#!sessions.

hah, what a question. life was…well, it was okay. dad was a drag, gambled away all our money. can you believe that? and check this…can’t get any worse than that, right? nope! it does, it certainly does! he up and leaves, gone like a ghost in the night. a whisper in the wind. no note, nothing. 

mom cried for days. cried everytime those fuckin’...repo men came and took our furniture. then the house. she cried a lot when we lost the house. …um. a-anyway, yeah so. no house. homeless. we bounced around on a couple of my mom’s friends couches, but we never stayed more than once. awkward, you know? a single mom and her  child, crammed together on a two seater couch snoozing away with nothing to their names but the clothes on their back. and it sucked, point blank. but it could have been worse. i could have been with my deadbeat dad. or i could have been gambled away. or it could have been just me. but i had my mom. and i knew she wasn’t leaving me. so at least there was that, right?

wrong! because it has to get worse before it gets better, that’s what they say, right? newsflash-- it doesn’t. never gets better.

mom would leave randomly. hours at a time. and she’d always tell me–stay right here, i’ll be back. she’d leave me with some food, and this dumb elephant blanket we grabbed off the streets. and i would sit there, waiting. she’d always come back, until one day, she didn’t.

…i just waited. hours, days, weeks. i’d get a couple of scraps from random people, shop owners that recognized us over time. the old ladies would pity me, bring leftovers and leave it by the dumpster i’d hide behind. sometimes there would be blankets, clothes. i kept believing she would come back. 

                “you still do.”

…                 “and what happened next, younghoon?” told you, i just waited. i didn’t know how long it had been– just that it had been the longest wait of my life. and then one night, i get fuckin’ mauled by a rabid fucking dog. got me right in the eye– it’s why i’ve gotta look like a pirate half the damn time. and it chases me away from that shady dumpster, right into eunshik. didn’t know him, didn’t care, i just pushed past and kept running. save my own skin– wandered around the back alleys pressing my shirt to my eye. blood everywhere. it was a fuckin’ mess. sun starts rising, and i head back to the dumpster. i had to. what if mom came back. that’s what i was hoping. she’d be there and she’d fix me up and it’d be okay again.

mom wasn’t there. eunshik was. told me he’d clean me up– had bandages ready. he…fuckin’ scared the shit out of me. he was big, tall– and i didn’t like his eyes. they freaked me out. still do. never made eye contact with that man, ever. he wanted me to come back with him, how it wasn’t safe. that my eye needed attention. i just wanted him to leave, but he grabbed my shoulder and steered me away. what was i supposed to do? fight back? so i went with him. 

he had some doctor fix me up. i got to take a bath. i got a new set of clothes. i got to sleep in a bed. it was a nice change from the concrete, but i wanted back out. i was antsy, i almost slipped out behind his back– but he told me it wasn’t right, that his conscience wouldn’t let him let me leave. i was small, scrawny– that i wouldn’t survive out there. fuck his conscience, i wanted out. but then he told me he’d find my mom. that it wouldn’t be forever.

he didn’t give me a choice. didn’t listen. so i stayed– and he showed me the ropes. the family business, whatever you wanna call it. showed me how to protect myself, showed me how to live life with my right eye the way it was. and it fucking sucked. i hated it. man was three times my size and he was throwing me around like we were on even ground. it’d toughen me up, but it only made me mad. he beat the shit outta me. i would have rather tussled with the rat infested streets than have done this. but i couldn’t. no fucking choice. old fuck liked to do that. give you options but he would choose for you. 

                    “but he wasn’t always bad, isn’t that right?” no. he was always bad.

                    “always?”

yeah. always. pft, what? he was supposed to be good because he picked me up off the streets? because he took out some feral mutt that was trying to make me dinner? he also beat the fuck out of a fucking kid because it was supposed to make him stronger. and yeah, i’m stronger than i was then. sure, i can protect myself now, just like he wanted. but he– only did what he wanted! never what i wanted. always his choice. never mine, i never got to have a choice!

                    “...”

…sorry. m’not angry at you, doc. but he…yeah. i learned some things. he had…good intentions, i guess, what the fuck ever. but no matter what good he wanted to do, he never did it right. not the way you’re supposed to. and he went and died and he didn’t even try to find my mo--fuck. fuck him. can we not talk about him anymore? he’s dead anyway. water under the bridge.

                    “were you upset?”

huh?

                    “when he died. did you mourn?”

...mourn? mourn? fuck no! he was stupid. he should have just let me go– i would have been fine. he lost his own damn life because he was stupid. he would have lived, and then he could have picked up some other kid and make a monster out of him too!

                    “but you would have died.”

maybe i wanted to, ever think about that? look, doc. i don’t think you’re getting it. this whole life of mine– since eunshik picked me up, it’s never been what i wanted. he made me apart of the family business because he thought it’d be good for me. good? what good has it done? i’m fucked in the head. and everyone knows it. the aunties and uncles in the clan…they know i’m a fuckin’ lost cause. they have me pushin’ pencils to keep me busy. think i’m some dumb kid who’s lost his way because his old man passed away. that he’s got no one now. a sympathy charge, a charity case! and i’m supposed to be happy about that?

                        “you could have fixed it, though. couldn’t you? eunshik’s not all to blame, you know that.”

…