Wishing I was a Happy Person

This week i managed to go to class, socialize and pick up the phone when people called. still on the inside am screaming. i am not takeing my meds, on one side its great to feel everything and not be so numb. However all the darkness is so noticeable. Lucky for me am too good at hideing all that crap, none of them can even notice. if i keep laughing, jokeing, going to school and being social they will never tell.

Hanna 

she tried time and time again. She was trying to meet her end befor it was her time. However with every atempt something held her back. This time around she had real help, and even tho she had no hope left there was a small flicker of light in the distance. Then again she could just be hallucinateing.

I have set the perfect time to get it over with. And am glad its happening soon because my patience is shortening. I cant keep doing this

Everything is in place yet somehow its not enough, deep down i know What to do but am scared.

She was walking in pouring rain, yet that made her calm. The minute she was inside the sea of people begun spinning she could no longer hold her ground. She now knew the feeling of drowning struggeling to catch a breath, yet her insides would not allow her. Feeling like she could explode. As she got to safety, she recognized that it was no longer her safe space.

She asked what is it like to be you? And i said it is like liveing in ur worst nightmare day in and day out. She got misty eyed and she is the only person, i can trust with the truth about my worsg nightmares.

Here i am withering away. Lips so dry like there is no water in sight. Day by day i grow closer to meet my end. Yet i am the onlyone noticeing. Today i am here unable to leave any real inpact on the world. Nothing to show for the fact that i was here. But my end is waiting, and i am ready for the warm embrace of knowing its over.

They cant help. So i stay quiet. Its the reason i am this thing today, but still if i am still here and they are buying it againg. Must mean its working. So act sane and they will belive u, dont show that u are insane. "Be normal" until normal doesnt work then it is goodbye, that my one and only plan

Is this really all am reduced to, an empty shell. Confined by these four walls. Like a corpse, but am still breathing, and my mind is shouting for help. Yet i can't because at this point, they are tired of the same song. They feel helpless, and they cant reach me. Am afraid this is really the end.

Its been awhile since i posted anything. My year started of really shitty. The last few month of 2016 i was in a deep depression, which carried on to 2017. In february my family had enough so the had me committed to a mental hospital. Since i lived 12 hours away, they came to pick me up. And i was forced to quit school and the life i had buildt, to make them happy. Seven month later am not in school, but applying for a job. I have managed to convince everyone close to me that am better. Because that makes them feel better, and they are more comfortable around me. They dont know the truth. That am screaming inside, and secreatly plotting my exit.

So am sooooo far behind on studieng for the curiculum and, i cant even start talking about on the money. I wish i could just run away and get a job in fiji or something. If i fail at this it feela like am really failing at life

Is it wierd that am more concerned with watching girls that actually doing something with my life? Cus right now everything just seems pointless