carpe diem

You really wanted to share it with Keith and Chloe but you knew the rules, until you were safe and away from the city, away from the agency’s grasp, sharing anything with them would only put them in danger as well as make them accomplice to what you were planning. If this was going to work, no one could know about it except for the two of you.

“Tell me again.”

Bucky’s chuckle vibrated in his chest, a deep rumble that you were sure you would never get tired of as you played with the dog tags hanging from the chain around his neck. His arms wrapped tighter around you while you rested your back against his chest, your whole attention on the phone screen with the pictures of your new home.

Somewhere you could finally belong.

You only had to wait for two more days, and then you would wake up there.

“Okay, so this room—” he swiped on the screen, “Upstairs, it’s the bedroom.”

“I love this, there’s just so much light! But we will need those curtains that block out the sunlight, and some bulletproof glass.” you touched the screen as he raised his brows. “And we would put the bed here.”

“Really? I thought we’d put it over there.”

“Yeah but if we put it where I say, it’d be easier to escape in case of a danger.”

“Sweetheart…”

“What about this room?” you asked, changing the picture and he took a deep breath.

“It’s the second room upstairs so I thought in the future we could use it as, you know—”

“Armory.”

“Nursery.” You both spoke at the same time and you looked up at him before scrunching up your nose.

“Sorry. Habit.”

He smiled before leaning in to brush his lips against yours, making you heave a sigh.

“There won’t be any emergency,” he murmured patiently, “Or anything that’ll require an armory in the house. It’s not some— some undercover mission or pretense, you know that right?”

“I do! I do know that, I just…” you paused for a moment, leaning your head back to his chest. “I haven’t had that in a long time.”

“Had what?”

“Normalcy,” you said, “Like actual normalcy, since I was a teenager. I don’t know how to not be a spy. I don’t know how civilians work.”

He dragged his fingertips over your arm, resting his chin on top of your head. “I know the feeling.”

“But you’re better at this than me,” you insisted, “Bucky, what if I screw up being a civilian?”

“Okay, how about we go over what’s acceptable to civilians and what’s not?” he offered and you turned around in his arms so that you could look at him better.

“That’s actually a good idea.”

He nodded and put the phone beside him as you pulled your knees up to your chest, your whole attention focused on him.

“Civilians have no armory,” you pointed out and he grinned.

“See? You’re doing great already darling.”

“How about knives?” you asked, “Civilians have knives, I saw commercials on TV.”

“For kitchen yes,” he said helpfully “For cutting and maiming people, no.”

“Emergency bag?”

“Yes!” he snapped his fingers, “Civilians have emergency bags—“

“No, like…spy kind of emergency bag, in case your cover is blown.”

“You’re not going to be under any cover so no.”

“Axes.”

“Nope.”

“Photonic disruptor!”

“I don’t know what that is and no.”

“Keylogger.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s to crack passwords.”

“Not really. Contrary to popular belief, civilians don’t really have to crack passwords.”

“Noted,” you murmured, “How about disguises? Like costumes?”

“I don’t think civilians do that.”

“What if we used them for sex as civilians?”

His head shot up, “….I’m listening.”

“I have so many costumes and we can use like at least half of them for sex.”

“Can we—” he stopped himself and cleared his throat, trying to play it cool but you had already heard the clear excitement in his voice, “Um, the idea just came to me, but can we maybe….”

You grinned. “Spill it out, soldier.”

“Do you still have your,” he motioned at you, “Spy thing?”

“My spy thing? What does that mean?”

He wetted his lips, hesitance written all over his face and you had to stop yourself from laughing.

“Come on, you can tell me.”

“You look great in your spy gear you know, as Shrike. So I was hoping we could use it—only if you’re okay with it though!” he added hastily “Or we can just burn it if you don’t—“

“You want me to roleplay as myself?” you asked, a small smile warming your face, “You’re too cute, you know that?”

He shot you a look and pulled you to his lap, the sheets pooling around your bodies. You squealed, letting out a laugh.

“Two days and we’ll wake up there,” Bucky murmured, brushing his lips against yours, “Any regrets yet, darling?”

Your smile widened and you shook your head before wrapping your arms around his neck.

“No,” you said, stealing a kiss from him. “Never.”

**

The fact that you were leaving tomorrow night meant this would be the last time you would be seeing Keith and Chloe for a long time, if ever. You really wanted to tell them, but the spy in you kept saying that it was a terrible idea.

You couldn’t put them in danger.

Just in case.

“So you have 4 days until you leave for Australia?” Chloe asked and you pressed your lips together after sipping your coffee.

“Um…yeah.”

“Handler.” Keith muttered, shaking his head slightly, “Wow. I still can’t believe it.”

“Neither can I.”

“Aren’t you going to miss being a field agent?”

You looked down at your coffee cup, then shook your head.

“Nope. I really won’t.”

“I want to be on your team on the next mission!” Keith said and looked at Chloe, “Can we make that happen?”

“I think so,” Chloe said, “I mean I’d have to ask my father but…”

“I’ll be a better team member than Julian, that’s for sure.”

You frowned, looking around the office, “Speaking on, where is that asshole?”

“Dad is sending him on a new mission tonight. Amsterdam.”

“Lucky bastard,” Keith mumbled and Chloe clapped her hands together.

“Forget about Julian, we need one last night before Y/N leaves for Australia! I mean, who knows how long this mission will last!”

Your stomach flipped but you tried to control your expression.

“Yeah,” you murmured, “Yeah we should.”

The trick was not to raise any suspicions, and making plans was one of the best ways to do so.

“Not tomorrow, but we can do it the next day?” Keith asked and you raised your brows, looking between them when Chloe bit down a smile.

“Why? What’s tomorrow?”

“We’re uh…” Chloe cleared her throat, “We’re just going to see a movie, and then grab dinner.”

You opened your mouth to ask why they hadn’t invited you out of habit before it dawned on you.

A date.

They were going on a date.

Well, at least you wouldn’t be wondering whether they would get together while you were gone.

“Oh,” you tilted your head, smirking. “It was about time.”

Keith kicked at the foot of your chair, “Yeah so, you’re not allowed to call us tomorrow unless it’s an emergency okay?”

“I won’t,” you said, a bitter taste appearing in your mouth, “I promise.”

“But yeah, the next day! I say we get blackout drunk and watch a movie. James Bond?”

“No!” Chloe said, “It’s Y/N’s turn to pick the movie, so probably we’ll watch something gory and horrifying.”

“I want lots of blood, pick something with lots of blood.” Keith said and you tried to ignore how you were making plans for something that would never happen.

You were going to be in your new home with Bucky that night.

“Sure thing. There’s this new monster movie, I heard it’s so scary and has lots of blood—“ you said and Chloe made a face, then her phone vibrated. She heaved a sigh.

“Y/N, you’re around today, right? I have this meeting, but…” she trailed off and you pulled her into a hug, taking her completely by surprise. She paused for a moment before hugging back.

“I’m saving my tears for when you’re actually leaving for Australia, but I have no problems with starting right now,” she said, making you laugh and pull back.

“Nah, go to your meeting, it’s fine. I’ll see you around, okay?”

She nodded and pecked you on the cheek, then walked away from you two. Keith narrowed his eyes.

“Wow. Legendary heartless Y/N is emotional. Never thought I’d see the day.”

“I could stab you right now if you want.”

“Nope, I’m good.” He held up his hands, mocking surrender as you sat down. “So, let me hear the speech.”

You frowned, “What speech?”

“I’ll hunt you down and sell you for parts if you fuck it up speech.” Keith said. “Me and Chloe? In my defense, I took my time and thought about it, so you should keep the stabbing to minimum, okay?”

You scoffed a laugh. “I’m not going to give you any speech, idiot.”

“Oh we’re skipping to stabbing without any speech?” Keith tilted his head, “What are we, savages?”

“Keith…”

“You’re right, not enough time. But hey, workout room has weapons, we can settle accounts with each other over there—”

“Just take care of each other, will you?” you cut him off, making him blink a couple of times in confusion.

“What?” he asked and reached out to feel your forehead, “Y/N, are you okay? Are you sick?”

You batted his hand away, “I’m fine!”

“Is this a trick? You’re going to act like you’re fine with this then you’ll pull out a machete?”

You rolled your eyes at him. “No!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I just…” you trailed off, nibbling your lip, “It’s nice to know that you two will have each other while I’m gone, you know?”

“You’re not dying you idiot, you’re just going to Australia for a job.”

You paused only for a moment but that was enough to make Keith frown.

“Y/N?”

“Yeah,” you said quickly, “Yeah you’re right. I just—I don’t know, a lot of changes. New position, new country…I got a little sentimental I guess.”

His gaze on you was unwavering as if he was trying to see what you were hiding from him but you were a trained spy just like he was. There was no way he could know you were lying, you were way too good at your job to raise suspicions.

“That’s it?” he asked and you nodded.

“That’s it,” you said, “Just don’t fuck up while I’m gone, okay?”

***

Bucky had told you that he and Sam had some last minute details they needed to iron out but assured you it was nothing big, so you figured you could just spend your last night in the city at your apartment by yourself. You were way too excited for tomorrow night, and to think that in less than 48 hours, you would be away from here…

A new start. Clean slate.

You must’ve dozed off around midnight, because when your phone started vibrating on your nightstand you could’ve sworn you had just fallen asleep. You squinted your eyes at the bright screen, and heaved a sigh at the private number before touching the screen.

“What?”

“You need to run.”

Your heart dropped to your stomach as you sat up in bed, “…Julian?”

“Y/N,” he sounded almost breathless “You need to run. Please.”

“What are you talking about— why do I need to run?”

“Because the General is sending a fully armed team to your apartment right as we speak. I’m out of the country, I just heard about—have you learned nothing from Marco, Y/N? Seriously?”

You could swear your blood froze in your system.

“…He knows?”

“They’ve bugged everywhere, of course he knows.”

You tried to catch your breath, “Wait if they bugged everywhere, it means—“

“I know, I’m burning myself right now. I’ll just lay low for a while, you should do the same.”

“Why would you help me?” you managed to ask and he took a deep breath.

“I owe you one, remember?” he asked, “I almost got you killed once, the least I can do is to make up for it.”

You were supposed to be used to being in danger, but somehow it felt as if all your bones weighed a ton.

“Thank you.”

“Goodbye Y/N,” he said and the line went dead. You kicked off the covers to get on your feet and looked around, trying to catch your breath.

Okay.

You knew what to do. It was just another mission went wrong, you had to treat it like that.

You had to find enough weapons to fight your way out, find somewhere safe and make sure to regroup with your team—

Bucky.

You had to call Bucky.

You got the burner phone you kept in your apartment for emergencies to dial his number and rushed to the nightstand to grab your gun from there, pressing the phone between your shoulder and your ear. You checked the bullets as Bucky’s phone went to voicemail, making you cuss silently right before you heard the beep.

“Hey, it’s me,” you tried to keep your voice calm and grabbed your boots to put them on. “I don’t have much time, my cover is blown— I mean the General knows.” You corrected yourself. “When you get this—don’t come here.”

You walked out of your bedroom to get the spare box of bullets in the kitchen drawer.

“This is a burner and I’ll leave my phone here, I don’t want to be traced but I’ll come to find you.” you said, putting the small box of bullets into your boots. “They bugged everything, don’t carry anything electronical on you.”

You could almost feel your heartbeat pounding in your head and you swallowed thickly.

“And Bucky, I….” you took a deep breath, “I love you, okay? No matter what happens. Just remember that.”

You hung up and tossed the phone aside, then saw your knife on the coffee table and took a step to grab it so that you could get out of the apartment.

You should’ve known.

It was a rookie mistake to walk by the window, it was the very same thing Bucky had made sure not to do on your first date.

The small noise of the crack of the window reached your ears and in a second you felt a burn on your neck, your hand shooting up to take out the small tranquilizer needle before you fell on your knees.

***

Everything was fuzzy by the time you woke up and you willed yourself to keep your eyes open even if it felt extremely hard. You were tied to a chair, two handcuffs on each hand and your legs were pinned to the legs of the chair by zip ties. You groggily looked down to see multiple small red dots flashing on your chest, then gazed up at the window you were sat by.

Two armed men were by the either side of the window, their guns pointed at you and you heard footsteps approaching before the General entered your line of sight.

“Hello Y/N.”

You tried to focus even though the tranquilizer in your system lured you into numbness, you were way, way too tired—

No.

You just needed to get your hands free, and grab the nearest gun, the walls looked sturdy enough for you to make an exit while the snipers shot at you.

“Hello General,” you said, “I would’ve offered some coffee, but I’m a little tied up right now.”

“You can hardly blame me.”

“Never took you for a coward, that’s all. I thought you liked my fighting.”

He chuckled, looking down at you.

“Small thing, aren’t you?” he mused, “It’s a wonder how it takes a huge shot of tranquilizer and a whole team to take you down.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, keeping silent and he heaved a sigh, shaking his head.

“You can’t say I didn’t give you enough chances, Y/N,” he said, “I gave you too many chances to change your mind. Falling for the target? What are you, an amateur?”

You gritted your teeth, trying to turn your hands.

“I taught you better than this. I raised you better than this! I looked after you like a daughter—”

“Oh bullshit!” you spat, “I was never your daughter, I was your fucking wild card. Everyone knows that. You…what, you became my superior, then you became my pimp—” you were cut off when your head whipped to the side with the impact of his slap and you blew your hair out of your face, dragging your tongue over your split lip.

“Classy,” you commented, “You hit like a rookie.”

“After everything I’ve done for you….”

“You didn’t do shit for me that I haven’t already paid you back.”

“You’re as blind as your father, aren’t you?”

That made your head snap and you blinked a couple of times, trying to wrap your head around what you had just heard.

“What are you talking about?”

“He was the same as you,” he said, “He tried to walk away. A genius scientist wanted to drop everything and live in peace in some suburb somewhere. Runs in the family, huh?”

The realization hit you so hard that it made your head spin.

“You killed him.” You rasped out, “It wasn’t HYDRA, was it? It was you.”

He waved a hand in the air, “It’s the same thing.”

You pulled your brows together, then shook your head, “No. No way, you can’t be— we found the name of the leader—”

“Yes. You and Barnes and Captain America. It has never occurred to you I’ve been five steps ahead of you ever since you got back then? You were that blinded by your pathetic love for Barnes?”

You swallowed thickly, swallowing the bile climbing up to your throat.

“You found whatever name I wanted you to find. I mean, I should thank you. You did exactly what you were supposed to do.”

“All those targets I killed—”

“Small price to pay to stay hidden.”

Your throat tightened up and a fire burned at the back of your eyes but you gritted your teeth, glaring up at him.

“Sam is very smart,” you managed to say, “He’ll figure it out.”

“Nah, I think he’ll be too busy trying to save his best friend.”

Fury spread through you, getting rid of every trace of the sedative in your system, “If you did something to him I swear to God—”

“Someone has to take the blame for your death, Y/N. Two birds with one stone, you get that.”

Your heart dropped to your stomach as you tried to catch your breath, “You…you can’t—”

“It’s better than saying you went missing. It’ll work better for us and honestly, you have no one else to blame but yourself.” He leaned in to look at you better as you tugged at the handcuffs, “Come on now. You’re an assassin and…what? You thought you’d get to have a happily ever after? Have a family somewhere? White picket fence house, children and all that?” he let out a laugh, “You’re a killer, Y/N. Nothing more.”

You dug your fingernails into your palms.

“Maybe,” you rasped out, “But at least someone will miss me when I’m dead. Can you say the same thing for yourself?”

A shadow crossed his face and he clenched his jaw before taking a step back.

“Don’t take this personal,” he said, pulling out his gun, “It’s medieval, really. We gotta burn the witch so that people won’t follow bad examples. Actions have consequences, I warned you before.”

He pointed the gun at you, and you stared up at the barrel of the gun before you shut your eyes as he cocked the gun.

“Goodnight Shrike.”