obikin enthusiast

Do Not Forsake Me (Oh, My Darling)

Anakin is with Padmé. Anakin is happy with Padmé and Obi-Wan ought to be happy for him.

He should congratulate them on their now official engagement. That thought only reminds him that they already had been engaged, married, even, no matter how null and void that ceremony was in the eye of the law. It's the thought behind it that counts. The very thought of it makes bile rise in his throat.

They're standing together and he can't remember the last time he saw Anakin smile so brightly, and doesn't that just twist the knife even further.

It reminds him that he probably should school his own expression into something similar, something that conveys how glad he is that Anakin is happy. Because he is. He really and truly is.

Maybe if he says it enough times it'll become true.

The Force around his former Padawan feels all warm and fuzzy; any other time, under any other circumstances, Obi-Wan would bask in the glow of it.

Now though, he almost physically recoils, and all it does is make his frown deepen.

It's selfish, and horrible, and not at all how someone who cares about Anakin should behave. He is acting simply despicably. Anakin saved the Republic, the Jedi, for Force's sake, he saved the entire galaxy. He deserves to be happy.

With his Fiancé. His soon to be wife. Not with the Jedi. Not with his old Master.

Obi-Wan's stomach churns and he thinks he might throw up.

The crowd of people congratulating the happy couple (at that thought Obi-Wan thinks he really is going to throw up) moves forward, carrying Obi-Wan with it until he's standing right in front of Anakin.

He hardly recognises his former Padawan. Anakin is dressed in the latest fashion, his clothes probably worth a small fortune. His hair is shorter and combed back and Obi-Wan mourns the curls he always yearned to run his fingers through.

The worst parts though are the glove covering his mechanical hand and what Obi-Wan assumes is makeup or synth-skin covering the scar along his face.

His eyes stay on Anakin's and his boy's smile grows impossibly wider, as if he's truly happy to see Obi-Wan. If only he knew how vile Obi-Wan's thoughts have turned.

"Master! You came!" Anakin exclaims excitedly. The title is like a slap in the face, a mockery of what he ought to be and a reminder of what he's lost.

Obi-Wan doesn't deserve it, not when he's horrible and selfish and so terribly jealous and-

Oh.

He hadn't realised it was jealousy. Well, maybe he had known, deep down, But before now he never called it what it was.

Force, he needs to get away from all of this, he needs to meditate and stay far far away from Anakin and his new, better life. Better than anything Obi-Wan could ever offer him.

At his silence Anakin's brows furrow and he exchanges a concerned look with Padmé. "Master, are you alright? You look a bit pale, do you feel sick? Would you like to sit down? Or maybe get something to drink? I'll-"

"I need to leave," Obi-Wan blurts out. Not waiting for a reaction he turns quickly and darts towards the door, ignoring the looks and whispers of the crowd around him. It doesn't matter what they think of him. All that's important is that he won't ruin this for Anakin.

Still, the shame of it all makes his cheeks flush in a decidedly un-Jedi like manner. He's resorted to running away because he's too selfish and egotistical to stand seeing his own Padawan's happiness.

Not my Padawan anymore, Obi-Wan reminds himself, not mine at all, never mine.

Distantly, he hears both Anakin and Padmé call after him, but it only serves to make him run faster.

Anakin stares after his Master's retreating form, stunned. He's not sure what just happened, but he's sure something is wrong.

He can't remember ever seeing Obi-Wan's perfect Negotiator mask slip like this; he knew his Master would be uncomfortable here, surrounded by politicians and the high society of Coruscant, but Padmé had insisted they needed to invite everyone (even if Anakin didn't know half of the people in attendance and liked even less of them) and since Anakin had refused to do this without Obi-Wan, well...

Apparently though, it had been too much for his Master. Obi-Wan had been distant ever since Anakin left the Order, so him showing up at all was already a small miracle. Anakin couldn't really begrudge him wanting to leave - he felt much the same - but he was still a bit upset Obi-Wan would just leave him here alone like this.

Maybe he really is sick. Otherwise, Obi-Wan would never just abandon him.

Either way, it's obvious to Anakin that he needs to go after his clearly upset former Master. He can't just stand there while Obi-Wan literally ran out which by his Master's standards was as good as him causing a scene.

Padmé has her arms intertwined with his, and when he starts pulling away she gives him a strange look.

She turns them slightly away from the crowd and whispers, her voice unusually sharp. "Ani, what are you doing?"

What does she mean what is he doing? Isn't it obvious? Obi-Wan is either upset or sick - Anakin clearly has to go after him.

"I need to check on Obi-Wan. Something's wrong."

He removes her arms from his, simultaneously reaching out in the Force in hopes of locating his Master. His shields had been raised high and impenetrable as ever, but their bond was strong enough that Anakin should be able to at least feel his presence.

"You can't just leave. This is our engagement party, you can't just abandon me and your guests," she hisses. Anakin is starting to get irritated now. Padmé is usually so understanding, he doesn't get why she can't see how alarming this behaviour is for his Master.

"They're you're guests," he retorts with a frown, a bit louder than he had intended. Conversation around them dies down, people he doesn't know turning to stare at them.

Anger flashes across Padmé's face, but it's gone in a second, hidden behind a perfect mask of a politician. He hates it when she does that; it reminds him so much of how Obi-Wan shuts him out.

She doesn't say anything though, likely not wanting to cause a scene. Anakin almost laughs. He doesn't kriffing care if a bunch of stuck up snobs think him rude or gossip about him. Obi-Wan is unwell. Padmé can deal with a few stares.

She raises a brow at him, waiting for him to act. He only scoffs and turns to leave, not bothering to look back. He can fix things with Padmé later. Right now, his Master needs him more than she does.

Obi-Wan doesn't make it very far. He stands outside on the apartment's private landing platform and looks towards the temple, towards their- his home. Because Anakin doesn't live at the temple anymore. He's left all that behind, traded it in for expensive furniture and fancy new clothes.

There are tears blurring his vision. It's shameful, this whole display. He doesn't know why today of all days had to be his breaking point, but here he is. Holding back tears in front of Anakin's new home.

He regrets not coming here with his own speeder. Now he has to call a cab and then awkwardly wait here. And that after he made such a scene with storming out in the middle of the celebration.

Force, what is wrong with him? Couldn't he just have stuck it out for a bit longer to then make his escape unnoticed and without losing his dignity?

His only hope is that they all think he's simply not feeling well. Which wouldn't even be a lie - Obi-Wan does still feel very much like throwing up.

He really should get moving. Maybe he'll ask for a mission that takes him far away from Coruscant, somewhere he won't be reminded of Anakin all the time, where he won't feel the faint glow of him in the Force.

Obi-Wan sighs and reaches for his comm. It really is high time he severed their bond. During the war he had hidden behind the pretext of it being an asset for combat, but now there really was no more excuse for keeping it.

He'll mourn the loss of it, he knows. Obi-Wan wonders if his mind will feel empty without Anakin's all encompassing presence entwined with him. Really, he can't even remember what it felt like without having Anakin there. Distantly he's aware it wasn't nearly this intense with Master Qui-Gon.

Behind him, there's the sound of the door opening and slamming shut, followed by hurried footsteps. Obi-Wan freezes, grip on his comm tightening. He knows who that is; even without the Force, he'd recognise Anakin from his footfall alone.

"Obi-Wan!"

There's no way to get out of this. He hasn't even called a cab yet, and the only other way off the landing platform would bring him right back into the party he's just escaped.

Left with no other option, Obi-Wan takes a deep breath, reminds himself that he is a Jedi Master, and turns to face Anakin.

"Master, are you alright? What's wrong?"

Anakin looks him over as if he's searching for injuries. The concern his Padawan shows him makes Obi-Wan feel even worse about how he'd acted.

"I'm alright Anakin, just…," he trails off, looking for an adequate excuse. "The food, I believe it didn't quite agree with me."

It's not an outright lie - he is feeling nauseous and the food really didn't seem too good to him. Mostly because of the already present nausea caused solely by the situation but that's just semantics Anakin doesn't need to know.

Anakin nods, his worried frown deepening.

"Let me take you home."

"I assure you, that won't be necessary."

You're needed here, much more than I need you, he thinks bitterly, bur doesn't dare say. Obi-Wan isn't even sure it's the truth - he does need Anakin. Without him by Obi-Wan's side, half his soul, half his heart is missing.

Anakin looks like he's going to argue, teeth clenched and ready to fight Obi-Wan on this. Then, to Obi-Wan's pride and surprise, his boy closes his eyes and takes a few slow, measured breaths.

When he looks at Obi-Wan again, there's new determination in his gaze.

"Please, Master," he says softly, and Obi-Wan curses his boy for knowing him so well. How could he ever refuse, if Anakin asks him like this?

Still, he is reluctant. He doesn't want to make this worse, and despite everything, he's never wished to cause Padmé unnecessary grief. And taking Anakin away now, if only for a little while, will surely do exactly that.

But it was Anakin's choice to come after him, wasn't it? Obi-Wan didn't ask him for this. No, Obi-Wan told him everything is alright even when it isn't and his heart is aching in his chest.

Would it be so wrong then, to let Anakin take him home? Who is he to tell his former Padawan what to do?

"Alright," he sighs, even though he knows he should put up more of a fight, should remind Anakin of his duty to his fiancé.

Anakin's face lights up in a way Obi-Wan hasn't seen in a long time, and suddenly his lingering guilt becomes worth it.

He had forgotten what it feels like, to have Anakin's undivided attention. He mourns it already, since this will likely be the last time Obi-Wan will have it.

They walk over to Anakin's speeder, a shiny new thing that must've cost a fortune. He remembers when Anakin used to tell him all about the speeder models he thought were the most wizard, which ones he'd buy himself one day. Or win in a pod race. The thought makes Obi-Wan smile slightly. It also makes it painfully obvious that this thing looks nothing like the vehicles Anakin used to dream of.

Obi-Wan gets into the passenger seat, and for a moment, it feels just like it was before, when it was only the two of them.

"Shouldn't you let Padmé know?" Obi-Wan asks when Anakin gets in beside him, breaking his own heart. It's like rubbing salt into a wound, but Obi-Wan needs this to remind himself to stay in the present instead of losing himself in memories.

"She'll be fine," Anakin waves him off dismissively. His brows furrow, and apparently he does think better of it, because then he adds, "Maybe I'll comm her before we leave. Let her know what's going on."

Obi-Wan only nods, unable to bring himself to verbally agree.

"I'll be right back," Anakin says, and gets out of the speeder again.

Obi-Wan watches as he raises his comm to talk into. He could use the Force to enhance his hearing and listen to what Anakin is saying. He doesn't, of course. But it's a near thing when Anakin's expression turns stormy.

Before he gets back in, Anakin closes his eyes again, presumably to do the same breathing exercise from earlier.

Once he's beside Obi-Wan again, he doesn't ask about the conversation. It's none of his business what Anakin discusses with his fiancé.

They spend most of the ride in silence. The distance to the temple isn't that great, but traffic slows them down. Additionally, Anakin is not taking the most direct route. But that must surely be because traffic there would be even worse. Nothing more, no matter what his treacherous heart would have him believe.

About halfway there, Obi-Wan decides he feels enough in control again to lower his shields, just a bit. It's mostly because it unnerves him, how carefully blank Anakin's face is. Obi-Wan needs to know his boy is not angry with him, even though he would be entirely justified in this. Perhaps he even blames Obi-Wan for his fight with Padmé.

He reaches out tentatively, no longer used to feeling Anakin's presence so close by.

The warmth of Anakin's Force signature wraps around him immediately, embracing Obi-Wan and breathing new life into their neglected bond.

Obi-Wan sighs at the feeling, going boneless in his seat. It feels so good, to have Anakin like this again. He'd been depriving himself so long, he started to forget what he was missing.

It takes a lot of strength to open his eyes again - he hadn't even realised they'd slipped shut, with his mind all warm and fuzzy, calm and serene because Anakin is with him, his boy is finally where he belongs again, his signature, his soul entwined with Obi-Wan's own.

Anakin's grip on the steering wheel has gone white knuckled; he's breathing hard, panting almost, and his cheeks and ears are flushed a deep crimson.

It's satisfying, to know Anakin wants their connection as much as Obi-Wan does. They still don't talk, but the air between them has changed into something charged, waiting to be released.

It's almost enough to make Obi-Wan forget himself entirely. Almost, because when the temple comes into view, and Anakin lands the speeder on Obi-Wan's private landing platform, he comes back to his senses.

He hastily rebuilds his shields that, in his daze, he'd dropped much further than intended. He chooses not to think about just how much he'd just revealed to Anakin.

His former Padawan gives him a betrayed look when he interrupts their connection. He goes to say something, but Obi-Wan is faster.

"Thank you for taking me home, dear," he rushes out while unbuckling his seat belt, unable to stop the endearment from slipping out. "I'll go lay down now, I think. And have some tea, yes, that's good for an upset stomach," he rambles, already halfway out the speeder.

"Give Padmé my regards, will you? And my apologies, for departing so abruptly."

With that, he slams the door shut. If Anakin says anything in response, Obi-Wan doesn't hear it - he hurries to the entrance to his apartment and hurriedly puts in the code.