#;inside

There's a lot of me that I've tucked away and lately I've been trying to show that. Before I used to be more open and enthusiastic about showing my emotions. Showing what I can do. The different sides of me. But after being hurt countless times in multiple ways I started to retreat into myself. I blamed myself, honestly. I blamed my actions. That maybe I was too nice or too giving. That my financial lifestyle was attracting the wrong people and it was my fault for "flaunting." My biggest and worst flaw was allowing my self-esteem to drop. Plummet even because of the pain I had felt. It was as if I just rolled myself into a ball. That's why I started living by the phrase nevertheless. Because often times I wanted to give up. I wanted to run away from it all, end it all. I couldn't grasp how the pain had transpired, where it began and why it hadn't ended. It just felt as though I was in constant pain. I wasn't happy. Life was a burden. So lately I've been working on shedding that pain and opening up. I haven't allowed myself to really fall deeply in love. I haven't trusted anyone new that I've met. I haven't even lived the lifestyle that I used to live. I've isolated myself for a long time that now getting back to being social I feel very awkward at times. It's been slowly killing me. So this revival is important. It's important to my life force. I just hope that I don't give up and I can find people that will stay with me through this process. I'm worth it.

I've been told to keep track of my feelings through this transitioning time. I've dropped blue night officially, released my album and cleared my schedule as much as possible. I've not been a healthy person. My life full of sleepless nights, skipping meals, locking myself away for long periods of time. I now realize I used my work schedule as an excuse to distance myself from people. As an excuse to not face the inner demons I have. My commitment issues. My anti-social behavior. It's been haunting me forever. I'm trying to be happy. Taking the necessary therapeutic steps it takes to become that man that everyone thinks I am. Sleep therapy, consistent eating habits, a healthier lifestyle. I'm not perfect. I'll never be. But at the very least I hope that I can be happy.

BROKEN A BONE | GOTTEN STITCHES | HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE | KILLED SOMEONE | TRIED AND FAILED TO KILL SOMEONE | INVENTED SOMETHING | BEEN HUNG OVER | KISSED SOMEONE | SLOW-DANCED | BEEN IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP | HAD SEX | HAD SEX AND REGRETTED IT | HAD A ONE-NIGHT STAND | HAD A THREESOME | EXPERIMENTED WITH THEIR SEXUALITY | HAD A KID | GOTTEN MARRIED | SELF-HARMED | TRAVELED TO ANOTHER COUNTRY | BEEN IN A PLAY | RECEIVED AN INHERITANCE | BEEN IN A CAR WRECK | LOST A LOVED ONE | BEEN DUMPED | DUMPED SOMEONE | SMOKED | GOTTEN HIGH | BEEN SLIPPED SOMETHING IN THEIR FOOD/DRINK | WON A CONTEST | WON AN ELECTION | JOINED A SPORTS TEAM | GONE SKYDIVING | GONE HUNTING | BEEN IN A BAND | HAD A JOB | BEEN FIRED | BEEN IN A WEDDING PARTY | OWNED A PET | SEEN A GHOST | SKIPPED CLASS/WORK | LEARNED AN INSTRUMENT | GOTTEN A NOTICEABLE SCAR | SUED SOMEONE | BEEN ROBBED | BEEN MUGGED | BEEN KIDNAPPED | BEEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTED | BEEN BRAINWASHED/HYPNOTIZED | GONE MORE THAN ONE DAY WITHOUT EATING | HAD A RECURRING NIGHTMARE | BEEN BULLIED | BULLIED SOMEONE | SEEN SOMEONE DIE | ATTEMPTED SUICIDE | BEEN TIED/CHAINED UP | SHOT SOMEONE | STABBED SOMEONE | SAVED SOMEONE’S LIFE | CHEATED ON SOMEONE | BEEN CHEATED ON | HAD BEEN A STALKER | BEEN BETRAYED | WAS A TRAITOR | BEEN IN A FIGHT | BEEN ARRESTED | BEEN TO A FUNERAL | HAD SURGERY | BROKEN SOMEONE’S TRUST | GOTTEN A PIERCING | GOTTEN A TATTOO | USED A FAKE NAME | BEEN TORTURED / TORTURED OTHERS | BEEN ABUSED | BEEN BLACKMAILED | HAD AN ATTEMPT ON THEIR LIFE | GOTTEN AWAY WITH A CRIME | GONE ON A ROAD TRIP | BEEN IN LOVE

Vinn: the Shambali

Vinn: *guzzling six espresso shots straight* what?