Losing the only bond I have that's ever made me secure
I've already written about what has happened before here. My issue right now is dealing with anticipatory grief but it feels even worse because I have no one else in my life who has ever made me feel secure. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and if you have ever had any kind of relationship with one you know there is no genuine empathy or understanding from them. I am currently trying to find my own place, but this isn't the topic I want to talk about.
Throughout my life so far, in big part due to the kind of emotional abuse from my nmom from a young age, I've struggled with depression and anxiety. I've never had any close friends. Ive always felt different, hard to relax around ppl and live in the moment. Hard to trust others. If I do try to open up, I end up feeling like I overshared too much. No one knows I live with a narcissist. My cat, is the one who changed that when she came into my life 14 years ago. She became the secure base I never had from my mom. In my childhood, my parents constantly argued, but due to cultural stigma, divorce was frowned upon. Now they live separately. My dad is the normal parent, and I can tell he does care, but it's distant. He doesn't understand the pain of losing a pet though.
I had to explain some context before going to the next part. I've had a lot of complicated feelings bc even among those who are in the same boat (anticipatory grief), even when I search for posts that talk about it, I haven't found anything that also talks about how losing the pet is also like losing the only authentic and warm and comforting relationship you have had. I've had my cat for 14 years now. This year might be the last, and I'm terrified. She was diagnosed with ckd 3 yrs ago, and while she seemed outwardly normal at the time, now I can see physical manifestations of her disease and it is gut wrenching. She went from 8.7 to 7.1 pounds. She has muscular atrophy in her hind legs. I can see the faint outlines of her femur and base of spine. When I took her to the vet the other day for a check up, they also have her subq fluids for the first time. They told me she tolerated it well. But during the whole visit, as I sat there listening to them do their exam, my stomach was in the pits. My mind felt like it was slowing down. I had to remind myself to breathe. When I first discovered she was diagnosed with ckd, I went through a similar period of intense anticipatory grief, but outwardly at the time, she looked so normal and healthy that it wasn't hard to convince myself that she was going to be okay if I just have her on a renal diet and encourage more fluids. But fast forward to now, I'm facing the physical manifestation of her aging and chronic condition, and it feels like the knife that was plunged into my heart when I first found out about her condition 3 yrs ago has started to twist again.
She has noticeably started eating less, but still takes bites here and there. I give her both dry and wet. She still actively goes to the box, and is very vocal when I'm not in my bedroom with her. But I feel like my heart is tearing. I've had her since she was 2 months old. No other pets. When I first got her, the first thing I noticed that started changing me internally is how she would wait for me by the door for when I come home from school. A regret I have is that I never took enough photos and videos of her when she was a kitten/younger. I only have three, and one that is of her playing with her new feather toy. The other two are of her sleeping curled up in my lap.
She was always there. Through 3 different moves, and 3 job changes, and some other changes in my life, she was always the rock that told me 'as bad/scary as things are right now, I still have my cat, my secure base, who loves me for me and will never judge me or count me as a failure'.
But now that is going away. And I am devastated, even though she is still alive right now. I know, ppl will tell me to enjoy what time we have left together, but anticipatory grief and my anxiety makes it feel impossible, especially now that my eyes can see that she has lost weight and things have reached a point where its progressing, despite the diet change.
I feel extra fearful, and sad, bc unlike others who likely still have family, or a partner, or friends who are by their side to comfort them, it feels like I have no one in my personal life who knows me and accepts me. My nmom has done irreparable damage to my self worth and mental health, and she simply is incapable of ever seeing or understanding anyone else's pain. She has tried to make me feel like a bad pet parent in the past for not letting my cat wander outside. I think some of it is due to envy, bc while my cat likes her too, she very obviously picked me as her 'person'. But none of it matters now.
At work, I have to be away from her for 7.5 hrs 5 times a day. I have to smile and pretend that I'm okay. All I want is to be around my cat, and watch her eat more. I know there are support groups out there, but it feels hard and awkward bc my issue isn't just about losing my cat, it's about losing the one secure base I ever had. I feel like that makes everything more complicated and hard to understand. I hope this doesn't come across as snobby or anything like that... I'm just trying to describe everything that I feel that's hurting me.
Thank you for reading/listening. Writing this all out kind of helped a tiny bit. I used to write a lot in my childhood, but stopped bc I lost motivation. I hope whoever reads this has a better day than I do.
