To each his own.

It’s always been you… it’s been 6yrs and 3000 miles and it’s still you.

I felt a sadness that it was over… because I remembered how much you loved me. You loved me w everything you had, gave me everything you could, and sacrificed everything to be what I needed you to be. You taught me what it was like to be fully, wholly loved for the first time. You showed me that if a man wanted to, he would, and you chose me every time. I am forever grateful. But I’m also sad because through this time apart I’ve realized we weren’t each others’ person, as much as we wanted to be and as hard as we tried to be. We didn’t bring out the best of each other, we made mistakes from what we were lacking, our love was lost in translation a lot of the time..

Its easy to move on from a relationship when the person was garbage, or treated you like shit. It’s tough when you see beyond that and know deep down they’re still a good person, just lost. And deep down I know you’re a good person, with so much love to give.. and all you ever wanted was to be fully loved and accepted too. And I couldn’t give that to you… and that’s what makes me sad. Because you deserve to be loved the way you loved me, and to feel safe and secure and enough at all times. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person to you, and I pray that you find someone else worthy of all that love, to reciprocate just as fully.

So thank you for showing me what it’s like to truly be loved, I’m sorry that we weren’t meant for each other, and I hope you find someone to love you the way you love them.

*names like 5 attributes*

- excitement and pride for the concept of my collection, how much flow/ cohesion there is from piece to piece, how thoughtful each look *should* be, and how it reflects my culture in a totally new way.

- fear from failure of some sort.. that my vision won’t translate to reality, of what others will think of me, of not looking legit.

- anxiety from not finishing on time, being so fucking busy with a full time job and tryna balance all this plus my other aspects of life.

- The empty barrel clangs the loudest

- Real G’s move in silence like lasagna

Honestly it’s the biggest fucking flex to silently build an empire. Without having to announce to the world or anything. Just do YOU and do it well.

That’s what 2022 is gna be for me. Silently building an empire, making strategic investments that will set me up for the future, and not telling a damn soul outside my family and close friends.

My initial reaction was to respond with “creativity” because of course I’m working on this fashion thing. But the more I thought about it, the more I think that answer needs to be “kindness to myself”, and space for me to be me without expectation.

I haven’t been sleeping well, maybe for a month now. I’ve had to smoke or take melatonin or drink wine, and even then I get up at like 2am thinking. Just nonstop thinking. And I have these crazy bags under my eyes now and I’m just so tired and scared and anxious.

Because I hold such high expectations of myself that now I’m falling short in this fashion endeavor and not getting recognized at work and feeling like I have zero time to give 100% effort to all the things I’ve committed myself to.

And if I proactively stop to re evaluate all this pressure, it’s all self imposed. No one is pushing me to do all these things or be all these things, it’s just me and my expectations. So I want to make space to be kind to myself. And to be forgiving of myself for not being there yet, and not being my best version right now, and to give myself time to accomplish all these things.