Welcome to my (inner) jungle, please don't feed the demons

is my life?

So frustrating, scary and rewarding at the same time. I am writing grants now and I have a team and it is so very dysfunctional that I feel like the Belushi boys would make an entertaining film about it if they were both still in this realm or timeline or dimension or whatever. I need to vent, but I can't because the internet is forever and I am becoming perceived by more and more people every day.

Also, I have no sense or cents, common or copper. I put together a offering, so if you want me to help clarify something for you, give me a booking at Outside the Jar.

It was really a trip listing everything I have done in the last 30 years holy cow I was really not giving myself much credit. Instead I was standing around surprised when people kept calling on me for important things, and trusting me. Of course you are going to trust me and rely on me, I have been reliable and trustworthy forever. I just didn't do it in a straight line. A straight anything really. Even my smile isn't straight and let us not talk about the bisexual sitting positions. Holy shit that could have saved me a lot of frustration in identification of myself. I am and always will be a work in progress.

Here is my linktree, if you want to make an honest woman out of me, buy some art on EBAY and overpay haha. I only have things I can put in an envelope there because I can't afford to get to a post office or UPS or whatever, I can walk to the mailbox. If you would rather be my sugar momma or poppa, I do love money after all, and you are welcome to send it. In these, the year of our destruction, money might be as elusive for you as it is me, I respect that, no shade. If you want to follow and engage you can never really understand how much it means to me.

Thank you in advance for all of your friendship and support over the years, I love you all so much.

Oh, and very last, here is the Newsletter I am writing for the non profit keeping me cool and housed, go give it a subscription and make me look good if you can, it's free and will be monthly.

I found a place in Bombay Beach for the summer and I landed a 4 hour a week job as a tree steward (landscaping) in exchange for my housing I am working to support two amazing non profits. My very dear friend has been under this high level of harassment which has become dangerous and I have been helping her, which put me in the target of a mean girl bully club but now it’s going to court on Monday so it’s even worse. I’m going to be playing the sister in a Psycho inspired musical skit that should go off in the fall.

The bad neighbor situation is really insane and I think it’s even worse than I knew and geez I knew it was bad.

Aside from that I am a thriving human who has found a place I feel I belong. Where I am needed and where I am appreciated. I walk into a room and have to hug everyone I know even if I walked into a room and hugged them an hour earlier. I am an A+ hugger. The second best in town I have been told (by the first best haha).

I feel like I am in the training ground for the eventual global humanitarian foundation I eventually found. I still don’t see a path to that and that sounds wild to me to say still but I have absolute faith that flow and leading a heart led life is the transportation.

I was gifted a roll of mulberry paper. The little one is listed on my eBay the big one is still in progress. I’m not sure I love it yet but now it’s dry and the edges or torn (not pictured) it’s better but…

It feels like there’s a whole culture behind that kind of decency??

This is so kind and honestly at a moment that I was not so kindly reflecting on past choices. I was raised to be polite but also very entitled. I’ve been unlearning the entitlement one humble pie after the next, but the politeness and thinking of others feels right.

Remember when we mailed? I miss it. I wrote my daughter a letter today, she’s in navy Bootcamp and I couldn’t get her address before last night. I have sheets of stamps from our days of mail. It should get her a letter a day. Maybe that’s a bad thing on a ship? Is basic on a ship? I guess that makes sense. Clue me in if ya know, please.

I am soaking in a beat up claw foot tub for hours in gratitude. My feet are pruned leather and I’ve done all I can do with what I have. Maybe I can find a belt sander laying around. What I would give for a pedicure. Nothing. I would give nothing because my coffers have run dry. I can’t even afford to drive 20 miles for milk. I could probably find milk closer than 20 miles for a premium price tag but… it’s fine, I don’t need milk.

I just whipped up a flash bang quickly in my head with a milk goat I raised from a kid and when she was a baby she would ride around on the golf cart and go with me to the Ski Inn for a crisp tasty Bev and I walked her around town on a leash like a puppy. Now she just comes in and loads up on a goat milking platform next to my bed every am and wakes me for her morning milking by licking my face. We provide the town with plenty of milk and cheese and soap.

So, aside from whipping up a great life in my head while I soak, what are things people with no money do to create money? If you say work I will come through this phone I swear to Lilith I will. For real though I did apply for a learning job landscaping. It’s not much but it would certainly help so cross your fingers. I thought I had a watering job but when I showed up it was actually cleaning for an airbnb. Not much money but even little bits help right? He was supposed to call and didn’t when his guests left so maybe I did a shit job. I don’t know, I don’t mind cleaning but it’s not my favorite work wise. I enjoyed making coffee but the cafe is closed for the season. I’m gonna put some art workshops together. We are going to do an Ass Troll workshop in the art barn on the 21st but I’m not charging for it. Without all my supplies (which I need about 500$ to go get) I’m limited.

I need to be accountable to gratitude. I’m so grateful I am not living in my car right now. It’s going to be 107 ish this week they say. Gross!!! I’m so grateful for so much really.

I’ve started a list for things I need for my little studio space, luckily it was furnished mostly. I can get by without anything else but I wouldn’t mind finding a way to thrive. If you feel compelled to bless me with a home warming gift, the list is here

If you just want to send a regular post card, please send to

BBAC/Zelda

2159 Second St

Niland, CA 92257

Alt title/ my bartender bought me a sex toy thank fuck I have no shame cause it’s the only bar in town.

My bartender friend said she needed a new sex toy. The bar was three girls who think of themselves as Charlie’s Angeles and me. I could not make a recommendation because the angels are sharp when they carve you out of a conversation so the bartender was guided instantly to the lemon. I say sounds great if they have a BOYO grab my broke ass one as I left my last one at my last housesit. Sad trombone. (No bone)

Well, Wednesday I show up and leave with my shiny new gifted sex toy. Wild times. Also. Love.

So now, how do you reciprocate for such a *ahem* kindness?

I am thinking:

He was always the first to see something and jump to a plan to fix it and he always wore lights at night and called himself Kevin «LiT ». We all loved him so much but love is not enough sometime to keep hope alive. If you are struggling and need someone I am here, I am, but what a dumb thing to say.

It’s been a rough almost two weeks. Tomorrow I work the last day at the cafe then I really don’t know how I’ll make money as everything is kinda closed down for the season. I have been keeping myself very busy with acts of service and art though, so while nearly penniless (we quit making them any away) I am surrounded by community and love.

I don’t want to be ungrateful, I really love love and love community but I also like my cellphone and driving and yikes holy shitballs montherfucket 5.29 a gallon for the cheap gas???? Yeah I guess we see how long a half tank lasts when you are 40 miles from anywhere.

A home. A studio in a house for the summer. With a clawfoot tub. I’m in a bed (because thankfully it’s furnished) and my blankets fit it perfectly and it is so comfy.

It’s the basement/garage level one room with the bathroom in the main garage part. That opens to my patio which is cute now but will be shaded in with bamboo and loaded up with the baby trees I need to water. I love it so much.

My car has a flat and seems to be stuck in the bad dimension for now. Not to worry I have a plan to solve it Monday. Money is scarce but new place is utilities/work exchange so I can breath a tiny bit. The garage side of this level opens from both sides and it has been turned into a gallery, currently empty.

I have a huge space to paint in till at least Nov. I will have my radio show in full swing by then. I’m going to put art and my color books for sale around town but tourism is near dead for the season so I need something more real. I need to bring money into this economy so ideally I want to earn from outside of it and spend inside of it. There is very little business here now though so I want to encourage us to work with each other more. The beauty of it is most of the community wants that too but don’t know how to facilitate it.

I made the choice to make Bombay Beach home. It’s a hard place full of strange people and it is a community that takes care of one another.

I’ve been living in my car here for the past few months. It was full of nomads and artists and now just mostly the residents are left to fend off hooligans and giant flies in 120 degree heat. I said, hey, sign me up! I want to be part of the good here. I’ve decided to write a campy murder mystery set in the future here and I volunteered myself to start the morning radio show. They said hell yes, but we were in a bar and they are still achieving some big radio goals like a working tower. I don’t know much about radio but it feels really right for me.

Problem: I have not been able to find a place to live and I am quickly running out of money.

Problem 2: fucking green truck ex. Why won’t he leave? I’ve been parking in a cool spot but I wake up and see his truck. It is not possible to not see his truck it’s parked up high. Now his ex has flown back and she is here too. He is fucking Gay and I am having the hardest time letting it all go I want to run around and just spill all the shitty shit about him but I know it just leaves me covered in shit.

Problem 3: I am missing enough money to drink the green truck away in the bar. Boo hooooo. I went yesterday and only had a cheeseburger, no fries and just water 18 bucks with tip.

So, I have to make this work I don’t have the resources to try to figure something else out. Unless I go to AZ and focus on selling anything of value from my storage. Maybe I do that.

For now I need to get off the beach so I don’t have to see this fucking narc tendency clown show I let lure me into his truck every fucking morning. I reached out a guy I’ve worked for and he has a few lots. He gave me permission to park at one in town. I should at least be able to unload and be a little more functional artistically. The bar said the will sell my color books if I wanna order some stock. I should have done this before the crowd came but it’s too hard to carry so much around.

All the housing options here and the so called friends who have empty fucking stuff would rather I be homeless. This is the whole problem with this world. A town with dirt poor residents and wealthy people that own all the properties and rent it out. They do good things for the town, like community meals and the cooling center but the residents stay poor. I hope the future finds a way that the residents prosper as the town prospers because the imbalance is glaring.