Welcome to my (inner) jungle, please don't feed the demons

I have 8 chapters more than loosely edited and 12 more chapters on ugliness that needs to get to the edited stage.

I have to believe this will pay off but ooooffffff this book calls me on all my bullshit and thanks I hate it.

I still have no coins to rub together but see a path towards getting my car legal and safe to drive again, then to retrieve my stuff from AZ. Fingers crossed it’s sooner rather than later. My stewardship job is terrible. Pulling weeds 4 hours a week is what it really works out to and the money covers my minimum bills (insurance, cell phone, ect) nothing else but my housing is secure till May and my air keeps me cool in record breaking heat waves. Thank you to most high for looking out for me.

My job morphed into an executive coordinator position with an official title of Donor relations. Lots of hard (currently unpaid) work but has really cool perks that I will keep quiet till they actually materialize. I’ve put the cart before the horse to many times.

I finally started on my next book and I really love it so far. It’s my Outside the Jar theory and practice of gaining clarity through outside prospective. I’m 23 chapters in so it is really taking shape into something authentic and helpful. As long as I can stay on point and just keep going I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is so bright.

Tomorrow is busy day of getting nothing done. 2 hours of weeding quick bath then a trip to town with a friend to the doctors and a store. Then the food delivery, sure wish they could get a safe way to transport food. Honestly so much of it is dangerous by the time it gets to us and people take it. Being poor takes so many safe choices from people. Once a month the food bank comes and brings some shelf stable milk, cheese, rice, beans, tortillas and a bag of chicken. Safe food at least but not enough for a month so the Tuesday food is needed by so many. But hours in heat before it makes it to us gives us a ton of warm meat and dairy products. I stick to breads and snacks and veggies I can cook when we get them.

Really though, it’s a laugh and a cry. That’s my duality. Not feminine and masculine, it’s laugh or cry, and often both. Anyway here are some pictures. A large collage cloudy surreal dream scene and a couple aceo’s im about to list. It’s Zeldaart on eBay if ya wanna pay to play. Love you lots❤️

Z

is my life?

So frustrating, scary and rewarding at the same time. I am writing grants now and I have a team and it is so very dysfunctional that I feel like the Belushi boys would make an entertaining film about it if they were both still in this realm or timeline or dimension or whatever. I need to vent, but I can't because the internet is forever and I am becoming perceived by more and more people every day.

Also, I have no sense or cents, common or copper. I put together a offering, so if you want me to help clarify something for you, give me a booking at Outside the Jar.

It was really a trip listing everything I have done in the last 30 years holy cow I was really not giving myself much credit. Instead I was standing around surprised when people kept calling on me for important things, and trusting me. Of course you are going to trust me and rely on me, I have been reliable and trustworthy forever. I just didn't do it in a straight line. A straight anything really. Even my smile isn't straight and let us not talk about the bisexual sitting positions. Holy shit that could have saved me a lot of frustration in identification of myself. I am and always will be a work in progress.

Here is my linktree, if you want to make an honest woman out of me, buy some art on EBAY and overpay haha. I only have things I can put in an envelope there because I can't afford to get to a post office or UPS or whatever, I can walk to the mailbox. If you would rather be my sugar momma or poppa, I do love money after all, and you are welcome to send it. In these, the year of our destruction, money might be as elusive for you as it is me, I respect that, no shade. If you want to follow and engage you can never really understand how much it means to me.

Thank you in advance for all of your friendship and support over the years, I love you all so much.

Oh, and very last, here is the Newsletter I am writing for the non profit keeping me cool and housed, go give it a subscription and make me look good if you can, it's free and will be monthly.

I found a place in Bombay Beach for the summer and I landed a 4 hour a week job as a tree steward (landscaping) in exchange for my housing I am working to support two amazing non profits. My very dear friend has been under this high level of harassment which has become dangerous and I have been helping her, which put me in the target of a mean girl bully club but now it’s going to court on Monday so it’s even worse. I’m going to be playing the sister in a Psycho inspired musical skit that should go off in the fall.

The bad neighbor situation is really insane and I think it’s even worse than I knew and geez I knew it was bad.

Aside from that I am a thriving human who has found a place I feel I belong. Where I am needed and where I am appreciated. I walk into a room and have to hug everyone I know even if I walked into a room and hugged them an hour earlier. I am an A+ hugger. The second best in town I have been told (by the first best haha).

I feel like I am in the training ground for the eventual global humanitarian foundation I eventually found. I still don’t see a path to that and that sounds wild to me to say still but I have absolute faith that flow and leading a heart led life is the transportation.

I was gifted a roll of mulberry paper. The little one is listed on my eBay the big one is still in progress. I’m not sure I love it yet but now it’s dry and the edges or torn (not pictured) it’s better but…

It feels like there’s a whole culture behind that kind of decency??

This is so kind and honestly at a moment that I was not so kindly reflecting on past choices. I was raised to be polite but also very entitled. I’ve been unlearning the entitlement one humble pie after the next, but the politeness and thinking of others feels right.

Remember when we mailed? I miss it. I wrote my daughter a letter today, she’s in navy Bootcamp and I couldn’t get her address before last night. I have sheets of stamps from our days of mail. It should get her a letter a day. Maybe that’s a bad thing on a ship? Is basic on a ship? I guess that makes sense. Clue me in if ya know, please.

I am soaking in a beat up claw foot tub for hours in gratitude. My feet are pruned leather and I’ve done all I can do with what I have. Maybe I can find a belt sander laying around. What I would give for a pedicure. Nothing. I would give nothing because my coffers have run dry. I can’t even afford to drive 20 miles for milk. I could probably find milk closer than 20 miles for a premium price tag but… it’s fine, I don’t need milk.

I just whipped up a flash bang quickly in my head with a milk goat I raised from a kid and when she was a baby she would ride around on the golf cart and go with me to the Ski Inn for a crisp tasty Bev and I walked her around town on a leash like a puppy. Now she just comes in and loads up on a goat milking platform next to my bed every am and wakes me for her morning milking by licking my face. We provide the town with plenty of milk and cheese and soap.

So, aside from whipping up a great life in my head while I soak, what are things people with no money do to create money? If you say work I will come through this phone I swear to Lilith I will. For real though I did apply for a learning job landscaping. It’s not much but it would certainly help so cross your fingers. I thought I had a watering job but when I showed up it was actually cleaning for an airbnb. Not much money but even little bits help right? He was supposed to call and didn’t when his guests left so maybe I did a shit job. I don’t know, I don’t mind cleaning but it’s not my favorite work wise. I enjoyed making coffee but the cafe is closed for the season. I’m gonna put some art workshops together. We are going to do an Ass Troll workshop in the art barn on the 21st but I’m not charging for it. Without all my supplies (which I need about 500$ to go get) I’m limited.

I need to be accountable to gratitude. I’m so grateful I am not living in my car right now. It’s going to be 107 ish this week they say. Gross!!! I’m so grateful for so much really.

I’ve started a list for things I need for my little studio space, luckily it was furnished mostly. I can get by without anything else but I wouldn’t mind finding a way to thrive. If you feel compelled to bless me with a home warming gift, the list is here

If you just want to send a regular post card, please send to

BBAC/Zelda

2159 Second St

Niland, CA 92257

Alt title/ my bartender bought me a sex toy thank fuck I have no shame cause it’s the only bar in town.

My bartender friend said she needed a new sex toy. The bar was three girls who think of themselves as Charlie’s Angeles and me. I could not make a recommendation because the angels are sharp when they carve you out of a conversation so the bartender was guided instantly to the lemon. I say sounds great if they have a BOYO grab my broke ass one as I left my last one at my last housesit. Sad trombone. (No bone)

Well, Wednesday I show up and leave with my shiny new gifted sex toy. Wild times. Also. Love.

So now, how do you reciprocate for such a *ahem* kindness?

I am thinking:

He was always the first to see something and jump to a plan to fix it and he always wore lights at night and called himself Kevin «LiT ». We all loved him so much but love is not enough sometime to keep hope alive. If you are struggling and need someone I am here, I am, but what a dumb thing to say.

It’s been a rough almost two weeks. Tomorrow I work the last day at the cafe then I really don’t know how I’ll make money as everything is kinda closed down for the season. I have been keeping myself very busy with acts of service and art though, so while nearly penniless (we quit making them any away) I am surrounded by community and love.

I don’t want to be ungrateful, I really love love and love community but I also like my cellphone and driving and yikes holy shitballs montherfucket 5.29 a gallon for the cheap gas???? Yeah I guess we see how long a half tank lasts when you are 40 miles from anywhere.