go boldly

updates, on a moody august day in the hospital library because i have the great misfortune to be covering trauma call this weekend:

life lately. perusing farmers’ markets for fresh meal ingredients, Pilates twice this week, and squeezed in one run before the wind and fires came. we got lucky—as lucky as one gets, i suppose—being between two fires and with G at home with the dog and ready to leave if needed.

i ran 3 miles today. i haven’t run in three months.

i need some peace in my day, some minutes that just belong to me and not caring for my patients or G at home.

i need stability, i need sanity, i need to feel like me.

i am trying to see the beauty in my day, in the small moments when i feel like life is trying to swallow me whole:

the old ford that i’ve had since i was 18.

fresh produce grown right here at home.

busted my hand from a gnarly fall at home + sick for weeks with barely enough energy to get through the day but i have no paid sick leave so i’m half alive in the operating room.

G went to the emergency room on new year’s day with stroke symptoms. i’ve never been so scared and helpless in my life. he had to go alone because i was too sick and too exhausted to get off the couch. he did not have a stroke but he has lost control/movement of half his face. the doctors do not know why or if/when he will recover. so it has been a scramble trying to navigate the healthcare system and make a paper trail of doctor’s visits and prescriptions and get a case started so he can go on disability leave from work. we don’t know if it will be short term or if this will be our lives.

so i guess i am bargaining with the sky. i will do anything to get us out of this mess. i will do anything to get a chance to breathe. it is hard to put on your game face and say “it’ll be ok” and try to be the strong one in the storm. because i can’t let him know that i’m scared too.

he got a minuscule amount of movement back and can close his eye, but nothing beyond that. the antivirals and steroids are hitting him so hard.

Nov 2024

“some years you grow. and some years you fly. this was your year to fly,” G said.

it was a really big year. i slayed some demons and faced some fears, became an expert in my field then followed my dreams to start all over. i wasn’t afraid to walk away from people, spaces, and places that i outgrew. to know my worth and honor it.

I imagine the gods saying, We will make it up to you. We will give you three wishes, they say.

…

Let me at least fail at my life.

Think, they say patiently, we could make you famous again. Let me fall in love one last time, I beg them. Teach me mortality, frighten me into the present. Help me to find the heft of days. That the nights will be full enough and my heart feral.

-Jack Gilbert

my last few days at work. i got a letter from the organ procurement organization. one of the kidneys that i assisted with went to someone who was on the transplant list for over two and a half years.

i was scrubbed in all day for vascular. some days I think i will miss it. but days like today make me believe that something greater is headed my way and worth giving this all up.

writing to you from a day spent on my couch

one year already? just about. is anyone still here? if so:

interviewed for my dream job. third and final interview. it felt underwhelming, like my dream was suddenly somewhat attainable and not as impossible as my current job made it seem.

i’ve been told before that if i stay, i could be a big fish in a small pond.

but i want to be a big fish in the big fucking ocean. i want level 1 trauma experience, complex surgeries, and to join the cardiac team and do open heart surgeries. to be the best, i need to be challenged by the best.

honestly it’s a weird feeling. i did my part, took a big chance, and i would be thrilled if things worked out. on the other hand, if things don’t work out, i can always get more experience and try again.

ps. here is miles :)

3000 yd/58 min swim workout + 1 hour intervals

also a casual JOB INTERVIEW in between for cardiovascular surgery (!!!!)

i had good recs from going to social events and networking with greg’s coworkers. still it was a huge gamble and i declined an interview back in december because i didn’t think that i was good enough. this time around i got all the way to the cardiac coordinator.

i spoke about how it felt seeing a beating heart for the first time. how much i valued being a resource and a leader. how much i wanted to keep pushing myself with more challenging equipment, bigger cases, and trauma surgery.

i interviewed well, was very transparent with where i was in my career and my hopes moving forward. at the very end i found the guts to ask

I understand the job listing requires two years of cardiac and vascular experience and likely seeking someone to get oriented to the hospital, and be expected to hit the ground running. Do you see any challenges hiring someone with less experience like me, but with a real passion for the field and the drive to learn?

ugh i was ready to end it right there. my heart stopped when she paused before offering me a response.

No. I think you’ll fit right in.

sunday snaps