State of Mind_

I’ve finally moved on from the one whom i had a crush on since i was 5. As soon as he was married to his long-time ex girlfriend, i have finally at peace with the fact that he’s not mine anymore.

But it strikes me hard when the memories of my own long-time ex came in to my mind lately. Listening to all of his voice recording singing to me every night those days made me miss him so much. I cried.. i only realized that he’s the best at making a realtionship feels like a fairytale. Every songs he likes reminds me of him. Every songs with some events reminds me of him. I don’t feel the same with my fiancé. But that’s the price for accepting someone who loves me more than i love him as compared to my previous exes.

You’ll eventually get over him ily..

As someone who is supposedly to get married soon, i feel so stress about everything. I cant see anything better. I unintendedly compare my life, my partner with someone else. Sometimes i really feel like why cant i have what i wished for? why i get something unfavorable and not like what i expected. 

I never wish this, but i got this. 

it forces me to develop patience within myself. But so far i havent see the good behind all this that happened. 

Expectations lead to disappointment.

I am really in disappointment right now....

So whenever someone who is never be in my shoes, act like they try to understand but actually not, makes me feel annoyed.

I easily get annoyed with everything..

I kinda fucked up.

Apa hikmah disebalik semua ni ya Allah. aku masih belum nampak.

is it even worth to fight on this?

Sayu,

Hati aku rindu.

Rindu pada kau yang langsung tak menoleh

Masih saja aku fikirkan, apa khabarnya engkau? Siapa kini di hati kau? Apakah kau jua merindukan aku?

Tapi mana bisa mungkin kau rindukan aku bukan?

Kerana sedangkan kau yang pergi meninggalkan aku sendirian. Tahu kah kau betapa seksanya diri menanggung semuanya?

Terkadang aku kesal.

Kesal kerana membiarkan fikiran ku hanyut mengingati engkau.

Kasihan pada si dia yang masih teguh setia menantikan aku.

Aku takut jika hati aku masih ada sekelumit pd engkau, aku tak mampu menyayangi dia sepenuh hati aku sepertimana aku menyayangi kau. Perit pedih hati ini.

Kau hanya mampu aku sayangi, tetapi tidak mampu aku miliki.

Sedangkan kau menghuni hati aku sejak sekian lamanya. Mana mungkin kau ku ganti semudahnya.

Dear You,

You are still the best thing that happen in my life. I never thought of having anyone else other than you when I was with you. Because you are the one that i ever wanted.

Bila kau tak lagi mengendah,

Bila kau tak lagi mencari,

Aku resah,

Seandainya dapat aku putarkan masa,

Tak mahu aku hentikan saat di mana kau ucapkan sayang,

Saat kau ucapkan rindu,

Saat kau berkata kau perlukan aku,

Kadang2 aku berfikir,

Kita ni memang ditakdirkan untuk bersama atau sekadar bertemu untuk menjadi kenangan sahaja?

Why is it so hard to understand each other?

Why is it so hard for you to understand me?

End up,

I think the best way is not too care anything anymore.

I won’t search for you

I won’t ask.

Not that I don’t care, but I don’t want to break my own heart,

Kalau each day we fight like a lot

This is so fucking tiring.

But still hati sdri kena dijaga.

Who else wanna care for it unless diri sdri kan?

So i choose not to get hurt by not searching for it, for you.

May Allah bless us.

If possibly ada jodoh kita, no matter what Allah akan satukan kita right?

But if ever im not yours forever, then u know that someday the real person will eventually come.

Just leave me.

I used to be alone. There’s nothing to be afraid of. And Allah knows best. If it’s meant to be for us it’ll be.

Dari semalam smpi ke harini smpi ke malam ni. I just don’t know what’s your actual problem sampai kau perlu layan aku macam ni. While actually im at my best state even though i can be not.

To be honest, indeed i do want someone in my life especially when my parents also start to ask, start to talk about 'calon' thingy. Tp bila ada chance tu, aku pulak yg dilema tak sudah2. Nak give up plak rasa 😂

At some point i try to console myself not being swayed by my own feeling. But i cannot lie to my ownself.

.

Bila aku tengok story kwn aku je, ada dia. Selalunya kita happy tgk crush, tp aku terus down sebab aku tau aku tak mampu dan tak layak. Tmbh pulak bila kwn baik dia suka kau.

Aku pun faham perasaan tu bila kita minat someone tp someone tu minat kt kwn baik kita.

Tapi hati tak boleh paksa kan. Dan the reason kenapa aku tak bagi jawapan apa2 sebab, hati aku pada org lain, tp aku jugak nk jaga hati pd yg menaruh perasaan. Dia okay je tp perasaan aku takde.. aduhhh susah lah nk ckp bila soal hati ni.

Oh Allah.. make it easier..

Hmm.. memang lah aku terharu bila ada org confess kt aku and cakap yg sebenarnya dah lama suka. And this is the second time i think yg ada orang suka aku time aku dah berpunya so they tend to keep it to themselves. And now bila aku dah single they are trying again.

Tapi hakikatnya, timing tak betul bila hati ni sangkut pada orang lain. Frust jugak sebab susahnya nak dapatkan orang yg kita betul2 serius minat tp org lain pun berharap kt kita at the same time. Busy noticing the ones we love while there is someone else waiting for you.

All this while i am spending so much time learning from the way my friends talking about girls, i can actually make some conclusions based on that.

Different guys form different ideas. Kalau nak ikutkan member2 kelas aku yg mana aku kamcing, most of them mcm typical guy jgak. Idea mereka almost the same. But jarang2 aku dengar lelaki puji and adore pmpuan lasak, independent, capable of so many things, bekerjaya professional even as engineer.

For god sake, aku rasa mcm first time dengar lelaki puji kriteria mcm ni instead of rupa paras semata. They overlook at how women drive, how women dress up and act, how independent the girl would be, how strong and iron lady the women could be. I think this is the type of guy that suits for me. They know how to appreciate the skills that independent girls have. They don't take it as granted.

Thank you guys for being different from other typical answers ive ever heard before. Mungkin lain bidang lain perception nya kut eh. Does their study environment that matters? 😅

Or maybe high class women are for the high class men also? 🙊

End up kau punya pilihan calon oun revolves around them jgak.. bukan main ye 😂😅

Lately, i don't flashback memories anymore on my past.

Maybe i have 60% moved on now.

I was suggested by my friend to create event/coincidence. The fact that wanting to held an event itself is so hard right now 😩

Tbh, me myself don't know how i could fell in love with someone i never met or had a socmed conversation with. Like seriously, this is my first.

And i couldn't believe the strength of my everyday working hours is him. I never expect this feeling to grow stronger.

I know it everytime.

That i don't deserve you,

But my heart keeps calling out for your name which i didn't know why.

We haven't met in person, we never talked to each other. But i just can't resist the attraction you bring to me. I wish i could meet and get to know you in the near future.

Moga Dia jagakan kau.

Moga takdir tertulis untuk kita dipertemukan.

Be it as friends only i don't mind.

Sebab,

Belum cuba belum tahu kan.

The way you showed you care,

The way you treat me well,

The way you shared your thoughts,

The way you followed me here and there,

I was in so much blessings with your presence.

I can't help myself to like your personality.

I know I don't have right to take this deeper,

Just, i am in amazement.

Hope this will be short-term feeling which i will never hang onto for long.

Sometimes, your childness insist you to call upon me, to look for me, to talk to me whenever you saw me.

Every time i heard you call my name,

I'm happy.

I don't know why i did.

But just sometimes, i like your childness.