SWIMFAYE

Since the beginning of the year, I have taken notes on the people I see tilted, or walking with a limp, the number of bandages I see people wrapped up in. The fact that I myself had an ankle wrap or bandage of some sort made me keenly aware of people working in diminished capacity.

Mind you it's not by choice but necessity because of the continued unrelenting barage of attacks on our mental and physical health by this regime.

From full on leg braces to haphazard dirty athletic taping of ligaments people are working hurt. They are trying to get the job done but even I admit it's not the work it's the amount of people. When you are surrounded by 8 Million people and restaurants, gas station, grocery stores are closing at a record rate coupled with 100k people laid off the reminder business are crowded and pricey not to pay for medical insurance just to keep the doors open.

Ten years ago a glass of wine and an appetizer might have cost me $40 tonight it was $60 but even #Happyhour pricing is $20 for one martini.

I stared at bottle after bottle of mixers ginger syrup, pineapple juice, rose water and thought of dozens of concoctions while I nibble on spicy olives.. I kept thinking about the fact how many of us are working hurt just to live.

After working hurt we're paying with our credit cards to cover the expense of food, transit, and the OTC medication that propelles the sometimes faceless workers providing services to the 8 million people crammed into the respective Bay Area.

I think about the next steps desperately trying to pay down the credit card balance to get ahold of stability and try to stay with my head above water.

Over the years I have disconnected with a person who I'm not interested in.

They troll me like it's a hobby for them.

Regardless of platform or outlet there they are.

I'm not seeking them.

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What skills do you actually use when you volunteer and how does that help you find a job?

The fact that I admit to being a volunteer is just one step. Employers do want people to have some empathy. The ability to volunteer is great and it's an example of your own time management as skills.

Next, did I get a job via my volunteer activity. No, I'm not going to lie but, I did meet a horse wrangler, a Board member, an production team and I asked how they got their job and what the hiring process was like and when do they hire in conversation. Now, did I experience that " Are you looking for a job" ghosting? Not exactly, but I know it does happen. One thing is I know I made a connection to a person that might help me get a job later.

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I'm celebrating my birthday and I find constant reminders that I made a better choice than others. While my parents certainly didn't impose a point of view they did instill a sense of self awareness. A keen ability to recognize the opportunity and the misstep that life can have.

All of 2025 I can honestly state that I stalked the housing market in San Francisco Bay Area. I spent hours trolling property management companies from San Francisco to Sacramento. I drove to Concord and Vallejo in desperate stretch to find the housing that met my pitiful budget.

I looked at garages that had been converted into three 100 square feet rooms and homes modified walls to separate the master bedroom suites from the rest of the house. I looked at SRO that was a hotel in the 70s.

I had exhausted myself trying to negotiate the deposit while figuring out the transit cost "savings" and who I could convince to help me move.

In 2026, I'm not eager to spend $6000 on transit because that doesn't include when I use Lyft or take a special trip to the coast.

Ive resign to sign up for housing lotteries and to seek out boarding houses. As I get to an elderly age I'm desperate to find housing in my " age " group. I hope I can find space for me.

While we all are mentally being assaulted by the government regime attacks. We still have to show up at work. It's at work that some stress is just amplify the mental anguish. Not because of deadlines or size of projects. No, the anguish comes from listening... Your coworker stressful event with a child, parent or partner. The martyr mentality and no self preservation to take a look or step back and look objectively. Instead, the purported well adjusted male that has done therapy is not behaving like someone that has been in therapy.

You are just trying to get better, through the day, payday is coming and you are trying to grow. It's the workplace that you start to think..oh this sheit is holding me back.. this behavior by someone just in my sphere is affecting me negatively.

This is the reason I can't sleep. But is that really fare or fair? The cost of working has an price.

It's like I'm tempted: Getting a headache isn't a job benefit or being stressed out is not covered by the company health plan.

What is worse is the self sabotage of the habit to get overwhelmed by trying to do everything.

Honestly, that is what we are asking now. We don't want to hear you are fine. No, now you need to share what methodology you are using not to have a mental breakdown in public or go completely apesheit at work.

Me? I spend my commute on public transit with a system of crutches that helps me not think of the fascist regime that is ducking everything up.

On Tuesday I am power through my Duolingo exercises, Wednesday is journaling everything to get it out of my head, on Thursday I read a book for as long as I can stand it. Friday I color in a coloring book.

The regime is going 100%all in on fascism. There's no help, no relief no answers. IT is not optional.

Your very life is threatened. The government is working to kill you.

So, you're unconscious getting a heart valve work done. Your heart stops so instead of letting you pass away. The medical professional puts a paper clip sized pace maker in you and you're sent home.

A week later..

You spent the week catching up on your soap operas and reality television. You met new people and you let others help.

But a tiger can't change it's spots and you can't handle things with out drinking.

The soothing glug glug of the light filled alcohol goes into your glass. You take a reassuring swing and watch TV light.

As you decide it's time to go to bed you stumble and fall. Not very hard but you spill your wine.

A week after someone saves your life you purposely try to end it with the same poison that put you in the hospital.

My motivation for running away.

It's nice that the inconvenience of your death was postponed.

It's nice you get to see your grandkids one more holiday. Let's make no mistake I'm not going to stick around to see this through.

Aside from the insurance money grab and some other things I witness.. mes not impressed...

Wish I was, wish I could put a salve over this but here's the thing... I know how this story ends.. a hip or knee or something.. it doesn't change the fact you are an alcoholic doesn't make the outcome different.

They say those who can't are critics ...

I have a Problem. I am thinking about it over and over. I'm thinking about it constantly. So, I take 20 minutes to write it out. This can be typed out on a document on the computer but the physical act of writing might yield more resolution because you see the words that you may misspell or not have autocorrect on.

The mathematical problem or a verbal writing of a math problem can yield a certain result too.

The time constraint is a variable but don't give it more than necessary especially if you still don't have an answer.

My frustration stems from time... Time to correct my credit.. time my landlord gives me.. time I have to save money.

Timing the application to the rental agency.

While that variable can be omitted the rest seems certain versus uncertainty.

The option is few.. the result is my moving.. the amount of money or Time can be assertain upon the time and declination versus acceptance.