moment in the middle of that night. One, you really liked it when he kissed your forehead. Two, you wish you were able to read the thoughts racing behind his eyes. Three, he was absolutely earth-shatteringly beautiful. Four, and the hardest to grasp of them all, you liked him. Like, really liked him. Again: Fuck.

You needed to push it down, pretend it never happened. Tuck it under lock and key. The days pass by day by day without incident, and even though nothing out of the norm really happened, you couldn't help but overread into every situation. You found yourself getting nervous around him for the first time in, well, ever. You were never overly concerned with Levi’s perception of you, as long as he deemed you attractive enough to fulfill his role as your “not really boyfriend,” ; that was enough for you. That was until you saw the starlight illuminating your face as he spoke silent words to you through his eyes. As though confusion slowly unclouded into self-assurance. And then acceptance.

His acts of service didn't change throughout the week. He still bought food for dinner, brought coffee when you were meeting up in the morning, and washed your dishes after a meetup while you were in the shower. He was great at playing the role of being your boyfriend without emotionally buying in. You came to a sharp, sudden conclusion that you wanted that to change.

Absurd, coming from you. Had you told your friends you had feelings, real feelings, for someone, they’d be shocked. Much less if the sentiments in question were for your situationship, who you’d sworn up and down was just a friend who you occasionally boned on your couch after he fed you dinner.

Of course, none of this was actually as casual as you had made it out to be. You’d realized that after attempting to rationalize everything in your mind. The next day, he came well into the night.

“Room service,” He’d grumbled, walking past you with a brown bag in hand. Despite his less-than-enthusiastic tone, his actions showed otherwise. The logo on the takeaway bag came from one of your favorite restaurants that was located all the way across town. You never fit time in your schedule to treat yourself to it, between Levi and your full-time job, so any chance to get it was a gift in itself.

Your eyes shone like lamps as your body perked up. “Is that from Lillie’s?” You watched as he unwrapped his scarf from his neck.

He waves the bag a bit in his hand as he bounds towards the coffee table. “Don’t thank me too much. I had to meet up with the old geezer today, so I was in that area already.” He opens the boxes and heads towards the kitchen. No need for permission or guidance; He knows where everything is.

Jeez, Kenny? No wonder Levi seems a little more tense than usual. He’d told you about his relationship with the older man in the past, with more bad things to say than good. You grimace as you walk into the kitchen, pulling some glasses out to prepare some drinks. “I’m sorry to hear that. You know, you don’t have to come all the time. I mean- I want you to, I just don't want you to feel like you have to. We’re not contractually bound. I mean, not that I feel like we are, I like having you here, it’s just…” He lets you ramble on as he watches you open a bottle of wine to pour for the two of you.. “I don’t know.”

He watches you pour in silence for a moment as you mentally scold yourself. What an absolute blunder. “The only thing that got me through that meeting with Kenny was knowing I’d get to see you after.” You almost let the bottle slip from your grasp, the glass making a loud clink as the bottle bumps into your glass.

He clears his throat. “Plus, your dorky reaction to this restaurant was the cherry on top.”

He was telling you the truth. He was steaming, leaving the cafe after his meet-up with Kenny. More bullshit comments about his mother, and how they didn’t need to be paying as much money for her assisted living home. He consistently brings that up despite Levi’s promise to his uncle that he would be dead before he downgraded his mother’s comfortable living in the sacrifice of his wallet.

He found himself staring at his watch, mentally keeping track of time. He’d had about an hour and a half to meet you there at his usual time. Kenny’s voice snapped him back into reality. “What’re you so antsy for? Got a hot date after this, or somethin’?” He drawled.

Levi froze for a split second. In all honesty, he didn’t know what he should be calling these nights of yours. All he knew was it was not Kenny’s business. “Something like that,” He mumbled, looking outside. A little sign caught his eye from across the street. Before he realized it, he was calling the server back over for the check. He ignored Kenny’s low whistle as he reached for his card.

You stare down at the wine glasses, thinking of the best thing to say next. What do you do with that information? Why is it so easy for him to say?

“Well, I look forward to seeing you, too. I even clean my bathroom for you every day, you know?”

He rolls his eyes, and an amused smirk creeps onto his face. “Should I give you an applause?”

“No, Lillie’s was a prize enough,” You shake your head, wine in hands as you settle down at the table. The two of you pop on some random stand-up comedy and thirty minutes later, you and Levi are sitting huddled together on the couch. The dishes were already rinsed and put in the dishwasher, despite your efforts to keep the man seated. You’ve pulled a blanket over the two of you and lean onto his chest. Levi speaks up semi-often, mumbling something about the comedian’s conversation topic. To be honest, this man wasn’t holding your attention nearly as much as Levi was. You respond to his comments as he tosses them out there, voice vibrating his chest underneath you. Strong and built, but still extremely comfortable to lay your head on. You’re lulled to a comfortable sleep by Levi’s timbered laugh beneath you.

When you stir next, the TV was off. Levi was still beneath you, fingers playing with your hair. You blink back awake slowly, taking in your surroundings. Levi’s hand pauses where it’s at, silently assessing whether you’ve actually stirred awake or not. You blink up at him, giving a dopey smile. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I’d fallen asleep.”

“It’s okay, you didn’t miss much. The first half of his special was exceedingly better than the latter,” He assures you. You turn your head to look at him, his hand landing on your cheek. Neither of you moves a muscle. You must not realize how weak in the knees you made him when you looked at him like that, he thought. Maybe for the better; Knowing you, that would be your next bargaining chip. At first, he was taken aback by you looking through your eyelashes at him. It was something that only really happened when you were on your knees in front of him. Now, with moments like these, he realizes how soft he gets when he sees it. You could ask him for anything with that look on your face, and he’d make it happen before you could snap your fingers. It's dangerous.

In the silence of the moment, the candle you’d lit earlier crackling in the corner, casting shadows onto his face, muted passive traffic sounds come from below, something in you finally snapped.

You slowly moved your body upwards, pushing yourself closer to him, his hand still on your cheek. You glanced at his lips, licking yours in the process. He mirrors your action, throat suddenly feeling dry. Your gaze moved onto his eyes, staring at him, staring at your lips before his met yours.

You slowly move in towards one another, raising a hand up to his hair. His lips fall into yours, soft kisses melting into something heavier. You needed this man so badly. You feel like a fool for taking this long to understand.

You and Levi were no strangers to being intimate with one another. But tonight, something felt different. An electric current was burning between the two of you; you both could feel it in the touches. A little needier, clingier, reeking of desperation. The grip on his hair, his strong hand on your hips as he manhandles you beneath him. The lingering hands after clothes are pushed aside. The way he grips your jaw to keep eye contact with him as he presses into you, slow and passionate, just like that night a week ago. But now, it was like a lightbulb had finally flickered above both of your heads. Such an obvious finish line. He wraps the arm that isn’t holding himself up around your waist as he fucks into you, and you find yourself lost in a mix of passion and exhilaration.

“Levi, I want you.” You groan out, despite him already being inside of you.

He lets out a breathless chuckle, his next thrust being a little deeper and sharper than the last. “You have me. You’ve always had me.”

When you finish up, it’s quiet. Not an awkward quiet, a tranquil one.

He finishes cleaning the two of you off before handing you his shirt and your panties from the ground, before slipping his pants back on. “I meant what I said.” You looked down at a loose thread on your couch. “I want you. All of you.”

He comes to sit next to you on the couch. “I did too. I’m yours. I’ve been yours. I’m shit at emotions, and I can’t guarantee that I’ll be any good in a relationship. All I can promise is that I know I feel strongly for you. This isn’t about the sex,” he shakes his head, looking down at his lap. “I wanted things to be casual in the beginning, and then I found myself forcing myself to get through the day, not just to fuck you, but to just see you. And that scares the shit out of me.”

You finally chanced a look at him, and he’s already looking at you. “That night, a week ago. That’s when it all fell into place with me. Hearing you talk about your mother, the- the forehead kiss,” You can hear him inhale sharply. “I realized that if you went home at that moment, I wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep.”

He shakes his head, chuckling. “That’s a lie. You were already half out by the time I was gathering my things. To be honest, I don’t know why I did that. It was a test, maybe, for myself to see if what I thought I was feeling was real. Staying the night wasn’t exactly on my to-do list then, but you lured me back in like a siren,” He shakes his head, still smiling. He stands up, and for a moment, you worry he’s going to leave again.

“If I don’t shower in the next five minutes, I’m gonna get cranky.” He declares.

“You’re always cranky,” You mused, looking up at him. “So…” He stares down at you, head slightly tilted to the side. “Does this mean I’m your girlfriend?” Doe eyes are looking towards him like you can read his mind.

His face feels a bit hot. “Yes. If you’d be so inclined,” He puts a hand on your cheek, leaning down to kiss you there. “You know, every time you look at me like that, I can never say no. It’s like you’re some witch succubus that can get me to agree to anything.” He begins walking towards your bedroom.

It didn’t matter. You didn’t have work tomorrow. You didn’t have plans. You didn’t have any friends to go to, seeing as you’ve put your phone on do not disturb and shoved it in your pocket since last week. You had absolutely nothing to do tonight except for filling the void with whatever you possibly could. Anything to get you out of your apartment that feels a little more lonely now, with fewer clothes, fewer shoes, one less toothbrush. No reminders of him. It was as if it never happened. 

Your train of thought spirals you into a deeper pit, suddenly aware of how it takes an extra few seconds to focus your eyes. The bartender steals your attention when she exclaims Last call. 

You hand signal her for one more, and she briskly nods her head. When she places the drink in front of you, she sets a glass of water beside it. You don’t touch it. You close out your tab, dropping a large stack of cash on top of it for her tip. She’s wiping down the bar, lights slowly shutting off. When you look around, you realize you’re one of the last ones here. Time to go. 

Getting up is a harder task than you’d thought it’d be. You lose your balance, slightly wobbling once your feet hit the floor for the first time in four hours. She pretends not to notice in her peripheral vision as she wipes a spot for a little longer than she usually would. 

You gather your bearings, pulling your coat and scarf around you, pushing the door open to the winter night. The cold wind hits you immediately. You welcome it onto your flushed skin. 

You stand on the front of the bar, watching as the last few people leave the establishment, laughing boisterously. It leaves a feeling in your stomach that you can’t quite name. 

Cars whip past you as you stand on the sidewalk. You should probably start walking home. Go home, take off your shoes. Remove your makeup. Put on pajamas. Cuddle into your pillows and try to recall the smell of his shampoo on them. 

You stop in your tracks, staring ahead at the dead of the night. Your chest feels like it’s filled with water, and you choke up immediately without thinking. Hot tears contrast with the frigid air, burning your cheeks. Your hand itches to pull your phone out of your pocket. 

You give in, slipping your hand down to grab ahold of the device. You boot it up, watching as the loading bar flashes. It takes a second. You stare mournfully, desperate for it to be on, desperate to see his name, desperate for some sort of miracle of him saying he made a mistake and takes it all back. 

The brightness once your phone finally powers on makes you cringe and lower it. You sway in the street as you squint at the overwhelming amount of messages that all pop up at once. Hange, Miche, Petra… notification after notification, begging for you to call them back. To show some sign of life. They’re not who you’re looking for, though.

Once the notifications finally roll to a stop, you trace your eyes down the list, praying and holding your breath. You get to the very bottom, and nothing. Nothing. 

Surely, it was a mistake. You pull up your messages, narrowly missing a rock on the sidewalk. You trip over yourself, falling ungracefully. More tears, you blink hard to get rid of them. You can’t fucking see. You pull into your chat with him, seeing his last test. Some stupid message about leaving your key under the mat. You gave him no response at that moment, and now you’re hating yourself for it. 

Didn’t he miss you? Was he drunk at a bar tonight, too? 

You imagined this for a moment, the thought of seeing him also drunk, stumbling down the street. A chance meeting, where he suddenly professes his love again. Where the twinkle in his eye looks like it did years ago. 

You close your eyes as the running mascara burns. Fuck. You try to stand up after you regain your vision, blurry street lamps guiding you along. You don’t think. You tap back into his contact, reading old messages. You scroll back to before that night. The night you came home to his bags near the front door. Just like Levi. Prepared in every moment. It was meticulous work, every hint of him ever being in your apartment scrubbed and cleaned. 

You view the messages. To the point. Sparse loving sweet nothings. Directions to the restaurant you went to on your last date. You scroll up farther, punishing yourself. Months ago. An old selfie of you pushing his head against yours, a small smile on his lips betraying his grumpy look. You, with a dopey smile on your lips. You hiccup, tears rushing forward again. You’ve cracked the dam. 

Everything you’ve numbed yourself to these last two weeks comes flooding at once, the salty taste of your tears mixing with the bitter bourbon you’d been knocking back like water. Your fingers slip faster than your brain can stop them. His icon is ringing, his photo and name still the same. A picture on your anniversary, the two of you dressed to the nines. Someone, Erwin, you think, snapping a photo as Levi gazed at you with so much love, it transcended the image. You stare at the photo for so long, you don’t even register that he had actually picked it up. 

A small voice buzzes, and you’re confused for a moment before realizing the situation. 

When you raise the phone to your ear, you nearly fall to your knees again. For the first time in almost two weeks, you finally hear his voice. 

“-lo? Are you okay?” His voice is filled with concern. “Say something.”

Your voice comes out, crackled and broken. “Levi?” 

He speaks your name back to you. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

He sounds so worried. Ah, yes. It’s no longer normal for you to call him at… You check the time on your phone. 12:37 AM. 

He says your name again, sternly. “Where are you?” 

You hum, relishing in the moment. If you close your eyes, you can pretend this is a normal conversation in your normal relationship with your loving boyfriend. “I don’t know exactly. All these streets look so different when it’s dark outside,” You sigh, continuing home at a leisurely pace. 

“You’re out? At this time of night?” You can hear rustling on his side of the phone. It makes you cringe. 

“I wanted to go out. I haven’t been out in a while,” You shrug like it’s not a big deal. “I didn’t want to be home tonight. I didn’t want to-“ You cut yourself off, memories of the last week flashing through your eyes. Dreading every moment you had to be home from work. Curled in a fetal position in your bed, holding onto one old, faded shirt he left at your place. “It’s so dark there.” You whispered, hoping that was clear enough of an explanation. 

Silence meets you on the other end, and you panic. You’re losing his attention, again. You don’t want to lose him again, please God, don’t let this conversation be the last one. “I’m sorry- I shouldn’t have-“ 

“Where are you?” He demands. 

“Walking home,” You stare dead ahead. It was about a ten-minute walk, sober. Now? The same can’t be said. You stumble a little. 

“I shouldn’t have called you. I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk, I just… I don’t want to hang up. This isn’t fair-“ your voice cuts off. “I’m sorry. I’m drunk. I’m drunk, and I miss you, and it’s so fucking cold out here.” Your eyes well up in tears, feeling pitiful. You feel the need to fill the silence, unable to bear the thought of his lack of presence again. You wouldn’t be able to handle it if he withdrew from you again. 

You squint at bright lights suddenly coming down the empty road, blinking twice when you see the exact make and model of Levi’s car. You laugh humorlessly. Now you’re seeing things. You pull the phone back to check to see if you’ve imagined this entire phone call. But as you do, the call ends on his end. 

Your sob rips through you before you can stop it, pushing the tears away with the back of your hand. You tremble along, trying not to think about the ache in your chest that’s squeezing so hard it hurts. 

You cry out in little gasps, frowning when you see that car slowing down. Of course, a slap in the face from the universe. You see someone walking towards you, but you don’t even care. All you want to do is go home and sit in your shower and wash the stench of alcohol and despair off of you. Alone. Again. The tears cascade down, blurring your vision, and you rely on muscle memory through the haze to drag you home. 

The person suddenly stands in front of you, grabbing you by your shoulders to force you to stop. 

You look up and stop breathing. “Levi,” You sob, falling into him. 

He assesses you, your face, your appearance. You seem to be okay, physically. Nothing that should cause him worry that someone roughed you up. When you look up at him, his heart splinters. Your face, streaked with mascara, eyes swollen, and makeup running off. And the look you gave him. 

He sighs and, against his better judgment, pulls you into his chest. He shushes you, your cries, your incoherent speech. He squeezes you tight against him as he feels your shaking slowly stop. 

You’re engulfed in him. His scent, his warmth, the feeling of his grey long sleeve against your cold cheeks. It’s overwhelming. 

“I missed you. I can’t do this, Levi, I can’t—“ You hiccup into his chest. “I’ll do anything- I’ll change. I’ll stop leaving my clothes on the floor, I’ll do my hair more like I did when we first started dating, I’ll work fewer hours, I’ll-“ You inhale cold air. “I’ll change for you. I just want you to be in love with me the way you used to be,” You plead, choking on sobs. “The apartment is so empty, and it’s so cold in there because you used to turn the heat up all the time. I would forget. It’s so quiet because your music isn’t playing in the living room anymore…” You sniffle. 

You can’t see the way he tilts his head back, staring up at the sky as he swallows his emotions down. He has so much to say, and yet nothing at all. Nothing could change this situation as it stands. Too much time has passed, yet not enough. He looks down at you, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand and grimaces at the black streak your mascara leaves behind. Nothing productive would come from him talking to you when you’re like this anyway. 

“Let’s get you home,” He exhales, softly guiding you to his car. He helps you in the car, making sure you’re buckled in properly, before jogging to his side and starting the car. He looks over at you, staring out of the window, looking absolutely miserable. 

The drive doesn’t take long, but it feels like forever. You sit in the silence, enjoying the warmth Levi sets on you. Your head lolls to the side as you stare at the street passing by. This breakup would’ve been easier if it were catastrophic. You wish so badly that he did something awful, like sell your car or cheat on your friend. Instead, he just slowly resigned into himself. You wish you could say the breakup took you by surprise, but it didn’t. You two had less time to spend together, with how busy your schedules were. You saw each other more in passing than you did in moments that mattered. 

Levi was already very guarded with his feelings; his emotions were always held tight to his chest. It made sense to you that he left. But it just hurt because that meant you just simply weren’t enough to keep him there. He didn’t love you anymore. He wasn’t in love with you anymore. 

You blink away the wetness on your lashes, not wanting to cry again, as the car pulls into your apartment. Neither of you says anything for a long moment. You put yourself together, preparing to exit the car. You silently prayed that he would say something, anything. Anything to make this small moment stretch just a little longer. Anything to make it so you didn’t have to say goodbye just yet.

Nothing happens. You blink a few times quickly and avoid looking at your reflection in the side mirror. “Thank you. I’m really sorry,” You force your gaze ahead, not wanting to look at him. You feel his eyes pierce into you from the side. 

He reaches for the ignition, hand hesitating for a moment, before killing the engine. “I’m not leaving you like this,” He sighs, opening the door. He doesn’t even think twice when he comes to your side and opens the door for you. Tomorrow, he can blame it on muscle memory or wanting to make sure you don’t fall on your drunk ass, but if he’s honest, it’s just because he wanted to. Because he missed it. 

He walks you to your apartment, stopping at the door. You feel your heart race as you reach your destination. A realization passes through you, and you bend at the waist to grab the key still under the mat. Levi watches with an indescribable look on his face. Something flashes across his expression, but it leaves before you can place it. 

You silently unlock your door and slip it into your pocket. You step into the cold, empty apartment. When you bend to slip your shoes off, you nearly lose your balance, clutching onto the wall to stabilize yourself. Levi’s instincts take over, hands on your sides to keep you upright. 

He suddenly snaps back into reality, returning to his previous spot. He steels his face, the tips of his ears turning red. This wasn’t easy for him. The only reason he’s been able to hold himself together this far is by pushing everything down and to the side. But you weren’t making it easy for him. 

Seeing you here, again. Aware of how broken you are, knowing he was the one who would always pick all of your pieces back up and put you back together. How was he supposed to do that when he’s the reason you’re like this?

Drunk and sobbing. Makeup smeared on the back of your hand as you struggle to take your shoes off. He has to stop himself from scooping you in his arms and cradling you until you finally close your eyes. 

He sighs, watching the frown on your face as you fight with the clasp on your ankle. He bends down, kneeling before you. Eyes wide, you stabilize yourself, looking down at him. He makes swift work of it, mechanical in his movements. He softly removes your foot from your left shoe, his gentle hands guiding. He repeats the process with the other one, trying to ignore the flush growing on the back of his neck. 

He clears his throat as he rises back to his feet, softly sweeping his knees. “Come on,” He mumbles, guiding you by your shoulders to turn around and walk into your bathroom. 

He doesn’t know what to expect from your apartment. Maybe some clothes thrown around from you planning an outfit, or some leftover dishes you didn’t get around to. Instead, it’s completely clean. Sparkling. It looks exactly the way he left it when he left you behind. 

No trace of mess, aside from the crumpled sheets on your bed, and his old, tattered college shirt along with it. He pretends not to see it as he guides you into your bathroom, swallowing down the feeling that scratches his chest. 

You don’t even realize your slip-up, focused on the feeling of his hands on your shoulders with a haze over your eyes. When he’s casual with you like this, it almost makes you forget. For the second time tonight, you beg for everything to stay like this. Where you can pretend to be normal, like this was just a regular night for you and Levi. Where he wouldn’t slip out of your apartment again once you fell asleep. 

You silently pray he stays longer, selfishly. He’s already done so much for you tonight, but you can’t help but beg whatever higher being that you don’t have to go back to being alone again tonight.

He helps you into the shower, looking away when you remove your outfit before stepping in. You can’t help the dry laugh that leaves your mouth. “Nothing you haven’t seen before,” you mumble, stepping under the hot water. 

He rolls his eyes, and for the first time tonight, has an urge to smile. 

He stays with you while you shower, keeping an open ear for any sudden noises in case you lose your balance again. 

When you get out, he has your favorite set of pajamas in hand and slips out of the bathroom before you can thank him. 

Pushing the door open, you come out to see him sitting on your bed. You’re surprised he didn’t leave when he had the chance, but send a quick mental “thank you” to whoever’s listening. 

He nods his head towards your bedside table at the headache medicine and glass of water that rest there. “Pills for the morning, water for now.” 

You don’t have the energy to respond mindfully, simply grasping the cup as you follow the orders. “Thank you,” You mumble, suddenly feeling awkward in your own room. 

He reads this, standing to allow you on the bed. You don’t lie down, not yet. You sit at the edge, looking at him. Rip off the band-aid. “Are you going to leave me?”

You internally cringe at the wording of that question. Something flashes in his eyes before he sighs. He takes a step forward. “I should.” 

You feel yourself deflate. “Okay,” You whisper, biting the inside of your cheek. You focus on the feeling there rather than the sudden urge to ball up. 

“I should. But I’m not going to,” he sighs. “So scoot over. I said it in the car and meant it. I’m not— I can’t leave you like this,” 

You exhale sharply, silently moving to your side of the bed. “Thank you,” You exhale again, feeling like a broken record. 

He lies down beside you, leaving space between. You stare up at the ceiling. The silence passes in thick waves. “Levi…” You whisper. 

He hums in response. 

“I’m sorry. I love you so much. I let so much slip away… I took us for granted. I’ve realized so much in the last two weeks. It’s so quiet here without your kettle whistling or your music always playing.” Your cheek wets with a stray tear. “I’m sorry. I just want to know that.” The last part comes out in a whisper. “And even if we never see each other again after tonight, I’ll force myself to be okay with that. If that’s genuinely what you believe is best for you, I can handle that. As long as you know I never stopped loving you,” You choke. 

He doesn’t say anything for a long moment. 

“I know.” You both stare up at the ceiling. You don’t think he’ll respond again until he says, “I never stopped loving you, too.”

Lip quivering, you turn your head to the side, away from him. Your shaky inhale is all that can be heard. Don’t be hopeful. Don’t jinx it. The fact that you know you didn’t push him away will be enough to let you rest for tonight. 

You feel a shift, and then suddenly feel Levi’s hand on your cheek, turning your head back towards him. He forces eye contact with you, his gentle hand still caressing your face. “I’m sorry.” A soft drag of his thumb against your cheek. “I’m here.” Another tear rolls. 

Levi ↴

He would grumble about it at first, thinking it was stupid to have to prove to anyone his strength capabilities, especially when the implication was that you were too heavy? Ridiculous. He despised the idea of having random internet strangers view his height and make assumptions on what he was capable of, knowing damn well he could bench press the weight of anyone who would even dare make a negative comment. "It's okay, Levi. If you think I'm too heavy, you don't have to-" That got him to stand up immediately. He could put his slight irritation to the side if it meant proving to you that it was such a baseless issue; of course he could lift you. Over his head, no doubt, but you'd probably squirm too much, and he doesn't want to risk potentially dropping (and hurting) you. So he'd have to put the showboating on the back burner.

"Set the damn camera up." He grumbled, running a hand through his hair. Your squeal and giggle were enough for him to realize that this would be worth it. You did a quick run-through of some semblance of a script, going in one ear and out of the other.

He watched as you tugged at your clothing, fixing your hair in the camera before setting up the song and phone's angle. A quick thumbs up towards him let him know it was on.

You started lip syncing to some song, when he noticed you were moving your hips a little too good. Before he could think about his actions, he was in frame, grabbing your waist with one arm and hoisting you over his shoulder, covering your ass with his other hand protectively. You were politely walked out of frame while he had a scowl on his face.

"Levi!" You giggled, still in his arm as he walked you to the couch. "That was not in the script!"

He just shrugged. "Change of plans."

Safe to say, one take was more than enough. The entire comment section was filled to the brim with "i'm totally not jealous at all." and "we love a protective man". You had more than your share of fun scrolling through the public's thoughts while lying on Levi's chest, giggling at more of the scathingly jealous, hilarious ones.

Jean ↴

Your video wasn’t curated with the idea of being a trend. Your group had been out at the bar, enjoying the feeling of finally not having work to do. One catch-up drink turned into three, which turned into a darts tournament where the losers had to take shots. Sasha was the reigning champion, followed second by your boyfriend. You, however, had been dead last. The drunkest of the group, all walking down the night-drawn city streets. You’d been stumbling, giggling, happy to breathe in the fresh cold air that burned your lungs in the best of ways. You were with your trio, Connie almost as drunk as you, as your arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders, singing along to some random tune the two of you made up.

Sasha had her camera out, taking snap videos which you assumed would be spliced together and posted somewhere. No one ever thought too much about it, happy to just be comfortable and let the excited brunette have her fun.

You’d lost your grip on Connie’s shoulders, stumbling on some randomly placed rock on the ground, but your boyfriend was too quick.

Jean grabbed your arm to stop you from falling on your ass, using his grip to pull you into his arms. A small sound of shock leaves your mouth as your center of gravity is thrown off, found only when you glanced up into your boyfriend’s brown eyes. Your purse is dangling from your hand, strewn over one of his strong arms. “Well, hello, soldier.” You winked, giggling as you fell into his comfortable embrace.

Sasha grinned behind her phone, happy to have captured that moment. Jean rolled his eyes lovingly. “Hello, my lovely drunk girlfriend,”

Your words were slightly slurring as you rebuttal “You’re the one who wiped me in darts. This is your fault,” thrusting a well manicured finger into his chest.

He just smirked and hummed, not showing any sign of putting you down on your feet.

Sasha got to editing when she got home, cutting only the clip of the beginning of your fall. She’d hoped you wouldn’t be mad at her for publicizing her stumble but she’s sure you’d forgive her after seeing how romantic the rest of the video is.

Once her video took off, she sent the link to the group chat. Connie replied with some gagging emoji. You and Jean took a little while to respond, scrolling through the comments.

“They’re eating you up!” You grin, showing him the comment section. Troves of hilarious reaction photos in the comment sections, jokes about not having a boyfriend, and a few people asking where you got your dress from.

He peers over your shoulder, a small laugh pulling from his chest. “They’re giving me too much credit. I just didn’t want to hear you and Connie finish that god awful song.”

You smack his chest, rolling your eyes lovingly.

Armin ↴

This was more or less his idea. He saw a comment on one of your videos of a cute outfit check together, a less-than-graceful comment implying he wouldn't be able to lift you. He tried to ignore it as much as he could, but he couldn't wipe the thought from his brain. He considered bringing this new video idea up to you, but wondered if it would be pushing you too far.

He brings it up on a lazy day, the two of you just relaxing. "I have a TikTok idea, would you like to make one with me?"

Your eyebrows raise, surprised. Armin was always more than happy to indulge in your content when it pleased you, but he was more comfortable on the sidelines to support you. So, you bit.

He pulled up his phone to show you the trend someone else did, watching your reaction closely to make sure he wasn't crossing a boundary he didn't know about. Your eyes held a lot of emotions in a quick flash, but the video didn't finish a second loop before you shrugged your shoulders. "If you want to, let's do it!"

You weren't exactly excited about it, but in fear of coming across as if you were doubting your boyfriend's strength, you agreed. Every decision Armin made was calculated and thought out. He never bites off more than he can chew. So, you trusted him.

He grinned, wiping his hands on his bottoms. "Let's go, then!"

Your eyes glanced down at your lazy day outfit, then back to him. "Like this?"

Blond hair takes over your sight, his lips pressing to yours. "Absolutely. You look perfect."

He sets the camera and sound up on your phone while you sit and wait, happily. He beckons you over, pulling you into frame. The camera has already started, you realize out of the corner of your eye as he leans down to kiss your hand. Your feet suddenly sweep from under you as he uses that hand to pull you up into his arms, cradling you sweetly. He sends a syrupy sweet smile to the camera right before the song cuts off, and a replay of the video starts.

You look up at him, bewildered. His smile morphs into something softer, a sweet kiss being placed onto your forehead before your feet touch the floor again.

but tonight… tonight was different. charged. everyone was at the bar again tonight, and topics that shouldn’t have been brought up get thrown in the mix. an ex fling between you and someone else in the group that shouldn’t matter. someone bringing up levi and his ditching of petra after one night. jabs were being thrown and no one even realized how far it was pushing the two of you to a breaking point.

because if all of this was going on, and neither of you had any clue… both you and levi couldn’t explain that burnt ashy feeling in the back of your throats. raw need, an urgency. some ill placed sense of ownership from him and a need to prove your worth over hers.

one glance between the two of you across the table acted as a contract between the two of you. something was going to happen. and both of you had to be okay with that.

the inebriated, clueless group shuffles out of the bar, not even realizing you and levi’s missing coats on your chairs.

the alley was disgusting and dark but it didn’t matter. levi’s cigarette lighter flashes flame against his skin. his long eyelashes peering into yours, bourbon still stinging the back of his throat. “so erwin?”

a quirked eyebrow. “petra? really?”

he rolls his eyes. “obviously. who else? hanji?” he pulls the cigarette out of his mouth, smoke billowing around the two of you.

you narrow your eyes a bit. what a cheap shot. “well, erwin… can’t complain about that,” you shrug, leaning against the wall. “in fact, i should’ve seen where he was going after this. we have some business to take care of.” you smirked at the man across from you, watching his eyes closely.

he steps towards you, caging you in with his forearms. “i don’t give a shit that you fucked erwin. he probably didn’t even make you cum.”

“if you don’t care then why are you breathing so hard right now?” you wash your eyes over his frame. time for the final blow. you lean into his ear, dropping your voice in a seductive drawl. “and he did. quite a few times actually,”

he can’t stop himself this time, body moving faster than his brain can catch up. cigarette abandoned, a hand grasps your face gripping your jaw. “then why do you act like you haven’t gotten off in awhile? just stuck up and so desperate for it.” you grin as he rasps, thighs clenching around nothing.

he looks down. “just aching to be filled again. look at this.” his other hand runs up your thigh, bare under your skirt. “i bet you’re so fucking wet. it’s disgusting.” he slowly slides a hand up, ghosting your panties. “do you know what you do to me?” he shakes his head. “you make me so…”

“hard?” you bare your teeth in an animalistic grin. finally. you’ve been itching for this for months. the pot is finally boiling over.

“pissed off. you walk around like you know everything, like you know everyone’s looking at you. like you’re a prize,” he shakes his head, hand finally pushing your panties to the side. “it makes me want to knock you down a peg.”

a hand snakes its way down your jaw to your throat, closing off the sound that escapes you as his fingers finally pet your clit. “all that bark, and you’re fucking putty in my hands the minute i touch you. you’re so fucking desperate.” he slides further down, finally filling you. “and yet still so tight.”

your mouth falls open in a silent gasp as he fingers you, thumb massaging your clit. he grins breathlessly at you, kissing you on your open mouth. “you’re gonna cum on my fingers in this filthy alleyway. you’re gonna wet the goddamn ground,” he rasps into your ear, curling his fingers into your g-spot. “and then i’m gonna take you home, and fuck the shit out of you.” it’s like a prayer as he chants it, as if he was so sure of himself.

he practices as he preaches, working you through your orgasm quickly as he stares you in your eyes. a wild gleam retracts from the dim lights ahead.

your hands, gripping his biceps through his tight black t-shirt slide down the front of his abdomen, reaching to his belt. he hisses as the tips of your fingers brush against his hard on. “is this what i do to you?” you moan out, clenching around his fingers at the size of him. “you act like you hate me but you’re ripping at the seams with a little eye contact,” you laugh breathlessly, cutting into a moan as he curls his fingers just right.

“i can’t believe you’re still fucking talking,” his mouth upturns into a sickening smirk. he reaches a hand up to your mouth as he speeds his fingers up, focusing attention onto your most sensitive spot. “try to run your mouth now,” he dares you, fucking his fingers into you, curling and massaging. he pulls you apart from the inside out as you whimper against his palm, the back of your thighs scratching against the brick wall behind you.

he builds you up in this small alleyway, eyes scanning your face as if he’s trying to memorize how fucked out you look. what he wouldn’t do. he has half a mind to take his phone out of his pocket and commit this moment to memory forever if he wasn’t so focused on making you cum so hard you saw stars.

when you do come, it’s violent. it pulls itself from you, leaving you crying and whining in its wake. he doesn’t stop until you’re shaking from overstimulation, clenching your thighs around his hand.

he pulls his hand up to his mouth, never once breaking eye contact as he sucks yourself off of his fingers. “how many more until i beat his record?”

you grin, pulling your skirt back down. “three.”