“wHy CaN’t AeD pAdS tOuCh?!?!”

BECAUSE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO GO ON AN UNRESPONSIVE PERSON’S CHEST. THEY’RE NOT A FUCKING NOVELTY OR TOY FOR YOU TO PONDER “HyUcK i WoNdEr WhAt HaPpEnS iF tHeY tOuCh?!”

i’m getting way too mad about this. my main annoyance is that i, having taken BLS classes before, know that pads placed too close together on the body won’t work because that means they’re on the wrong position.

i thought that’s what she was asking, since it’s a legitimate question...

nope i get a smartass “yeah i KNEW that but i wanna know why they can’t touch!”

... seriously?!

then i have to remember my own dad has hit me in the face on more than one occasion, put us on a diet in the 7th grade, convinced becca and i we were fat losers and would never get jobs, graduate, or have friends, the whole house had their weights recorded on an excel spreadsheet, convinced at least one therapist that we were fuck ups and made us to go sessions with this old dude in an attempt to figure out what was “wrong” with us, spent one christmas as a teenager being screamed at in my face because i didn’t want to go to asheville, was screamed at in my face for not wanting to go to disney, screamed at over my grades to the point i had to lock myself in my room because he wouldn’t stop screaming, was hit repeatedly as a child with a dog whip, was told if i didn’t clean my room fast enough i would be hit, was hit for not taking to potty training fast enough (yes i remember that,) if i didn’t get my homework answers right after a couple tries i would be hit, was told i was “faking it” when i nearly passed out from heatstroke, watched my mom get hit in the face twice, had to stay at nuna’s once because he completely trashed the house in a fit of rage, watched my siblings still in diapers get the belt, locked up our food in a pantry, constantly mocked for crying or being upset, and testifying against him in court TWICE was both the most traumatic and cathartic thing i’ve ever done.

sometimes i forget the most fucked up part of my life was my childhood. i haven’t even mentioned all the fucked up things that my grandmother (not nuna) did to my aunt. in comparison, other than losing nuna my life since turning 15 has gone pretty smoothly. but it took a long time to get past what happened, and while it still affects me it’s not nearly as bad as say 8-10 years ago. it’s definitely the stem of my anxiety, as i still internally panic when someone yells and i don’t like my face being touched.

my aunt had an even more fucked up childhood and complex PTSD as a result and she showed me the ACE test that gauges childhood trauma. her score was an 7 or 8... mine is 5.

4 years ago, i suddenly lost my nuna. she was my best friend and biggest cheerleader, so her loss hit me hard. hard enough that my job performance was suffering, and i went to a therapist for several months. the grief of losing her is something i carry around to this day. there’s so many things i wish i could share with her and it hurts my heart that i can’t. nuna was always supportive of every choice i made and losing that support left me feeling completely unmotivated and empty.

**tumblr ate the next paragraphs and idk why. oops.

several months after losing my nuna, my relationship abruptly ended. it was a shock that after almost 2 years of being told i was loved and that he was going to make the big move to live in the same state as me. he instead ghosted me for days while i was begging him to answer me. he and his sister were bragging on fb about his move... that was in the opposite direction from me. he finally waited until he thought i was asleep and broke up with me via text, with paragraphs upon paragraphs of straight up lies.

that loss has been easier to take, but has also left me weary of attempting another relationship when even though in hindsight i should’ve seen the end coming, i refused to acknowledge it because his actions matched his words until only about a month before. eventually i’ve come to an agreement with myself that what he did doesn’t need an explanation. it’s not for me to understand. if i even came close to understanding, that would mean i would be able to empathize with him which i refuse to do.

**ok end tumblr snack

so with both of these losses occurring within months of each other, i was miserable. i lived alone and my sister, the one person would understands me, was living hours away. working 12 hour nights meant i was almost constantly alone (except sirius, he saw me cry a lot and became my cuddle buddy.) i also stopped going to therapy because my therapist was completely useless and just let me ramble for 45 minutes, tell me it’s time to go, and collect my copay before sending me on my way.

it wasn’t until several months after my relationship ended that i was on the phone with my sister. she knew her roommate was moving cross country the next year and wasn’t sure what her housing plans were gonna look like. the idea had been forming in my head, so i finally asked her.

“why don’t i move up there and live with you?”

she thought i was kidding, and if i was her i probably would’ve thought so, too. so the ideas started forming, and within the year i moved 300 miles to start my life over.

while the move here didn’t go quite according to plan, and i had to adapt and change some of my long term goals, i’m still proud of myself for making a major life change that didn’t revolve around another person. moving here was MY choice; no one asked me to.

i made the choice to live in the mountains, to live with my sister, and to be closer to family. i have zero regrets.

infjs like me are also called advocates

so