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"Doing good deeds can be a bitch. I'll settle with being a bitch forever, thank you."

"There's surgery to reduce the size of a man's scrotum. Obviously, the size of your scrotum can determine the success rate of sexual encounters. I weep for humanity. The tears come streaming down my face."

"Did you know that blue raspberry flavor comes from the whitebark raspberry, which is closer to black in color? Fascinating. Absolutely riveting."

"I saw a girl I went to high school with. She ran in the opposite direction."

"I have an intense sexual attraction to Perrie Edwards' voice. I'd let her peg me if it meant a private concert."