SUUPERSCAAR

It’d been three weeks since the breakup. The screaming, crying, ugly breakup. The one that’d left Y/N in her bed for days, no energy to care for herself. Her apartment was disgusting, it’d been four days since she showered, but who cared? No one was seeing her. She’d emptied two bottles of wine and was currently nursing a handle of Tito’s. 

She’d gotten out of the self-deprecating funk and showered, picked up the apartment, and done the dishes. But, nothing helped. She was still miserable as she sat on the couch with the Tito’s with a random playlist playing. Y/N didn’t know what time it was when her phone buzzed with a text from Chloe, her best friend. 

Y/N please! it’ll be so much fun! you need

to get out of that apartment and forget 

about him. 

we’re going to the sandbar at ten, i’m 

picking you up at 9:30.

Y/N sighed, knowing that she couldn’t tell Chloe no. The girl stumbled into her bedroom, recklessly opened her closet, and started throwing clothes over her room. She settled on a black mini skirt that left very little to the imagination, a lacy black tanktop that’d graced the grounds of the Sandbar many times, and a pair of black platform boots. A classic, easy going out look that made her feel the best she’d felt in weeks. She drunkenly slapped on a face of makeup and fixed her hair, then waited on the couch for Chloe.

At 9:32, three knocks sounded from the door. Y/N stood up, still holding the now empty Tito’s, and stomped to the door, throwing it open to reveal Chloe standing there. 

“Jesus Christ, Y/N! Are you already drunk?” She glanced down at the glass bottle in concern. 

“Nooooo,” Y/N trailed off, giggling. “Yeahh.” She nodded her head. Chloe grabbed the bottle, setting it on the counter and grabbing Y/N’s purse for her before ushering her out of the apartment. 

The night at the Sandbar was one that Y/N won’t ever remember, save for the embarrassing stories that Chloe tells her after the fact. According to her, there were a lot of shots, two karaoke songs, some table dancing, and some meaningless conversations with men who had nothing more than impure thoughts in their mind. Chloe ordered an Uber home, dropping Y/N off at her apartment. She was going to stay with her, but Y/N insisted that she go home (not without a promise to call when she was conscious).

Unfortunately, Y/N’s drunken stupor didn’t stop when she got home. She had too much energy and she was drunk and alone, what else should she do? So, of course, she left the apartment and began walking. The path was second nature to her, but she wasn’t aware she was walking it. Y/N dialed a number, all too familiar, into her phone.

“Y/N?” Rafe’s voice rang through the speaker. 

“Raaafe!! Hello!” She hiccuped after her words. 

“Are you drunk?” He questioned. 

“Wha-no! Why?”

“Y/N, how much have you had to drink?”

“That’s rude, Ray. You don’t ask a lady how much she’s had to drink!” Y/N slurred her words and laughed. 

“Y/N.” Rafe said sternly, trying to get Y/N to tell him. 

“A lot. I don’t feel very good, y’know?” She admitted. Y/N was walking slowly along the side of the road, carefully putting one foot in front of the other. The wind was blowing through her hair, causing her to shiver. 

“Where are you?” Rafe shot out of bed, sliding on the nearest pair of shoes and grabbing his keys before rushing out the door. He didn’t even question himself. Sure they were broken up, but she was drunk and called him and despite everything, he’d do anything for her. 

“Iduknowwww…Ooh! I see a gas station!”

“Okay, which one?”

“Seven-Eleven.” 

“Alright, stay there. I’m coming to get you.” 

“Yay!! I missed you, Rafe.” She didn’t realize the implications of what she was saying in her state. 

“I missed you too,” He replied under his breath as he backed his truck out of the Tannyhill driveway. There was only one Seven Eleven on the island and it wasn’t far from his house. Y/N sat down on the curb of the gas station, wincing at the bright LED lights of the store and the sign towering above her. She was barely there for five minutes before Rafe’s black truck rounded the corner and pulled into the parking lot. 

“Y/N…” He rushed over to her, his eyes quickly glancing over her body to check for injuries.

“Rafe!” She practically flung herself on him, wrapping her arms around his neck as he caught her waist. “You came!”

“Of course I did. What were you doing out here?” 

“Taking a walk, silly.” Based on her location, there was really only one place she could’ve been walking to, but he didn’t want to assume. 

“Come on, get in the truck.” He kept an arm around her waist and guided her to the truck. 

Somehow, Rafe managed to get her up the stairs and into his bed with no casualties. He carefully took off her shoes, replaced her shirt with one of his and her skirt with a pair of his shorts. Rafe then snuck into Sarah’s room and took a package of makeup wipes. By the time she was in Rafe’s clothes and in his bed, Y/N had fallen asleep. Rafe was extra careful when he took the wipe to her face so as to not wake her. He then threw a pillow and blanket on the floor beside the bed before sending a quick text to Chloe, knowing the two of them would have been together. 

hey, its rafe. y/n called me, she’s super drunk,

 but she’s safe. she’s here at tannyhill asleep. 

That night, Rafe lay awake for longer than he’d’ve liked to. Partially because he was making sure that Y/N didn’t throw up in her sleep, but also because he was thinking about the breakup. It was horrible and messy and entirely his fault, and he was too stubborn to admit it at the time, but he knows now. 

Three weeks ago: 

Rafe had an issue with drugs, Y/N knew that. Either coke or molly mixed with weed and alcohol. It was dangerous, and Y/N had tried to tell him many times but it always ended in one of them storming off or Rafe convincing her he’ll change. The breaking point for Y/N came after one particularly rough party. Y/N was having fun on the dance floor with Chloe and a few other friends, the drinks and weed mixing pleasantly. Until Kelce tapped her on the shoulder. 

“Y/N, you gotta come get Rafe. He’s not doin’ good.” Kelce’s words sobered her up right away and she followed quickly behind him. Kelce led Y/N up to Rafe’s bedroom where he was laid out on the floor of the en suite bathroom. 

“Rafe? Are you okay?” She knelt down to his face. He was barely conscious, his eyes half lidded and his pupils huge. He didn’t answer for a minute and Y/N’s heart dropped. “Rafe!” She cupped his face, lightly hitting his cheek. “Hey, look at me.” 

Rafe’s eyes finally found hers and his lips widened into a lazy smile. “There she is..” his words slurred and relief flooded Y/N’s chest so hard her eyes welled up. For a split second. Then the anger hit. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“Nice to see you too, baby.” 

“Don’t. Do not baby me right now.” Y/N couldn’t look at him anymore, so she gazed around the bathroom. There were two beer cans crumpled on the counter, a small empty baggie next to them. Rafe reeked of weed and sweat and beer. 

“How much has he had?” She whispered to Kelce. 

“A lot. I don’t even know. I was trying to keep up with him, but then I just had to keep track and it was…it was bad.” Her eyes welled up again from concern. 

But, the worst part? She wasn’t surprised. Sure this was the worst it’s been, but she knew how it was going to end. He’d come down after a few hours hunched over the toilet and a rough night’s sleep, then they’d argue in the morning with Rafe promising he’d change and he’d get sober, and Y/N would believe him. She felt sick. Kelce snuck out, telling Y/N to call him if she needed anything.

“Are you mad at me?” Rafe looked up at her, a small frown on his face. Y/N stared at him, not knowing what to say. “Oh…you are. Why are you mad at me???” He practically whined, moving his arms lazily, like they weighed 100 pounds. 

“I’m not…I’m not mad at you, Rafe. I’m fine.” She moved to sit on the edge of the tub Rafe was leaning against and rubbed his shoulder. The long night over the toilet started immediately after that. She stayed in the bathroom as long as he needed, with the occasional check-in from either Kelce or Chloe who’d both decided to stay at Tannyhill for assistance. 

“Oh my god.” Rafe grumbled, finally coming out of the high around four AM. 

“How are you feeling?” Y/N grinned at the boy’s appearance. He’d originally fallen asleep on the carpeted floor of his bedroom, not wanting to climb into bed, but then he insisted on putting his legs on the cold tile floor after discarding all but his boxers. It truly was a sight. 

“Like I just got run over by a semi.” Y/N left his bed and handed him a glass of water which he gulped down. 

“I can imagine.” She helped Rafe up slowly and guided him to his bed. 

“Did I throw up on anything important?” “No.” 

“Good.” The room fell silent. Rafe rubbed his face. “You stayed.” 

“Of course I stayed.” 

“You didn’t have to.” 

“Yeah, I did.” Her voice was snappier now, causing Rafe to glance at her, the smile slipped from his face. 

“You okay?” Y/N stared at the floor. At the ceiling. At anything but him. “Y/N?”

“I’m tired, Rafe.” His brow furrowed in confusion.

“Okay? I-”

“No,” she scoffed. “It’s not okay.” A burning knot formed in her throat. “I am so tired.”

“You’re just upset because of tonight.” Y/N finally looked at him, and the expression on her face made his stomach drop. She wasn’t upset about tonight. She was upset about every night. Every promise. Every apology. Every time she’d stayed awake wondering if he was alive or dead. 

“Don’t make this about one night, Rafe.” Silence. Rafe glanced away first. 

“I said I was sorry.” 

“I know.” 

“I didn’t mean for this to happen.” 

“I know.” 

“Okay? Then what do you want me to say?” He chuckled in disbelief. The question hung between them for a moment. Y/N swallowed hard because she didn’t have an answer anymore. And that was the issue. Months ago she would’ve known exactly what she wanted. An apology, a promise, a plan. But now? Now she just felt empty. Rafe frowned.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” A tear slipped down her cheek and she looked to the ceiling. Rafe sat up, concerned. 

“Hey…” he placed a hand on her shoulder. Y/N wiped it away but more followed. “Y/N…”

“I thought you were dead.” She whispered. “I walked into that bathroom and I thought…I thought I was going to lose you.” Rafe’s face fell. 

“Baby-”

“No.” She shook her head and stood up. “No, because that’s the thing. You always do that.” 

“Do what?”

“You-you rub my shoulder and call me baby and make me forget why I’m angry.” Rafe just stared at her, speechless. Because she was right and they both knew it. Y/N raked a hand through her hair. “I can’t keep doing this.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“I don’t know what else to do, Rafe!” 

“Don’t. Don’t say that.” He stood up, the two of them now eye to eye. 

“Everything something happens–everytime this happens, I pick up the pieces!”

“That’s not far.” 

“It isn’t?

“No.” Rafe’s voice cracked. “No, it’s not.” For the first time all night, he looked desperate. Not angry, or sad. Desperate. “I love you.” 

Y/N squeezed her eyes shut. That was the problem. 

“I know.” 

“Then don’t do this!”

“Rafe, I love you too,” a sob escaped her. The words shattered both of them because they were true. So true, and neither of them ever doubted it. “But I can’t keep watching you destroy yourself! I can’t go through another night like tonight where I don’t know if you’re going to make it out. I’ve had 911 on speed dial for three months, Rafe. I…I just can’t.”

“I’ll stop.” The promise was too immediate. Y/N’s heart broke. She could hear the sincerity, but also the emptiness. 

“You said that last time.” Rafe couldn’t respond. “And you said that the time before too.” His eyes welled up. 

“Please…” His voice nearly destroyed her, but she shook her head. Because if she stayed, nothing would change. 

“I need you to get better because you want to get better. Not because you’re scared of losing me.” Rafe looked away, her words hitting him hard. Y/N moved toward the door, every step felt harder. She didn’t want to leave him, but she had to. She stopped at the door. 

“I love you,” Rafe’s head snapped up. “I always will.” Both of them were crying now. Their eyes met, a combination of love, regret, and sadness. Y/N gave Rafe a small smile and then left his bedroom. 

Rafe hadn’t touched alcohol, weed, or narcotics since the breakup. It hadn’t been long, but he’d worked hard. He wanted to be better for himself. The abuse wasn’t doing him any favors. He was irritable, constantly in pain, he’d lost motivation for most everything. But that night was a wakeup call. Y/N was a wakeup call. 

Rafe woke up before Y/N did. He snuck out of the room and left Tannyhill to grab breakfast, her favorite bagel and coffee from a place downtown, and made it back before she woke up. He waited until she stirred awake to do anything else, wanting to let her sleep everything off. 

Y/N groaned as the sunlight hit her eyes. 

“What time is it?” Her voice was muffled by the pillow. Rafe sat up at the sound of her voice, moving from his spot on the floor to the side of the bed. 

“It’s almost one.” 

“PM?” 

“Yup.” Y/N turned her head sharply towards Rafe’s voice. 

“You’re not Chloe.” 

Rafe chuckled. “No I am not.” 

“What am I doing here?” 

“Now, I don’t know the whole story, but you went to the bar with Chloe, then you called me and I picked you up.” 

“Oh god. How drunk was I?” 

“Very.” He handed her a glass of water and some Ibuprofen as she sat up in the bed. She thanked him. It was a little awkward, considering the last time they were in this room the roles were reversed. 

“Um, are you hungry?” He asked. “I got food from that bagel place you like.” 

“You…you went all the way out there? How long have you been awake?” 

“Since seven. But I fell back asleep.” Y/N’s heart warmed at the gesture. The two of them sat in silence for a moment, neither knowing what to say. Y/N stared at the cut of water in her hands and Rafe stared at the floor. It felt strange. They’d been together for nearly two years and they were acting like strangers. 

“So…” Y/N cleared her throat. “I called you?” 

“You did.” Rafe chuckled quietly. 

“Oh god.” 

“You were pretty entertaining.” Y/N groaned in embarrassment, burying her face in her hands. 

“Please don’t tell me.” The sound of Rafe’s laughter echoed in the room and for a split second, everything felt right again. Normal. And the realization hit them both at the same time. Their laughter faded slowly and the silence returned. Y/N began fiddling with a loose thread on the blanket. 

“Thank you.” She said quietly. 

“For what?” 

“For coming to get me.”

“You called.” Rafe said it like it was a no-brainer. “There’s no world in which I wouldn’t have answered.” 

“Still.” Y/N trailed off. 

“You’re welcome.” Another awkward silence fell between them. It was longer and more uncomfortable this time. Y/N looked at Rafe. Really looked at him for the first time in a while. His eyes were clearer, less tired. His skin looked healthier, his hair was a little bit longer. 

“You look different.” Rafe froze. 

“Good different or bad different?” 

“Just…different.” For a minute he was unsure of how to answer

“I haven’t touched anything.” Y/N blinked at him.

“What?” 

“No drinking. No drugs. Nothing.” The room went still. It felt like the world went quiet. Rafe stared at his hands. “It sucks.” A small laugh escaped Y/N’s lips. “I’m serious.”  

“I know.” 

“My head hurts all the time. I’m pissed off at everyone.” 

“That sounds about right.” A reluctant smile appeared on his face, but disappeared quickly. 

“But I’m doing it. I’m trying.” His words were quiet. It wasn’t the empty promise she was used to. It was the truth. And she knew it. Her chest tightened because this was all she wanted for so long. 

“Three weeks?” 

“Three weeks.” 

“That’s…amazing Rafe.” 

“Yeah.” He paused. “You were right.” Y/N hummed in question. “You said I had to do it because I wanted to. And I hated hearing that. But you were right.” Y/N’s eyes filled with tears because she’d spent months begging him to listen and now that he finally had, they weren’t together. Rafe finally looked at her, his expression unfamiliar. 

“I should’ve listened sooner.” Y/N felt tears fill her eyes. 

“Rafe…”

“I’m not saying it because I think it’ll fix anything. I’m saying it because you deserved to hear it. You make me a better man, Y/N. And I’m sorry that I didn’t treat you the way you should’ve been.” Rafe’s voice was steady. The room blurred. Y/N looked away before he could see the tears in her eyes, but he already had. Neither of them moved. Or spoke. 

“I missed you.” Rafe closed his eyes for just a second. When he opened them again, there was no hesitation in his response. “I missed you too.” 

Everyone seemed to notice it, and that was the embarrassing part. It wasn’t the feelings, or the amount of time they’d lingered. Not the years of secret pining for each other. It was the fact that everyone caught on before either of them said anything. 

Y/N had just left the Chateau, saying something about how her mother needed her at home. She left the other Pogues behind in the hot tub (the “Cat’s Ass” as JJ insists to call it) as the bonfire died down. 

“Just ask her out, already.” Pope blurted, causing JJ to choke on his beer. He’d watched Y/N leave, thinking none of them noticed, and then he immediately texted her. Probably something along the lines of text me when you get home, be safe. 

“Seriously.” John B echoed in agreement. 

“It’s been three years, dude.” Pope slapped a hand on JJ’s shoulder.

“C’mon, guys,” JJ scoffed in disbelief. “I don’t think of her like that. And, even if I did it’s against the rules! No Pogue-on-Pogue macking! That’s my rule!” All of the Pogues could see right through JJ’s words, but they knew he was the most stubborn person they’d ever known and wouldn’t back down, so they let it go. For now. 

But JJ didn’t forget it. He lay awake in John B’s spare room thinking about their words, which led to him thinking about the past years. 

Y/N and JJ met three years ago, when they were 13. JJ was sitting outside the principal’s office after yet another fight. He held an ice pack on his split lip, his golden hair a mess on top of his head. Y/N ended up there too, but for a completely different reason. She’d gotten caught stealing food during lunch, then skipping class to give it to a stray cat that she’d seen behind the school. They watched each other get lectured by the principal, then wait patiently for their guardian. 

“So, you’re a criminal too?” He’d asked. 

“Feeding a cat isn’t a crime.” She rolled her eyes as she slumped onto the bench next to him. They didn’t say anything, but she offered him half of her stolen sandwich. And he never forgot it. 

Since then, they’d been inseparable. JJ introduced her to John B, Pope, Kie, and eventually Sarah. The next three years were spent on adventures, parties at the Boneyard, and sleepovers. And somewhere, in the midst of all of that, something else blossomed between Y/N and JJ. The glances that lingered a little too long, the touches that definitely shouldn’t have happened. Years of unfinished sentences, of wanting, of wondering. Neither of them wanted to admit to themselves, much less to each other, so they buried their feelings deep down under everything and ignored them. 

But Y/N was finding it increasingly difficult to ignore these feelings and it was all JJ’s fault. It was so easy to fall in love with him. He was the kindest soul that Y/N had ever met. He also was the touchiest. If they were seated next to each other, their legs were touching and he didn’t back away. His arm constantly slung over her shoulder. He would hook his fingers through the belt loops on her jeans so he wouldn’t lose her in a crowd. She also noticed that he didn’t do those things with Kie or Sarah or any of the other girls he’d talk to. 

On the other side, JJ also found Y/N easy to fall in love with. Hell, he was pretty sure he’d been in love with her from the moment they’d met in that principal’s office. And, while he was very much aware of the things he did, he wasn’t alone in them. Y/N also never moved her leg away. When they were walking, nine times out of ten she would wrap her arm around his and hold on to his bicep. She would fix his hair and steal his hoodies and t-shirts. 

The first time that JJ tried to confess was Fourth of July. There was a big party at the Boneyard and both of them had quite a bit to drink by the end of it. At the end, it was just Y/N, JJ, and the waves. They sat down on the biggest log on the sand, legs dangling. The moon was at its peak and the light was reflecting on the waves. Every once and a while, a dolphin’s fin would pop out. JJ pulled a joint and a lighter out of his pocket, offering them to Y/N. One notable thing about JJ was, when he was sparking up, JJ was always the one to light the joint. Never anyone else. Except Y/N. If it was just the two of them, he insisted on her getting to light. And the reason? The way the fire from the lighter lit up Y/N’s face with a bright, golden light. The way she inhaled around the joint. Even the way she exhaled the smoke did something to JJ. Something he tried to ignore. One time, he’d gotten a photo of her during this moment and secretly kept it in his wallet. If anyone saw it, he was prepared to play it off as “we’re just friends”. 

The two of them relished in the peace of the beach and the aroma of weed. They talked about so much and so little and everything in between. Y/N insisted she didn’t need a jacket before the party, but now that the sun was down and the body heat from the other partygoers was gone, she was freezing. JJ noticed, of course. 

“Here,” he took the hoodie he was wearing off and handed it to her. It was her favorite one of his, one she’d stolen many times before. Once she’d pulled it over her head, JJ couldn’t help but stare at her. The weed had made her eyelids heavier and her eyes were a little glossed over. There was a constant smile on her face as she basked in the night. He loved the way his hoodie looked on her. The way the moonlight shone on her face. 

“JJ?” she stopped whatever she was in the middle of talking about. 

“Hm?” he hummed in response. 

“You okay?” 

It was on the tip of his tongue. I love you. I love you. All he had to do was say it. I’m in love with you. Y/N’s eyes scanned his face. Her eyes were shining with the moonlight. She was beautiful. Maybe it was the weed and beer, but JJ swore she’d never been more beautiful. 

But he couldn’t tell her. He just couldn’t. 

“Yeah.” 

Y/N smiled wider. “Okay,” then, she rested her head on his shoulder. 

When the two of them returned to the Chateau, JJ spent the night staring at the ceiling and thinking. What would’ve happened? What would she have said? But, it was such a big revelation that could ruin their friendship, so JJ decided that he’d rather live with the uncertainty than live without Y/N. 

The first time that Y/N almost confessed was six months later. The two of them decided to have a beach day. Just them. The weather was perfect. The sun was out, the UV was eight, and there was a slight breeze. The perfect day. Y/N was sitting on a towel reading a book while JJ surfed. 

“Y/N! Look at this wave!” JJ pointed to a huge and perfect wave coming up. Before Y/N could react, JJ was paddling out. She stood up and walked closer to the water to watch him catch it. It was flawless and JJ was on an adrenaline high when he came back to the sand. 

“Holy shit! Y/N/N, did you see that?!” He shouted as he walked out of the water, tossing his board on the sand and running over to Y/N. He wrapped her in a hug, his arms around her waist as she wrapped hers around his neck and spun her around. 

“That was perfect, JJ!” She exclaimed as he put her down. Despite not being caught in a hug anymore, their arms didn’t move. They stayed there for a minute and Y/N studied JJ’s face. She could see all of the freckles that covered his face, his blue eyes were especially bright in the sunlight, a wide smile covered his face. JJ’s wet hair dangled in his face and she brushed it away. She could’ve said it right then and there. I love you. I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you this whole time. 

But, JJ’s had bad luck in the past with relationships and she didn’t want her confession of having been in love with him for three years to make it seem like their friendship wasn’t real. Because it was the most real thing in the world to her. 

“You did so good, J!” Y/N slid her hands from around his neck to around his arms, trying to move away so she didn’t say something she’d regret. 

It continued like this for a while. Every time one of them got close to confessing, they chickened out. And it started to weigh on them. To the point where Y/N told Kiara, which was a huge deal for her. Not only has she never told anyone who she is crushing on at the moment, but especially not that she likes JJ Maybank. 

“Okay, what did you want to talk about?” Kiara sat down on Y/N’s bed, setting her drink on the nightstand. 

“Um, well,” Y/N looked away from Kiara as she tried to formulate her words. “It’s about…JJ” Better to get straight to the point than anything. 

“Oh?” Kiara sat up straight at Y/N’s words. She pretty much already knew, but getting a real confession was exciting. 

“I guess…I guess I’ve sort of been in love with him..for a while.” 

“Finally!” Kiara exclaimed. 

“What?”

“Come on, Y/N. Seriously? It’s so obvious.” 

“Oh my god,” she buried her head in her hands in embarrassment. “Is it that obvious?” 

“It is, babe. It is.” The two girls laughed at Kiara’s words. 

“God,” Y/N sighed in exasperation. “What do I do about this? I mean, no Pogue-on-Pogue macking, so…” 

“I promise you, Y/N/N, no one will care. We all see how much you like him, and he likes you back. Tell him.” 

The day the confession finally came, neither of them had planned it. What they had planned, however, was a night at the Boneyard with the Pogues. They’d lit a bonfire, made hotdogs and s’mores. Each of them had a few drinks and a little to smoke. There was a late night walk along the water, a little bit of drunken karaoke, and an impromptu midnight swim. It was a perfect, chilly night with the friends that made Y/N’s life worth living. Eventually, the others had slowly wandered off, leaving JJ and Y/N alone. 

Neither of them noticed immediately, both of them lost in their own world as they watched the stars. They laid on their backs in the sand, a second joint being passed between them. Every once and a while, Y/N would point out a constellation or a shooting star. Their hands were next to each other on the sand and were slowly inching closer, without either of them noticing. Eventually, JJ wrapped his pinky around Y/N’s. It was simple. Grounding. Neither of them pulled away. In fact, Y/N intertwined their hands. Fully. They didn’t look at each other yet. Y/N’s heart was racing even faster now. She was going to say it. Now or never. 

“JJ?” 

“Yeah?”

“There’s…there’s something I want to tell you.” She sat up, legs crossed, and JJ followed suit. Their hands were still intertwined, Y/N messing with JJ’s fingers and rings. “Uhmm..” She bit her lip, trying to find the words to say. “I think I’m in love with you.” She didn’t look at JJ, keeping her eyes trained on his fingers. 

“Y/N-”

“I think I’ve been in love with you for a while.” She finally met his gaze, her eyes teary. Partially from fear, from embarrassment, and maybe a little bit of hope. 

JJ felt like his brain had short circuited. The girl that he’d been in love with for three years just told him she’d been in love with him for a while. But, suddenly, everything made sense. The lingering glances. The touches that lasted too long. All of the nights at the Boneyard, or at the dock, or out on the HMS Pogue when it was just them. Maybe he knew the whole time, but now she was telling him. 

JJ couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. His hand reached up to Y/N’s face, cupping her cheek and wiping away a stray tear that’d fallen. 

“Why are you crying?” He asked, still smiling.

Y/N scoffed, “Wh-why? I just…I’m scared. I mean, I just told my best friend that I’ve been in love with him for years so of course I’m going to be scared, J.” 

“You don’t have to be, Y/N/N,” his other hand laid on her knee, his thumb rubbing circles on her skin, “I’ve been in love with you from the moment you shared that sandwich with me in the principal’s office.” 

“Really?” Y/N’s voice cracked and a smile now graced her face. 

“Really.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“Same reason you didn’t. What we have is so special and I really didn’t want to lose it.”

“JJ, even if I didn’t feel the same way, I couldn’t imagine living a life without you.” 

“Well, you don’t have to.” The two of them just smiled at each other. Y/N kissed JJ’s palm, holding it to her cheek. JJ moved his hand from her knee to her waist, his thumb still drawing circles on the skin. “Can I kiss you?” he whispered, his breath fanning her face. She could smell the saltwater on his hair and the weed on his breath. 

“Please do.” Y/N sighed like a woman starved at his words. Words that she’d been waiting to hear for so long. JJ grinned and pulled her in, their lips colliding. It was everything they’d both wanted. The years of waiting, of wanting. It was gentle, but deep and passionate. It said everything that hadn’t been said yet. Y/N smiled against JJ’s lips and giggled slightly. They pulled apart and leaned their foreheads together. 

“What’s so funny?” JJ smiled. 

“Nothing. I’m just happy.” Y/N closed her eyes and kissed JJ again. Smaller and shorter this time. JJ grabbed her waist again, this time with both hands, and pulled her down on her back into the sand in a fit of laughs. His legs settled between hers, his arms holding him up as he peppered her face with kisses. They stayed like that for a while, tangled in the sand under the watchful eye of the moon and stars. Together. Happier than ever after three years of almosts. Of stolen moments. Of loving each other quietly. Now was changed forever into something so different, yet so familiar. It should’ve felt weird, kissing each other’s best friend. Crossing that line. 

Y/N and JJ Maybank were the closest of friends. They’d been inseparable for as long as everyone on Kildare could remember. It was always Y/N and JJ. At the dock. At the Chateau. They were simple. They were easy. Until sophomore year. Sure, they were still friends, but Y/N started dating. A Kook named Blake. He was…fine. And that was the problem. He was just fine. Polite. JJ thought Blake was incredibly boring. He wore pressed collared shirts. He said things like “my father’s firm” and “the family business”. He genuinely enjoyed golf, and that was enough for JJ. 

“You don’t actually like him, right?” JJ had asked one afternoon as they sat at the dock, passing a joint around. Y/N was braiding strings together into a bracelet and didn’t look up at his words. 

“Why wouldn’t I?” 

JJ just scoffed. “He plays golf.” 

“So?”

“Who enjoys golf?”

“You sound jealous.” She stated bluntly, a small teasing smile on the corner of her mouth. 

JJ choked on the smoke and handed the joint to Y/N. “Jealous? Of Blake? Please.” 

But, even with his dismissal, something tightened in JJ’s chest. And it scared him. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

At the beginning of Y/N and Blake’s relationship, nothing really changed. She and JJ still sat beside each other at bonfires. He still made her laugh the hardest like always. She still came to the boneyard. 

But now, there were gaps. Weird gaps. Blake picked her up from the beach, or from the Chateau. She sat with him at lunch. He was always at the Boneyard, only now he was holding her hand. JJ hated how much he noticed it. He didn’t hate Blake. Not really. But he hated the way everything made him feel.

Y/N told herself it was easier this way. Simpler. Blake was safe. Predictable. Comfortable. A distraction. One that didn’t come with the chaos or broken glass or police chases or JJ Maybank’s bright smile that made her forget how to breathe.  

Because JJ was…JJ. He was JJ. 

He was Loud. Reckless. Infuriatingly kind in ways that he didn’t even know. And the worst of all? He was completely unaware of what he did to her. 

So? She chose Blake. 

Or, she tried to. 

The first time it really hit her was during a party somewhere on Figure Eight. Blake had his hand on her waist as he led her through the crowd. Everything felt normal. Fine. Until she looked across the room. 

Across the room, JJ was laughing at something John B said. His head was tilted back, drink in hand. His hair was perfectly sun bleached and messy, his biceps perfectly and annoyingly toned in his muscle tee, and a light sunburn graces his shoulders and cheeks. He was alive in a way that made Y/N’s heart ache. 

And for a split second? Blake’s hand wasn’t on her waist anymore. It was JJ’s hand. And his laugh wasn’t echoing from across the room. It was in her ear. 

“Y/N?” Blake’s voice pulled her back and she blinked hard. 

“Sorry,” she shook her head. “Just..just dizzy.” .

It didn’t stop after that. In fact, it got worse. Way worse. Every time Blake kissed her, she thought about JJ. Every time Blake touched her hand, she thought about JJ’s hands; warm and rough and always, always there. Every time Blake said her name softly, she heard JJ’s voice shouting it across the dock instead. 

It was small at first. Ignorable. She just had to focus on Blake. But, then it started to hurt. Deep in her chest, because she realized something she didn’t want to admit to herself. She couldn’t distract herself from it. As perfect as her relationship was with Blake, the distractions weren’t working. She was only thinking about him more. 

Eventually, she’d had enough. Enough of the secrets. Blake was too nice to keep lying to. The couple was in Blake’s car outside Y/N’s house after dinner. It was a normal, peaceful date. And for the majority of it, Y/N was with Blake, not JJ. But, when he leaned in to kiss her goodnight, she froze. And for the first time in nearly six months, she didn’t even try to pretend. She pulled away abruptly. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Blake frowned. 

“No,” she replied quickly. “It’s me.” She looked into his eyes. His kind green eyes that never really did anything wrong. “I just…I can’t do this anymore.” 

“Do what?” 

“This. Us. I…it just doesn’t feel…” Right. She wanted to say right. And that was true, but it was too harsh. And Blake was too nice. 

“I see.” 

“I promise it’s nothing you did. You were-are, you are great.” 

“There’s someone else, isn’t there.” Blake answered quickly. Y/N sighed, giving him his answer without saying anything. “It’s that Pogue, isn’t it? JJ?” 

“I’m so sorry, Blake. Truly, I am.” 

“Yeah, okay.” He didn’t say anything else. Y/N slowly fumbled for her purse, stuffing her phone inside before turning to Blake. She gave him a goodbye kiss on his cheek without saying anything and then left his car. But she didn’t go inside her house. She started walking. 

When Y/N arrived at the Chateau, she could see the light in “JJ’s” room was on. But, on the other side, she could see the silhouette of JJ Maybank sitting at the end of the dock.

“Hey you.” Y/N announced as she approached JJ. 

“Hey, Y/N/N!” JJ smiled at the sight of her, scooting over slightly and holding his pen out for her. “How was your date?” He asked. Y/N coughed as she inhaled the smoke from the pen.

“Well…uh…we-we broke up, actually.” JJ sat up straighter at her words. Partially from concern, but also from a little excitement. 

“Are you serious? Y’all seemed fine, what happened? Did he do something?”

“No! No, nothing like that. It just…something wasn’t right. For me.” Y/N’s heart was thumping so loud in her chest she was sure he could hear it. “He wasn’t right for me.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Everytime we were together, I kept imagining he was someone else.” She admitted. “Someone like…you. And I guess I dated him to ignore those feelings.”

“You were thinking about me? For six months?” 

“Everytime I was with him. Every time he touched me, I-” Her voice was shaking. “It was you. Always you.” JJ didn’t move. He didn’t speak or breathe. “I tried to make it go away, but it didn’t.” 

A long pause fell between them, then JJ let out a small chuckle. 

“You’re kidding me.” 

“I’m not.” Y/N was embarrassed, quite frankly. JJ stared at her as if everything in his life finally made sense. 

“You’re telling me you were thinking about me the whole time you were with him.?” 

“That’s what I said.” She scoffed dryly. 

“Okay,” he muttered. “Okay, that’s…that’s insane.” 

“JJ-”

“No, I mean-” He cut her off, scooting closer. Now, their legs were touching. And it was actually JJ this time. “I hated him.” 

“What?” Y/N blinked hard. 

“I hated him. I know I said I didn’t, but I did. I could not stand him.” 

“Why?” JJ stared at her for a second.

“Because I was jealous.” He admitted quietly. Those words hit her harder than she expected. 

“Jealous?” She echoed his words. 

“Yeah. Of him. Of anyone who got to be close to you like that.” Her breath caught in her throat at his words. “I just didn’t think I had a right to say anything.” JJ looked out to the marsh. 

Another silence fell between them, but this one felt different. 

“You’re really telling me you were thinking about me?” She hummed in response. JJ exhaled in relief. “Well, that’s kind of perfect.” 

“Perfect?” 

“Yeah,” JJ turned to look at her, their eyes meeting once more. The sun set behind them, casting a golden glow over everything. “Because I’ve been thinking about you too.” Y/N felt like her heart stopped completely. “For years.” 

The two of them were closer now. Y/N could feel JJ’s breath fanning on her face, the faint smell of beer mixing with mint gum. 

“Years?” 

JJ laughed dryly. “Yeah.” JJ lowered his head, his eyes going straight to Y/N’s hands in her lap. “You know how hard it was watching you with him?” 

“JJ-”

“No, seriously. You’d show up holding his hand and I’d have to act normal about it. Like i wasn’t losing my mind every single time he touched you.” 

Y/N let her hand graze his knee. 

“I thought you didn’t care.” JJ stared at her like she was crazy. 

“Y/N, I’ve always cared.” His voice cracked, and the honesty in it nearly broke her. And suddenly, everything made more sense. JJ getting irritated every time Blake showed up. The way he’d shut down whenever she talked about dates. How he always looked at her for a little too long. 

“Are we stupid?” She whispered. 

“Incredibly.” JJ chuckled. 

Y/N looked into his blue eyes. “I wasted so much time.” 

“No,” he shut her down. “You were figuring it out.” 

“And what if I figured it out too late?” 

JJ didn’t hesitate. “You didn’t” 

And then he kissed her like his life depended on it. Like he’d been waiting for it. It wasn’t rushed or messy or too rough. It was perfect and gentle and warm. One of JJ’s hands found her cheek while the other snaked around her waist and Y/N melted into him instantly, her hands found the nape of his neck and his bicep. 

This. This is what had been missing for so long. JJ kissing her under the rising moonlight with the cicadas buzzing around them. It felt so right. 

When they finally pulled apart, their foreheads rested together, their breathing heavy. 

“You dumped a rich guy for me.” He whispered. 

“I did.” She smiled against his mouth before giving him another quick kiss. “So worth it.” 

The two of them just sat there in silence, basking in their presence and the peacefulness of the moment. It didn’t take long before Y/N busted out in laughter. Mostly from relief but also from an overwhelming amount of love. She felt so much love for the boy in front of her it was unbelievable. JJ joined in on the laughter, even if he didn’t know what it meant. 

The fight started from nothing. It wasn’t really that big of a deal, and that was the worst part. One second, the Pogues were all sitting around the fire at the Château, laughing, drinking, passing a J around. Pope was cooking hot dogs over the fire while JJ kept it lit. One minute, everything was perfect and normal. The next? Y/N was storming down the dock with John B hot on her tails, shouting her name from behind. 

“Would you please just slow down for one second?” 

“No.” 

“Okay, you don’t even know what you’re mad about!”

Y/N stopped dead in her tracks, catching John B so off guard that they collided slightly when she turned around to face him. “Are you serious right now?” She took a step back. 

“You disappeared with Sarah for like an hour.” She snapped. “Again.” 

John B’s eyebrows furrowed with confusion. “She needed help with something.” 

“You always say that.” 

“Because it’s true!”

Y/N laughed bitterly, crossing her arms around her. “Right, right.” Y/N turned around, leaning against the dock railing, the marsh just as still as ever as the sun dipped below the horizon and her hair blew gently in the wind. John B watched her for a long minute before his expression shifted from annoyed to confused. 

“Wait…” John B leaned against the railing next to her. “Holy shit. You’re jealous.”

Y/N’s stomach dropped at his words. 

“No, I’m not.” She said defensively. 

“Yes, you are.” 

“I am literally not.” 

A grin slowly spread across his face. “You are so jealous.” 

Y/N shoved his shoulder hard enough to wipe the smile away. “Maybe..Maybe I’m tired of watching you fall in love with every girl on this island!” The words came out before she could stop them. 

And then it was silent. Really silent. Like everything in the world quieted down to listen to their conversation. John B just blinked at her. “What?” 

“Forget it.” Her face flushed and she started walking further down the dock. John B didn’t follow immediately, but began walking when she sat down, legs hanging over the edge.  

“No, no-hold on.” He sat down next to her. “What does that mean? 

“Nothing. It means nothing.” 

“You don’t yell and-and storm down the dock over nothing.” Y/N looked away from him and back out to the marsh. And for John B, that was his answer. 

“Hey,” his voice softened, his hand going to Y/N’s shoulder. 

“Don’t.” She shook his hand off, looking the opposite direction of him. 

“Why?”

“Because if you look at me like that, I’m gonna say something stupid.” She finally turned to look at him. Really look at him. John B. Her best friend. Favorite person. The one person in the world she was never supposed to fall for. The dimming golden light cast John B in a beautiful haze, the blonde in his hair brighter than ever, his freckles darker. 

“You like me?” He whispered. 

She laughed dryly, tears of embarrassment filling her eyes. “Wow. The great John B Routledge finally figured it out.” John B was quiet, not knowing how to respond. “You seriously didn’t know?” She asked. 

“No, no I didn’t.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I thought you just…I thought that’s just how we were.” 

“How who was?”

“You and me.” 

Y/N’s heart ached. Maybe that was the problem. Y/N and John B had always been something impossible to define. They were just too close to only be friends. But too scared to become anything else. She swallowed hard before responding.

“Forget I said anything.” She turned to fidget with her fingers, picking at her peeling nail polish and twisting her ring. The ring John B got her for her 16th birthday. 

“Don’t do that.” 

“Do what?”

“Pretend you don’t mean things because you’re scared.” 

Y/N’s head snapped up, eyes meeting him. “I’m scared?”

“Yeah.” 

She just stared at him in disbelief. “You’re unbelievable.” 

“And you’re avoiding the conversation.” 

“Beacuse there shouldn’t even be a conversation!”

“Why not?” 

“Because if this goes badly, I lose my best friend” Y/N’s voice cracked, tears now flowing down her cheeks. From the fear of losing John B, the vulnerability, the embarrassment. Silence fell between them again. This time, it was charged. Y/N’s heart was beating so fast she thought it’d fall out of her chest. For a minute, neither of them moved. 

“..Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was quiet again. Barely above a whisper. Y/N just looked at him helplessly. 

“The same reason you didn’t tell me,” she whispered. “I didn’t want to lose you.” John B’s expression fell. He knew. They both did. The lingering touches. The jealousy. The countless nights spent together. The way he always looked for her first in every room. And suddenly, everything made sense. Y/N’s heart skipped a beat. 

“Wait-”

“God we’re idiots.” John B laughed, shaking his head. 

“You-”

“I’ve been in love with you since we were thirteen.” 

“What?” 

“I’m serious.” John B’s hand went to Y/N’s leg. “I just figured if I said something about it, that you wouldn’t feel the same, and that I’d lose you. And I couldn’t lose you.” Y/N felt like her world had been thrown upside down. All this time.

“You liked me while I watched you flirt with literally every girl on the island?!”

“I was trying to get over you!” John B put his hands up in defense. 

“That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Y/N buried her face in her hands while laughing. John B’s face softened immediately at the sound. “There she is. There’s my girl.” His words seemed to lift every weight off of her chest and her smile shifted into something smaller. Shyer. 

“Yeah?” She asked, lifting her head back up to look at him. 

“Yeah.” Without another word, John B cupped Y/N’s face and kissed her. It was deep and filled with pent up emotion. He tasted like saltwater and beer and she tasted like weed and cherry chapstick. And it was perfect. Y/N’s hands found John B’s hair as the kiss continued, the wind picking up ever so slightly.

The two broke apart for air, their foreheads pressed together. 

“I’ve been wanting to do that for so long.” John B sighed.

Y/N snorted, “You’re the one who kept flirting with everyone.” 

“Hey, you dated that surfer guy for two months.” 

“That was strategic.” 

“That was painful.” 

Y/N laughed again, this time lighter and happier and John B’s heart fluttered again. 

“So what now?” She asked. 

JJ Maybank was known for his recklessness. He was both selfish and selfless at the same time, if that was even possible. He did what it took, no matter the consequences. For anything. And this time, “anything” meant Y/N. 

He’d been on Figure Eight, helping the Heywards with some deliveries at the Country Club. Kooklandia. He was following Pope inside, towards the kitchen when he heard her name in a conversation. JJ’s gait slowed and his ears perked up. 

“Have you seen her lately?”

“I know, man. I don’t know what she started doin’ but it’s workin for me.”

“Dude, I’ve got to get in that. Her body…man…” 

It was like something ignited in JJ as he heard the way they talked about Y/N. 

“What’d you say, man?” He stormed up to their table. It was three Kooks JJ had never met before. 

“Hey, bro, this doesn’t concern you-”

“Y’know, I think it does when you’re talking like that about Y/N’s body.”

“What is she, your girlfriend?” JJ hesitated for just a second, inviting the Kook to keep running his mouth. “No? Well, then, I just might have to get a feel.” 

JJ basically blacked out after that. Punches were thrown. All four boys ended with a black eye or two and a split lip. Bruises scattered their bodies. JJ was thrown out of the Country Club at the end of it and met up with Pope at the dock. 

“Holy shit, JJ. What the hell happened in there? You disappeared.” JJ hopped on the boat as Pope started it and pulled out of the dock. 

“These Kooks were…talking about Y/N.”

“Talking about her? How?” 

“About…her body. It was disgusting.” 

“Jesus Christ, man.” Pope didn’t know what to say after that because, frankly, he would’ve done the same. The ride to drop JJ off at the Chateau was silent with him sprawled out on the seats of the boat trying to ignore the pain in his body. Pope wished JJ a good night before riding back to his house. 

Y/N often slept at John B’s house seeing as her house was not exactly her favorite place, so JJ knew she’d be in the spare room they often split. The sun was dipping below the horizon and he could smell dinner wafting out of the Chateau, courtesy of Y/N. Her back was to the door when JJ entered, her hips swaying softly to the music playing from her speaker. 

“Dinner’s almost ready!” JJ couldn’t respond, the pain becoming increasingly unbearable, so he just let out a small groan in response. This made Y/N whip her head around, spotting JJ and noticing the bruises on his face. 

“Oh my God, JJ!” She dropped whatever she was holding and rushed over to him, her hands flying to his face and gently holding his cheeks. “What happened?” 

“Some Kooks…it doesn’t matter.” 

“It doesn’t matter? JJ, you look terrible! How long has it been?”

“I don’t know, okay. But this time- this time it had to happen.” 

“What does that even mean? ‘It had to happen’?”

“Just trust me, okay?!” JJ snapped, stepping back from Y/N.

She sighed exasperated. 

“You cannot keep doing this, JJ!” Y/N yelled back, pacing slowly in the living room while JJ walked to the kitchen to fix himself an ice pack. 

“I’m sorry, okay!”

“Sorry doesn’t fix everything, JJ! You keep hurting yourself on purpose!” 

“I couldn’t just let it be!” He still wouldn’t say what the fight was about, but Y/N just wanted him to stop fighting. 

“You’re not invincible!”

“I never said I was.” Y/N let out a sigh of frustration and turned away from him, raking her hands through her hair as her chest weighed heavy with anger and fear. 

“You scare me,” she admitted finally, her voice cracking. “Every single time you pull this shit, I can’t help but think that one day you’re not going to come back.” The room went quiet. “God! You don’t get it! You don’t think before you do things and then everyone else has to just stand around terrified that something is going to happen to you.”

JJ didn’t say anything. Tears welled in his eyes as they flowed down Y/N’s cheeks. 

“You make me so angry I want to scream,” she said shakily, “and I love you so much it almost tears me apart.” Y/N didn’t even realize she said that. Her breath hitched and her pulse quickened. But she couldn’t take it back. 

“You…love me?” 

“Y’know what? Just forget I said anything.” Y/N started walking out of the Chateau but JJ stopped her. 

“No,” he said quickly. “No, you don’t get to say that and then just walk away.” JJ’s breath quickened. JJ froze and didn’t know what to say. They just stared at each other for a moment. 

“You don’t have to say anything back.” 

“...good thing I want to.” JJ’s voice was quiet, almost unsure. Y/N’s head snapped up at his words. JJ’s expression had softened now, the bruises on his face blooming more and more. 

“I love you too,” he sighed. “I think I have for a while now.” The two were silent for a moment as JJ’s hand slowly cupped Y/N’s cheek and the other one snaked around her waist. Without words, JJ leaned down to kiss her. It was gentle, Y/N not wanting to aggravate his split lip. But it said everything they hadn’t said yet. The years of pent up emotion  and feelings. 

When they separated for air, the two pressed their foreheads together. 

“You wanna know what the fight was about?” JJ whispered. Y/N nodded. “It was about you.”

“Me?”

“These Kooks at the club were saying disgusting things and I just…I just couldn’t let that slide.” 

“J…You didn’t have to do that.” Y/N pulled away, but JJ’s hands were still settled around her waist. 

“Of course I did. Like I said, I love you. I’m not going to let some assholes from Figure Eight talk about you like that.”

She could hear faint voices beyond the walls-muffled, but definitely from the dining car. Peeta’s was the easiest to pick out, warm and steady. The others blurred together in a slurry of formality and fatigue. And alcohol. Lilah let her legs hang over the edge of the bed as she grounded herself. Her stomach turned. Not from hunger, but of what lies ahead.

Lilah sighed and moved to where she’d discarded her outfit yesterday and changed. Slowly, as memories of the Reaping, the train, and Haymitch’s careless words crept back into her mind. The fabric seemed tighter today, or maybe it was the knot of anxiety growing larger in her chest. She accepted that there was no use staying hidden there forever, so she smoothed her skirt with trembling hands, took a breath full of uncertainty, and followed the sound of voices. 

Through the window in the door to the dining car, Lilah could see the woman (whose name she still did not know) sitting in the chair she was in last night as she patted her face with powder. Haymitch and Peeta were sitting across from each other at the table, Haymitch looking at Peeta with disdain and Peeta looking at Haymitch with eagerness. 

“You’d freeze to death first.” “No, ‘cause I’d light a fire.” “That’s a good way to get killed.” “What’s a good way to get killed?” Lilah approached the table, interrupting their conversation. 

“Oh, joy. Why don’t you join us.” Haymitch grumbled. “I was just giving some life-saving advice.” 

“Like what?” Lilah slowly took the seat at the head of the table, in between the two. 

“I was just asking about how to find shelter.”

“Which would come in handy if, in fact, you were still alive.” Haymitch’s words panged in Lilah’s heart. She really was going to die. And soon. 

“How do you find shelter?” She repeated Peeta’s question, staring Haymitch down. 

“Pass me the jam.”

“How do you find shelter?”

Haymitch dropped his fork. “Give me a chance to wake up, sweetheart.” He pulled a flask from the pocket on his shirt. “This mentoring is very taxing stuff.” He took a swig from the flask and then poured some in the glass in front of him. 

“Didn’t you learn anything last night? Watching the reruns?” Lilah’s breath hitched. “This isn’t some little test. It’s not a game, sweetheart. You can’t outsmart it. It’s pure survival. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

“You could at least try to help! That’s what you’re-”

Before Lilah could finish her sentence, Haymitch slammed a butter knife into the table. The woman gasped. “That is mahogany!” Everyone ignored her. 

“You think you’re different from the others? Smarter? No one’s smarter than the Capitol.” Haymitch was silent for a moment. “You really wanna know how to stay alive? You get people to like you.”

Lilah cocked her head to one side, shocked by his answer.

“Well, when you’re in the middle of the Games and you’re starving or freezing, some water, a knife, or even some matches can mean the difference between life and death. And those things only come from sponsors. And to get sponsors, you have to make people like you.”

“There it is.” Peeta immediately said once Haymitch was finished talking. He rushed to the window opposite him and gazed out. The Capitol. 

The city stretched out before them in all its gleaming and excessive splendor. Towers that reached impossible heights, windows seemed to glitter in the sunlight like diamonds. The buildings were sharply angled and painted with bright, unnatural colors. Nothing like District 12 and the muted greys and browns. Everything about the Capitol screamed opulence, and yet, there was an emptiness to it. As if its beauty was a mask. 

Lilahs’ breath caught in her throat, both mesmerized and repulsed by the sight. It was a world she had never even imagined, much less belonged to, and for the first time since in her life she felt the full weight of the distance between her and her life back home. She wondered if anyone from District 12 had made it out here. Made it out of poverty and struggle. Or if they were simply meant to stay in the shadows and never dare to dream of excess. 

The view was cut by a tunnel, and once they came out on the other side, they were met with tons of people in elaborate and colorful outfits, much like the other woman on the train. Lilah was taken aback by their cheering, but Peeta wasn’t. He stood at the window, waving at them as they watched him like a zoo animal. Lilah tried to understand how he seemed so unaffected by it all. Maybe, somehow, he’d learned how to play his part; put on a mask and wear it without cracking. Lilah didn’t know if she could.

The train came to a full stop and silence fell over the four. The elevator music that was always playing cut off as an announcement crackled through the speakers, saying something about their arrival. 

Lilah swallowed hard, trying to prepare herself for the next steps. She glanced at Peeta, still standing by the window and still wearing a wide smile. He met her gaze, and for a moment, there was something vulnerable in his eyes. He knew, too, that whatever came next wasn’t going to be pretty. 

The doors opened with a hiss and they were greeted by a pack of Capitol Peacekeepers. Lilah felt her stomach lurch as they were ushered out and the sound of cameras and cheers filled the station. The sea of colorful faces and outfits blurred together, their gazes empty behind cheers. She heard the Peacekeepers refer to the woman on the train as Effie. Finally, a name. 

Effie stood nearby, a practically permanent smile fixed on her face as she led them down a sterile hallway in the Tribute Center. The scent of antiseptic and rose hung in the air and prickled Lilah’s skin with unease. She could feel eyes on her at every moment as they walked the halls. 

As if Effie could sense her inner monologue, she broke the silence

“Don’t worry. The doctors will take wonderful care of you.” She put a gentle hand on both of their backs as two large doors opened in front of them and a woman in a white coat and orange hair appeared. Lilah felt her stomach twist even more, but she said nothing. Peeta shot her a glance. His wide smile from earlier was gone and replaced with something serious, guarded. Together they walked in with the doctor. 

The room was large and full of sterile beds. All but two small sections were empty. One on the right and one on the left. Lilah was quickly ushered to the right, looking back at Peeta for a look of encouragement. They shared a fleeting glance of…something before the curtains closed. 

“Please remove your clothing and put this on.” The woman, not the original doctor, ordered and pointed to a blue paper gown on the patient bed. This woman was younger and Lilah could sense a twinge of nervousness in her mannerisms. Her pink hair was in two small buns on the top of her head and there were small gems interspersed. They caught the light when she moved. She was really pretty, prettier than the other doctor who’d completely changed her face somehow. She wore a lanyard from the Academy that read ‘Wisteria- Style Student’. Lilah slowly stripped and tied the blue gown in the back. 

“We have to scrub you and remove your hair. Legs, arms, face, the works. Make you presentable for the audience.” She may have been nervous, but she was very clearly Capitol. Every aspect of her, from her movements to her exaggerated smile, was polished and perfected. Lilah didn’t know if she realized that she was working on a real person and not some practice dummy. Wisteria got to work scrubbing every part of Lilah’s body, then waxing her legs, arms, underarms, and detailed work on her face. There was no warmth in her hands, only clinical, practiced precision. It was the most vulnerable she’d ever felt. Exposed under bright white lights and stripped away of every edge and remnant of home. Every layer peeled and washed away almost felt like a piece of who she used to be being ripped away from her. 

“Alright, all done! Cinna will be here momentarily.” Cinna? Before Lilah could ask any questions, Wisteria was gone and she was all alone leaving only perfume. Lilah was alone. Alone in a cold, white room with her legs and arms smoother than she’d ever had. Her fingers lightly ran over her forearm, still tingling from the unfamiliar wax. It didn’t feel like her anymore. She could feel District 12 slipping away with each person she meets. The silence of the room buzzed in her ears and she folded her arms across her chest, not for warmth, but to feel something solid. Something she could still claim as her own. 

“There’s my girl.” A man walked in the room. His voice was an immediate comfort, full of more warmth than Wisteria’s. He had multiple earrings, his hair was short and the outfit simple. A breath of relief. “I’m Cinna.” He shook her hand

“Lilah.” She gave him a small smile. 

“I’m sorry that this has happened to you, and I’m here to help you in any way I can.” Warmth spread in Lilah’s chest. 

“Most people have just congratulated me.” She scoffs dryly. 

“Well, I don’t see the point in that. So tonight, they have the Tribute Parade. I’m going to take you out and show you off to the world.”

“So you’re here to make me look pretty?” 

“You don’t need any help with that. I’m here to help you make an impression. Usually they dress people in the clothes from their district.” “Yeah, we’re always coal miners.” Lilah remembered the outfits from the past years. Boring, in comparison. 

“Yeah, but I don’t want to do that. I wanna do something that they’re gonna remember. Did they explain about trying to get sponsors?” Lilah almost laughs at the memories of Haymitch’s outburst earlier. 

“They did, but I’m not the best at making friends.” 

“We’ll see. I just think that someone this brave shouldn’t be dressed up in some stupid costume, now should they?” Cinna toyed with Lilah’s long brown hair. 

“Thank you.” Her voice was quiet, overcome with Cinna’s kindness. They moved to a more secure room with more space and filled with outfits and makeup. 

The prep team began bustling like hummingbirds, moving in swift motions as they pinned, measured, and muttered in bursts of Capitol dialect that Lilah couldn’t make out. She was used to the Covey and those in the Seam having weird ways of talking, but for some reason it hadn’t crossed her mind that those in the Capitol would too. Lilah stood still, arms raised slightly as she tried to ignore the exposure, despite the lavishness around her, something she should be relishing in while she could. 

Cinna stood nearby, calm and focused as he flipped through sketches and swatches with precision. Peeta was somewhere in the room next door. She could hear the occasional murmur of conversation through the thin walls, followed by bursts of laughter from his prep team. Of course he was charming them. He always knew what to say. 

Finally, Cinna approached with a garment bag. 

“I think this will work for you,” he said. “It’s bold, but simple. Strong. That’s what we want them to see.” “What is it?” Lilah’s heart suddenly beating faster. 

He unzipped the bag slowly, revealing a sleek, coal-black bodysuit trimmed with subtle glowing embers that mimicked the edges of burning wood. It shimmered faintly in the light.

“It’s not technically fire,” he smirked. “But it suggests it. You’ll walk out like you’re made of the same thing the Capitol takes from your home every day. Fuel.”

The next time Lilah saw Peeta, Effie, and Haymitch was when the four of them were surrounded by the other tributes as they prepared for the Parade. There was a splattering of pink, gold, blue on grey marble. Stylists rushed around to make sure their tributes looked the best as Cinna calmly explained the fire aspect of the outfits to Lilah and Peeta. 

“Okay, this is safe. I promise. It’s not real fire. These suits are built so you won’t feel a thing.” 

“Looks pretty real to me.” Peeta commented. 

“Well, that’s the idea. You ready?” Cinna began moving, stopping by Lilah. “Don’t be afraid.” “I’m not afraid.” She responded, but it wasn’t convincing. 

Shaking, she and Peeta stepped on to their carriage. Their entire ensemble, from the horses to the beads in Lilah’s hair, was black. Like coal. Lilah looked straight ahead and could see the District 11 tributes in front of them. Both in shades of blue and grey. The girl was tiny and had to be twelve years old. The crowd outside was bustling with excitement as the Parade began. 

All of the pairs before them were waving and smiling as they trotted down the Avenue of the Tributes. Once District 10’s chariot began moving, Lilah felt the need to throw up. She wasn’t going to, that wouldn’t make her any friends. But boy did she want to. The whole idea of this…spectacle was barbaric, but she had to play along. Cinna pressed a button from his location in the audience and flames burst from the black bodysuits. The horses jolted and began their walk. Once she and Peeta made it out into full view of the crowd, the cheers got louder. Lilah and Peeta were overwhelmed by the amount of people in the stands, some of them standing and cheering their names, all of them drunk. 

The two of them glanced at the banners that broadcasted their faces. Peeta turned quickly, and silently reached for Lilah’s hand. She pulled it back in shock. Not fear. 

“Come on, they’ll love it.” He urged her. She didn’t not want to hold his hand, but apparently it came across that way. The two intertwined their fingers and held their hands above their heads. Maybe it was the fire, but Peeta’s hand felt comfortingly warm against Lilah’s. 

The chariots made it to the cul-de-sac at the end of the avenue where President Snow was waiting. He stood, menacingly, at a grey podium. His suit was a dark maroon and purple and a white rose sat under his collar. The second Lilah and Peeta’s chariot stopped, the flames dispersed and they dropped their hands to listen to Snow. 

“Welcome,” his voice echoed through the stands. “Welcome. Tributes, we welcome you. We salute your courage and your sacrifice. And we wish you a happy Hunger Games, and may the odds be ever in your favor.” The crowd erupted into cheers as Snow finished his speech and the chariots departed. 

When the two arrived back at the Tribute Center where everyone was dismounting, they were immediately met by Cinna and Effie. 

“That was amazing.” “We are all anybody’s going to be talking about.” Haymitch appeared at Effie’s shoulder. 

“So brave.” 

“You sure you should be near an open flame? You look rode hard and put away wet.” The words came out of Lilah’s mouth before she could think. It’s how she talks to family back home, but Haymitch was not family. But, she wasn’t wrong. 

“Fake flame. What the hell are you talking about?” His question died off as he caught the eye of another tribute behind them. Cato from District 2 was eyeing the group. 

“Let’s go upstairs.” Haymitch ushered. 

The group walked indoors and to the elevators. The doors slid open with a chime. The floor inside was polished marble that gleamed under the lights. Lilah walked beside Peeta in silence trying to steady herself on her trembling legs. She didn’t know if it was from adrenaline or nerves. 

She kept her eyes forward, not looking at anything, just trying to keep steady. She ignored the comments Effie kept making and the Capitol people she could see outside the window. When they left the elevator, every step felt surreal, like she was walking in someone else’s body. The further they moved through the Tribute Tower, the more extravagant things became. Ceilings got higher, lights were floating, flowers were everywhere. And it was quieter. Finally, the buzzing in her ear that hadn’t stopped since the Parade was gone. She was exhausted, but way too wired to relax. 

“So, each of the districts get their own floor. And because you’re from 12, you get the penthouse!”

The doors opened to reveal an apartment that could fit Lilah’s house ten times over. She didn’t even know what to think. Everything was spaced out. The chairs in the dining room were weird and a snot-green color. The stairs weren’t connected to each other. There were fake trees and rocks in random spots. Light fixtures with odd shapes hung from the ceiling. And in the corner were two people in red, their faces down. Avoxes. Prisoners with their tongues cut out. 

“Your rooms are over there, why don’t you go clean yourselves up a little before dinner?” Effie suggested. 

Lilah’s room was nothing she’d ever known. The moment she stepped inside, she felt swallowed by the size of it. It was larger than the entire upstairs of her house back home. The walls were a dove grey with subtle patterns printed on. One side of the room was made of glass, but appeared dark. The bed was massive and way too big for one person. The blankets looked like spun silk and the pillows looked like they’d burst when she laid on them. On the wall in front of the bed there was a fireplace with a projection of fire itself. Convincing, though. It was somehow warm. Everything smelled faintly of roses, like an engineered scent was pumped through the air. 

Lilah moved to sit on the bed facing the glass wall. On the bedside table was a remote she thought would open blinds or shutters. Instead, when she pressed a button, a bright projection of a Capitol street appeared. Pressed the button again, and the ocean. Once more, she arrived at a golden meadow. It was her meadow. The sun was just about to dip below the horizon and if she stood close enough she could convince herself she was there with Alaska and Callen. 

A sound from the main area of the penthouse broke her out of her trance and alerted her to dinner, and the fact that she hadn’t changed. In the chest of drawers was another pair of black sweatpants and a green sweater. She smiled at the sage color of it and pulled it over her head. 

The table was set with shining silverware, fine china, and enough food to feed an army. The four sat and ate in silence, the only sound coming from the soft clink of their utensils. Lilah picked at her food, eating it slowly in small bites. 

Peeta was the first to speak. “So…what do we do now?”

Effie flashed him a bright smile, but that didn’t hide the concern in her eyes. “You both do your best to be noticed, of course. The Capitol will want to see you and remember you. Sponsors are everything,” she took a look at Lilah and Peeta at the table and sighed. “We’ll figure out something, darling. We always do.” 

Lilah shot a glance at Haymitch as he’d barely lifted his head from his glass of whiskey. He swirled his cup lazily. “The Capitol’s good at remembering the dead ones, Effie. If we’re lucky, if, you’ll be a star instead of a statistic.” Effie’s smile faltered and she quickly turned her attention away from Haymitch.

She hadn’t been able to stomach the parade, crowd, lights, and relentless pressure of the day. She pushed her plate away. “You’re all so sure of yourselves, but nothing has changed. We’re still going into the arena.” Her voice was quieter than intended, but it still carried. Peeta met her gaze, sadness in his eyes before he flashed a smile.

“But we can still make an impact.

After dinner, Lilah excused herself quietly. The hallways of the penthouse felt endless, walls gleaming and cold. She didn’t know how long she had been pacing before finally finding her room, but it felt like an eternity. For a second, she thought she should try and get to know the building, but then realized she wasn’t going to be there for long. 

Once the door clicked behind her, the silence of the room swallowed her again. She stood there for a moment, staring at the bed like she was challenging it. The pillows seemed to mock her. And in the quiet, she let out a sob. The tears came quick, having been building all day. She didn’t let herself cry at The Reaping because the Capitol would just use it for entertainment. She didn’t cry around the doctors because she felt too numb. But now, it was just her. Her and her meadow. Through her tears, she took the sweatpants off, climbing into the unfamiliar bed and curled up. Lilah watched the meadow projection and listened to the faint sounds it made.

A bar called The Cellar was the place Lilah and her band frequented the most. It was known by very few, but kind people that still valued the music the Covey brought to the district and were searching for a safe haven amongst the death and destruction in the real world. 

“Hey, y’all! My name is Lilah Jade, this here’s Alaska Rose and Callen Grey and we’re here to sing you guys a few old songs our mama used to sing to us! Hope you enjoy ‘em!” 

Everyone’s born as clean as a whistle

As fresh as a daisy and not a bit crazy

Stayin’ that way is a hard row for hoein’

As rough as a briar, like walkin’ through fire.

The Cellar was still bustling and busy as the three started playing. The instruments that Alaska and Callen were playing barely started, so it wasn’t loud, but Lilah noticed that no one was stopping to listen. 

But, unnoticed by her, one person was listening. 

This world, it’s dark, this world, it's scary

I’ve taken some hits so no wonder I’m wary

It’s why I need you

You’re as pure as the driven snow

Peeta Mellark, someone Lilah had only known in passing, was entranced with the first words she sang.

Everyone wants to be like a hero

The cake with the cream or the doer not dreamer

Well, doing’s hard work, but it takes some to change things

Like goat’s milk to butter, like ice blocks to water.

He wasn’t even one to come to a tavern like this, but his best friend Katniss had dragged him to it after she’d stumbled in one day. 

“I swear, you’ll love it.” She’d said. 

Love it, he did.

This world goes blind when children are dyin’

I turn into dust, but you never stop tryin’

It’s why I love you

You’re as pure as the driven snow

More people had stopped what they were doing to listen to the band, and the energy was showing on Lilah's face. She loved performing and it’s hard when no one’s paying any attention. 

Cold and clean 

Swirling over my skin

You cloak me

You soak right in down to my heart 

Everyone thinks they know all about me 

They slap me with labels and spit out their fables

You came along and you knew it was lyin’ 

You saw the ideal me and, yes, that’s the real me

This world, it’s cruel with troubles aplenty

You asked for a reason, I’ve got three and twenty

For why I trust you 

You’re as pure as the driven snow

It’s why I trust you 

You’re as pure as the driven snow.

Applause rang out through the whole building. Peeta never let his eyes fall from the girl on stage, and Katniss noticed with a small smirk on her face. 

“Thank y’all! My mama calls that one As Pure as The Driven Snow, and I’m glad you liked it! My last song tonight is called “Nothing You Can Take From Me” Alaska and Callen started humming for a few beats before Alaska started. 

You can’t take my past

You can’t take my history

You could take my pa

But his name’s a mystery

Nothin’ you can take from me

Was ever worth keepin’ 

Oh, nothin’ you can take was ever worth keepin’

Can’t take my charm

Can’t take my humor

Can’t take my wealth

‘Cause it’s just a rumor

Nothin you can take was ever worth keepin'

No, nothin' you can take was ever worth keepin'

Lilah’s face spread in a wide smile as she danced around the stage with her guitar. Alaska was playing a double bass and Callen on a banjo, and it felt like she was on top of the world. 

Thinkin' you're so fine

Thinkin' you could have mine

Thinkin' you're in control

Thinkin' you'll change me, maybe rearrange me

Think again if that’s your goal

Can’t take my sass

Can’t take my talkin’ 

You can kiss my ass

Then keep on walkin’

Nothin’ you can take was ever worth keepin’ 

Oh, nothin’ you can take was ever worth keepin’

Nothin’ you can take from me is worth dirt

Take it ‘cause I’d give it free, it won’t hurt.

Nothin’ you can take was ever worth keepin’

No, nothin’ you can take was ever worth

keepin’

The beat seemed to waken something in the patrons at the bar because everyone was up on their feet dancing an old 12 line dance until the song ended. After a beat to catch her breath, Lilah bid her farewell to the patrons and the band started packing up their instruments as she went to the bar for a drink. 

The bartender smiled at her, giving her the usual on the house. She nodded at him with a smile before practically chugging it. Peeta definitely noticed that she happened to sit right next to him. Katniss nudged the boy before leaving her seat, despite his protests. 

Peeta cleared his throat. “You were really good up there.” Him speaking up startled Lilah slightly. 

“Why thank you,” She studied his face. “I haven’t seen you in here before”

Peeta chuckled. “Yeah, my best friend dragged me in here. But, I can say I will definitely be coming back.”

“Glad to hear it. I’m Lilah Greenwood.” She stuck her hand out. 

“Peeta Mellark.” He shook her hand. 

“Wait! Your family owns that bakery in town, right?” Peeta nodded. “I’ve been there before! Mama likes to get our bread from there.” 

“Awesome! I guess I can’t say the same for you, though. I haven’t heard of the Greenwoods.” 

“We live on the very edge of the Seam and keep to ourselves, as many Covey do.” She chuckled. 

“Covey?” 

“My people. It started as just a traveling music-based group a long time ago, but now it’s our family.” 

“Then why is your last name not Covey?”

“Covey is who we are, not our family name, if that makes sense.” Peeta didn’t really understand what she was saying, but he loved hearing her talk. She had a thick accent that not many people had anymore and it was music to his ears. A semi-uncomfortable silence fell between the two. They both knew why everyone was out tonight. The Reaping was tomorrow, and they wanted to spend what could be their last day doing something fun. 

Just as they were both going to say something, the bartender shouted that they were closing up. Alaska and Callen had already headed home with the instruments, so Lilah was on her own. 

“Would you like me to walk you home?” Peeta asked. 

“I’d love that.” A small smile crossed Lilah’s face. 

. . . 

It was the middle of the year, so the weather outside was hot and muggy, making Lilah’s hair frizz up the minute she stepped back outside. It was getting dark, but the two could still make out the treeline in the dark blue of the sky. Peeta made sure he was on the side of the road and that Lilah was by the buildings, even though vehicles were few and far between. Both of the teenagers’ strides were short, trying desperately to delay the events of the next day. 

They made small conversation on the walk, trying to learn more about each other. Like they’re trying to absorb each other's presence incase fate had other plans for the two. 

“Well, this is me.” Lilah stopped at her house. It wasn’t large, but only the victor’s row houses were large in 12. Candles were on in the windows, and Peeta could see a lot of people inside. The smell of dinner wafted towards them. “Thank you, Peeta. For walking me home. And listening to me sing earlier.”

“Of course. Anyone would be a fool to not listen to your voice,” He smiled down at her. “I’ll…see you tomorrow, I guess.”

. . . .

Reaping Day. A day that everyone dreaded, but most of all the children. They had no idea if they’d be sent off to their deaths or not. And it’s not like they had a chance at winning, either. Not against the Careers. Lilah kept a stoic look on her face as she walked alone to the town center with everyone else. She checked in, they pricked her finger, and she found a spot amongst everyone else. 

A woman, extravagantly dressed, walked on stage. “Welcome! Welcome, welcome. Happy Hunger Games. And, may the odds be ever in your favor. Now, before we begin. We have a very special film brought to you all the way from the Capitol!” It was the same film they show every year, so Lilah had it memorized at this point. 

“I just love that!” The woman said at the end. “Now, the time has come for us to select one courageous young man and woman for the honor of representing District 12 in the 74th Annual Hunger Games. As usual, ladies first.”

Her heels clicked as she walked to the glass bowl filled with slips of paper, and as she walked back to the microphone with one in hand. 

“Lilah Greenwood”

Lilah’s heart stopped. 

“Where are you dear? Come on up. Well, come on up!”

It was like she was in a trance. Everyone was staring, and she couldn’t move. A peacekeeper walked to her, grabbing her arm and pulling her in front of him, forcing her on stage. 

“Alright, let’s have a big hand for the female tribute, Lilah Greenwood!”

No one clapped. 

“And now, for the boys.” The woman did the same, walking to the boys’ bowl this time. 

“Peeta Mellark.” 

No. No way. There’s no way. 

Peeta walked up to the stage, giving Lilah a solemn look. 

“Here we are. Our Tributes from District 12. Well, come on you two. Shake hands.” 

Lilah and Peeta reluctantly shook hands. Why should they be doing that when they’re about to have to kill each other?

“Happy Hunger Games. And, may the odds be ever in your favor.”

Lilah and Peeta were unceremoniously shuffled into the Justice Building and into separate rooms. They had five minutes to bid their final farewells to their families. Mira and August Greenwood, Lilah’s parents, along with Alaska and Callen rushed in. 

“Oh, my girl,” her mom immediately scooped Lilah into a bear hug, the tears flowing from everyone’s eyes. “You’re so brave. I love you so, so much.” Mira cupped her daughter's face in her hands before planting a kiss on her forehead and stepping back. August was not an emotional man, so his farewell was full of advice laced with love and concern. Alaska and Callen bombarded Lilah in a bone crushing hug full of kisses and tears. 

“Lilah, I want you to have this.” Mira said once the others had stepped back. She pulled something from the pockets in her dress. It was a small pin with a bird carved in it. “It was an old friend’s. It’ll protect you.” 

As quickly as the Peacekeepers rushed them in, they rushed them out. Lilah was alone in the room for a moment. It was solemn. She could feel the tension in the air. Then, the Peacekeepers once again rushed her to a car where Peeta and the elaborately dressed woman from the Reaping were waiting. Once the three of them got settled and the car started moving towards the train station, the woman began talking.

“You two are in for a treat! Crystal chandeliers, platinum door knobs, and it flies. We’ll be at the Capitol in less than two days.” her words were fading into the background as countless thoughts ran through Lilah’s head for the rest of the drive. 

The three of them were bombarded by other District 12 citizens as they hurried to get on the train. Lilah spotted many faces she knew in the crowd. Faces she’d never see again. The silver doors to the train car opened to reveal an elaborate dining car, the tables stacked high with food and drinks. The dining table was set with lavish dishware that sparkled in the sunlight. Lilah had never seen such opulence. Scared to mess anything up, she sat gently on the edge of one of the couches, fiddling with her skirt. 

The dress code for Reaping Day was to dress in your best. Lilah had no shortage of skirts, preferring them over pants, especially for performances. Her mom also passed a lot of them down, which had been passed down to her. The one Lilah chose today was ruffled. It stopped at her mid calf, exposing the brown lace-up boots she loved so much. The ruffles were shades of green, her favorite. Forest. Olive. Sage. With white lace on the edges. Around her waist was a thick brown leather belt, and her top was white with flowy sleeves. 

“200 miles per hour, and you can barely feel a thing,” the woman started up again as she joined Lilah and Peeta at the couches. “I think it’s one of the wonderful things about this opportunity, that even though you’re here, and even though it’s just for a little while, you get to enjoy all of this.” Lilah was shocked at how tone deaf this woman was. At the silence from Peeta and Lilah, the woman sighed. “I’m going to find Haymitch. He’s probably in the bar car.” Haymitch Abernathy won the fiftieth Hunger Games. The Second Quarter Quell. Lilah wasn’t around then, but since he was Twelve’s only living victor, she knew. 

The woman, Lilah still didn’t know her name, left her and Peeta in their silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but neither seemed to want to talk just yet. 

“Have you ever met him?” Peeta was the first to break the silence. “Haymitch?” Lilah wanted to talk to Peeta. She liked him. But the words weren’t coming out. She was still in shock as she gripped the fabric of her skirt. 

“You know, Lilah, he is our mentor. He did win this thing once. Look, you know, if you don’t want to talk, I understand, but I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting a little bit of help.” Clearly her silence method was coming off as rude rather than scared. If she opened her mouth, Lilah was afraid tears would fall before words and she’d be seen as weak. She almost managed the courage to say something when the door in front of them opened, revealing a very drunk Haymitch. Peeta eagerly sat up to meet him as he slugged in, one hand over his stomach. Maybe the alcohol wasn’t sitting right with the movement of the train. 

“Congratulations.” Haymitch sighed and strutted over to where the rest of the alcohol was stored. “Where’s the ice?” 

“I don’t know.” Peeta answered, confused. Haymitch took a seat in front of Peeta. “Okay, so….when do we start?”

Haymitch groaned. “So eager. Most of you aren’t in such a hurry.” 

“Yeah, I wanna know what the plan is. You’re our mentor. You’re supposed to go-” Sass laced Peeta’s words before Haymitch cut him off. 

“Mentor?”

“Yeah, mentor. You’re supposed to tell us how to get sponsors and give us advice.”

“Oh! Okay…embrace the probability of your imminent death, and know, in your heart, that there’s nothing I can do to save you.” Lilah scoffed at the man’s words.

“Why are you even here?” she remarked.

“The refreshments.” Haymitch brandished his glass of liquor. Lilah didn’t know what kind, but probably some rich, delicious, Capitol brand. Not like the white liquor and moonshine they had in Twelve. Peeta stood to take the glass out of Haymitch’s hand, but Haymitch kicked him back into his seat. 

“You made me spill my drink. These are brand new pants.” The two men stared at each other. “You know, I think I’ll go finish this in my room.” Haymitch left and Peeta, convinced that he could talk some sense into the old drunk, chased after him, leaving Lilah in the dining car alone. It was the fanciest room she’d ever been in. Flowers adorned many surfaces, the seats were blue velvet, and a chandelier hung from the roof. 

When she was younger, her and her siblings would venture into the merchant part of town and gaze at the fancier houses. Alaska was convinced that the three of them would get famous enough to own one of those houses. Lilah let her believe it, but in her heart she knew that they’d never leave the Seam. And here she was. Not only leaving the Seam, but Twelve altogether. Forever. 

Lilah assumed, and hoped, that the festivities of the day were done after no one returned to the dining car for an hour. She walked in the direction of the rooms, trying to remember which one was hers. Once discovered, she tried to find some other clothes to change into, feeling suffocated in her outfit all of a sudden. In a chest of drawers, she found a pair of black sweatpants and a black long sleeve shirt. The fabric was much nicer than what her family used. Soft, warm, and not see through. 

She couldn’t get herself to calm down, so Lilah wandered back into the dining car where there was a television. When she turned it on, it began showing Capitol footage of Caesar Flickerman reviewing old games. She couldn’t watch for long. The room fell into silence quickly and Lilah couldn’t get the images of the Games out of her head. Blood. Fire. A brick. Faces she didn’t want to remember. She sat in the heavy silence for a while, letting it wrap around her. The soft hum of the train reminded her, in a small way, of the wind blowing through the shingles of their house back home. 

Lilah curled her legs underneath her and tugged the sleeves of her shirt over her hands. The fabric was smooth against her fingers and felt warm in a discomforting way. Luxury wrapped around someone who’d grown up with next to nothing. But, it was welcome. Her thoughts wandered to her family. Alaska’s laugh, Callen’s piercing green eyes, her mother’s singing. She blinked slowly, her eyes falling heavy with sleep as the memory of home settled in her chest. 

Finally, when the silence grew too heavy and suffocating, Lilah stood and walked slowly towards her room. The hall was quiet and the only light came from the overheads lining like stars. She moved with caution, careful to not wake anyone despite the late hour. Inside her room was colder than the dining car. The bed was made neatly with crisp sheets, something she’d never had, and a thick blanket. She gently peeled back the covers and sunk into the unfamiliar softness. 

She lay on her side and watched the trees streak past through the darkness. She missed the mountains. Her mountains. Where there were no responsibilities or expectations. Slowly the tension loosened in her body and her breathing slowed. The rocking and humming of the train began to lull her to sleep, like in the dining car and at home during a storm. She clutched the blanket close to her chest.

Lilah drifted off between moonlight and motion with the shadows of fear still curled in the corners of her mind. Sleep still came. Not because she felt safe, but because she was too tired to keep holding her world on her shoulders. 

They say eyes are the windows to the soul. Put up blinds so mine would never show. 

My mind couldn’t grow without the sunlight.  So afraid to bloom, thought it was day in the dead of mine. 

Peeta Mellark didn’t know what love was. Real love. His parents may have been in love, once. But something changed and all he’d known was shouting and throwing things. At each other, and at him. He didn’t know what it was like to love someone like they were a breath of fresh air or how to see them and know your day was going to be okay. As a friend, or something more. It was foreign. And of course, love at first sight was something in the myths of old. 

So he didn’t know what he felt when he saw Y/N take the stage at The Cellar back in July. His breathing changed and his face got warmer. He was suddenly aware of every movement he made. And, when the two of them had to head into the Games together, nothing changed. He was scared to talk to her. Partially because of those foreign feelings but also because she was just cool. So he didn’t. For the most part. 

But you saw right through Every wall at your feet

Didn’t know what to do  Without my fears protecting me. 

Unfortunately for him, Y/N had a way of soaking into your body like a disease. A good one. She infected all parts of him. His thoughts were always of her and his body wanted to be near her all the time. She weasled her way into his mind and knocked down the walls he didn’t know were there. And it was terrifying 

But with time,  I invited you inside.  Into the world that existed it my mind

And you treated it with light And grace

The first time I looked kindness right in her face

Over time, the two got closer and closer. They’d tell stories of District 12 and how much they missed it. But it took time for Peeta to open up fully about his family. He was scared to. It was embarrassing that he couldn’t stand up for himself. 

When he did open up to her, she listened intently, like he was the only thing in this world. She reassured him that she was there and would always be there, no matter what. And that she wasn’t going to let anyone hurt him ever again. 

Peeta was convinced that she was kindness embodied. The way she was so kind and mature and gentle with everything that spilled out of him sometimes wanted to make him explode. She was perfect in his eyes. 

It was a sign There was more life Left to see

Took me by surprise You wanted to give your world to me

The two of them opened up even more to each other and embraced their pasts. They healed together. They weren’t lost or stuck anymore. When Y/N wanted to open up about how life in the Covey was, Peeta was there. 

It was new. It was scary. But it was comfortable. Safe. Both of them knew that everything was told in confidence and was just theirs. Every moment was theirs. 

Blink of the night And I lost control

Every fear alive replaced by the comfort of your soul

Not acting in my life Not putting on a show

For the first time I don’t have to try

To build someone  You’d want to know

Y/N knew that she shouldn’t trust Rafe and his friends, given their long and colorful history with the Pogues. But, and she hated to admit it, the texts were convincing. Rafe and Topper had brought Y/N’s attention to texts between the Pogues. Texts that exposed the bet they made on her. She got the screenshots while in the bathroom at the Chateau, the rest of the pogues out on the front porch talking about who knows what. 

Y/N couldn’t be there anymore. She couldn’t stand to talk to the people she thought were her family. She quickly washed her hands and grabbed her bag once she was out. Y/N braced herself for the plethora of questions when she bolted out. 

“Y/N/N, where are you going?” JJ asked when she reached the steps. 

“Home. Mom called.” Her reply was blunt as she hopped on her bike. 

“Oh. Alright. I’ll see you later, then?” JJ asked, as the two had plans later that day. All Y/N could do was give him a small smile before she rode off. 

“Did she seem alright to you?” Kie asked, worried about her best friend. 

“Definitely not.” John B answered, throwing back his beer. 

Salty tears clouded Y/N’s vision as she sped down the road towards her house. Was she right to believe Rafe and Topper? Y/N threw her bike down in the yard when she reached her house, wiping any tears off of her cheeks to avoid questions from her parents. The girl walked straight to the bathroom, splashing cold water on her face.

“Hey, sweetie! Your lunch is on the stove, I didn’t want it to get cold.” Her mom’s gentle voice greeted her from the living room. Y/N muttered a quiet thank you as she headed to the kitchen. It was like she was in a trance as she scooped spoonfuls of spaghetti on her plate. 

As Y/N was eating, JJ texted her. 

jj <3

hey, are we still on for 

tonight? you seemed 

off earlier.

The tears were threatening to spill again at the notification. What in the world was she supposed to say?

y/n :)

i’m okay, and still

good for later.

i do need to talk

to you though.

JJ had no idea what his girlfriend could possibly want to talk about. They were good, right? 

. . . 

Later that night, Y/N rode her bike back to the chateau. Her mind was racing as she tried to figure out how to tell JJ about the information. How do you even bring that up to someone? If it was true, she needed to protect herself, but if it wasn’t she didn’t want to offend JJ by believing Rafe of all people. 

JJ heard her bike hit the ground and walked quickly to the door, opening it before she had a chance to. 

“Hey, pretty lady.” JJ bent down and placed a gentle kiss on her lips, which she returned. “What did you want to talk about?” The two sat down on the couch. 

“Is John B here?”

“No, I have no idea where he went.” JJ noticed his girlfriend’s anxious behaviors; messing with her fingers, sitting on the edge of the couch, rubbing her legs. “Babe, what’s wrong? You’re worrying me.” 

Y/N didn’t say anything, just pulled her phone out. 

“Okay, before you say anything or get mad or start denying stuff, I need to talk. I got a text earlier…” 

JJ didn’t say anything, per her request, but gave her an expression to continue. 

“...from Rafe and Topper.” 

In a split second, JJ’s worried expression turned unreadable. He knew that Y/N came from a different world and that she’d known the two since diapers, but he didn’t think she actively talked to them. At least, no more than necessary. Y/N didn’t say anything, just showed JJ the texts. 

JJ was silent. Did she really believe that he and the pogues placed a bet on her ass? 

“Y/N, what the fuck? Do you seriously believe Rafe? Of all people?” Y/N tried to defend herself, but JJ just kept going. “After everything that he’s done to us, you’re siding with him? Of course this isn’t true, you know that! We aren’t like them.”

“Them?”

“You know what I mean, Y/N. 

“I don’t know, JJ! I don’t want to believe them, but I want to know! Did you or did you not-”

“Jesus Christ, Y/N.” JJ raked his hands through his hair in disbelief. 

“Did you or did you not make a bet on me?!” 

JJ looked like Y/N had just slapped him. Like a kicked puppy. 

“No.” he said bluntly. “No, I did not bake a bet on you, Y/N. Jesus Christ.” He ran his fingers through his hair. 

“Then what are these screenshots?” 

“Fake! They’re fake!”

“And how do you know that?” 

“Because those texts never happened! You can check my phone for Christ’s sake.” JJ snapped, slamming his hands on the kitchen counter. “You think I would make a bet on you like you’re some prize I have to win?”

“Well, JJ, I don’t know what to think.” 

“Apparently you think I’m capable of something like that.” 

Y/N crossed over to JJ. “Can you blame me for being upset? Rafe sent actual screenshots, J!” 

“Rafe Cameron also lies for fun!”

“I know that!”

“Okay, then why are we even having this conversation?”

“Because I needed reassurance, JJ!” Y/N was yelling now. “The second I saw those texts, I felt sick and humiliated and stupid and all I needed was my boyfriend to tell me that it wasn’t real!”

“You could’ve just asked me.” 

“I am asking you!”

“No, you’re not. You came in here already convinced.” JJ laughed bitterly. 

“That is not true.” 

“Then why do I feel like I’m defending myself in a courtroom right now?” Y/N opened her mouth to say something, but closed it before she did. She hated that part of him was right. JJ shook his head in disbelief, pacing slowly now. 

“This is unbelievable.” he muttered under his breath. 

“I didn’t want to believe them.” Y/N’s voice was quiet now, the screaming match seeming to fizzle out. 

“But you did,” JJ’s voice cracked slightly. “You believed Rafe Cameron over me.” 

“That’s not fair, JJ.” 

“No, what’s not fair is me spending two years trying to prove that I’m not like those assholes just for you to look at me like I’m one of them anyway.” 

A painful silence fell over both of them. The tears that had been threatening to spill out of Y/N’s eyes finally cascaded down her flushed cheeks, her heartbeat racing with adrenaline still. 

“You don’t understand what it felt like seeing that,” she whispered. “Reading those texts and wondering if everyone’s been laughing at me this whole time.” 

“No one’s laughing at you!”

“How do I know that?” 

JJ stared at her in shock. “Because you know us!”

Y/N angrily wiped the tears off her face. “Do I?”

JJ’s expression dropped and suddenly Y/N regretted everything. But the hurt she was feeling had been festering and burning all day, convincing her of the worst possible outcomes. 

“I know that you don’t really care about me,” she whispered, broken. “But thank you for trying to pretend that you do.” 

JJ looked like she’d kicked the air out of him. “What?”

Y/N could feel the regret, but she couldn’t stop now. “I mean, why else would this happen?” She was full on crying now. “Why would they even make those texts unless there was reason to believe them? I just– maybe I’m stupid for thinking that this relationship meant more to you than it actually does. That my friendship with the Pogues isn’t real.” 

“Y/N,” JJ’s voice was sharp, angry in a concerned way. Hurt. “Don’t do that.” 

“Do what?” 

“Act like I don’t love you,” His words hit hard. Y/N froze. JJ stepped closer, his eyes glossy with frustration. “You don’t get there and-and tell me that I don’t care about you after everything.”

“JJ-”

“No.” His voice cracked. “Do you know how insane I am about you?” Y/N could only stare at him silently. “I love you so much it actually scares me sometimes,” he admitted. “And yea, I screw up. I say dumb shit and I forget things and I’m a disaster half the time, but none of that means I don’t care.” 

Hot tears were flowing steadily down Y/N’s cheeks now. JJ didn’t look any better.

“I have spent every single day for two years thanking God that you picked me,” he said quietly. “So hearing you say that you think I’ve been pretending?” He shook his head. “That hurts like hell, Y/N/N.” 

Y/N covered her mouth with her hand because suddenly she could see it all clearly: Rafe’s manipulation, her insecurity, the way JJ looked genuinely devastated she could think that about him. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry.” 

JJ looked away for a second, swallowing hard. 

“I should’ve trusted you first,” she continued shakily. “I just panicked and I got in my head and-”

“And Rafe knew exactly what buttons to push,” JJ finished quietly. Y/N nodded miserably. Silence fell between them again. Softer, not as hot and angry this time. Then JJ stepped forward. Y/N looked up just in time for his hands to cup her face gently.

“I need you to know something,” he said softly. Y/N just nodded, inviting him to continue. “There is nothing fake about how I feel about you.” Y/N broke completely at his words, heavy sobs that she’d been holding back finally escaping her chest. 

JJ immediately pulled her against his chest, wrapping his arms around her while she cried into his shirt, her tears soaking in. 

“I’m sorry,” her voice was muffled. “I’m so sorry.” 

“I know, baby.” JJ pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I know.” 

After a minute, Y/N pulled back just enough to look at him. 

“You really didn’t make a bet?” 

JJ looked at her with an ‘are you serious’ look. “Y/N.” 

She let out a watery laugh. “Okay, okay.” 

“You’re insane.” 

“You still love me, though.”

“Unfortunately, yea.” JJ smiled when he heard Y/N laugh gently. “Kinda obsessed with you, actually.” 

The weather in the Outer Banks may have seemed rough and questionable to most Mainlanders, but to Y/N and John B, this was prime surfing weather. The swells were perfect, so the two of them waxed their boards and loaded them into the Twinkie before heading to get Pope and Kie. JJ had given them some excuse as to why he couldn’t join, which meant a lot considering how much of a die-hard surfer JJ was. 

The four of them arrived at the beach and carried their boards to the shore, standing and taking it in for a moment before paddling out. All of them caught some good waves here and there, but the storm-weather was picking up and they were all waiting for the inevitable big swell to come. 

And it did. It was perfect. Y/N immediately perked up when she spotted it, paddling closer before any of the others could. She stood up with masterful technique, standing on her board despite the rocky conditions of the water. She rode the wave for what felt like forever, salt water spraying her face. 

But something went wrong. Maybe she missed a spot on her board when waxing because she seemed to slip off, her board flipping and hitting her head before she splashed into the water. From the shore, all the remaining Pogues remember seeing is the pink board fly above the water before they all frantically paddled out to Y/N. 

“Y/N!” 

“Come on, Y/N/N! Where are you?” 

A chorus of panicked shouts rang out through the thunder and rain. 

“She’s not coming up, guys.” Kie’s voice was breaking. Without words, John B dove off of his board, swimming down to find her while Pope grabbed her board. John B finally returned to the surface with Y/N trailing behind him. He laid her on her board, lightly hitting her face to bring her back to the living. And it worked. Y/N coughed up water, turning to the side to spit it out. All of the Pogues breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Holy shit, Y/N/N.” John B sighed, flopping over her. The others joined on top, giving her the most awkward hug of her life. 

“Guys…can’t…breathe.” Y/N joked slightly, the others quickly getting off for fear of further injuring her. 

“How do you feel?” Pope asked. 

Y/N squinted, even the dark storm clouds hurting her vision. “Ow.” All of them chuckled and made the collective decision to paddle back to shore. About halfway there, Y/N mumbled something incoherent.

“What was that?” Kie asked. 

“JJ…where is he?” 

“He said he was helping out at the country club today. Deliveries.” John B relayed what JJ had told them. 

“Want…”

“What do you want?” 

“JJ…” The other Pogues questioned her insistence on seeing JJ a little bit, but it wasn’t totally out of the question, they were really close. 

When they reached the shore, John B hopped off of his board as Kie and Pope grabbed them all and loaded up the Twinkie. He picked Y/N up as Pope came back for her board and Kie prepared a semi-comfortable set up in the back. Before John B left the beach, he sent a quick text to JJ. 

y/n got hurt at the beach. she’s asking for you. 

we’re at the chateau. 

JJ felt his phone buzz in his pocket, calling out to the closest co-worker that he was stepping out for a minute. At the sight of John B’s message, the boy panicked. His fingers fumbled towards the call button, urging someone to pick up. 

“What the hell happened?” He questioned when the line connected. Pope’s voice rang out on the other end. 

“She slipped off her board, it wacked her, and she was under for a little while before John B got her out. There's a pretty gnarly cut on her forehead but she doesn’t need stitches.” JJ gave Pope a quick ‘I’m on my way’, hung up, and went to find his boss (for the day). 

“Hey, man, um. My girlfriend just got into a surfing accident and I need to-”

“Oh god, go! You’re good here!” 

“Thanks!” 

JJ made it to the Chateau in record time, most definitely breaking a few laws on the way. He stormed through the front porch door. 

“Where is she?”

“We’re back here!” Kie’s voice rang out from the spare room and JJ did not hesitate to follow it. Y/N was laying on the bed, Kie next to her with an ice pack in her hand. Pope and John B were seated on the floor by the foot of the bed. 

“Oh my god, Y/N/N.” JJ knelt beside her, stroking her hair out of her face and holding her hand. Y/N’s eyes fluttered open at the sound of his voice. 

“JJ..you came.” She smiled. 

“Of course I did. Did you think I wouldn’t?” The way they looked at each other made it feel like there was no one else in the room. And Kie picked up on it. She shared a suspicious look to the other two, a small smirk playing on all of their faces. 

“Nahhh..” All of them chuckled, she was clearly out of it from the accident. JJ brought her hand to his lips, placing a kiss on the back. 

“So, um, JJ,” Kie started. “Since when has this been going on?” She looked at him with a teasing smile. 

“Shit,” he sighed. This is not how they planned to tell everyone. “Like, two, three weeks? Not long at all and I swear we were going to tell you guys it just…”

“Just what?”

“We were scared, I guess? You know, no pogue-on-pogue macking. And I tried to ignore it, believe me I did. But I just couldn’t. And it just happened.” 

“Dude, it’s okay. You guys were practically married already.” John B joked. The other three Pogues decided to leave, letting Y/N rest and letting a blanket of silence fall over the room. 

“You told them.” Y/N stated, the most coherent thing she’d said in a long time. 

“There she is,” JJ smiled. “Yeah, I did. Kie figured it out first, though.” 

“I knew she would.” 

“Yeah. I’m sorry I just…did it, though. We wanted to do that together.” 

“J, it’s okay. I mean theres extenumating circumstances.” 

“Extenuating. And, you’re right. At least now we don’t have to hide.” 

“You can kiss me whenever.” Y/N smiled. 

“I can kiss you whenever, that’s right.” JJ planted a soft kiss to the uninjured side of her head. “How are you feeling?” 

KISS THE RADIO! was surely becoming an Outer Banks staple. Y/N was getting calls nearly every week asking them to play a variety of events. More times than not, the band found themselves at a dingy garage set up, but those were Y/N favorite. The Pogues came to every show. Y/N was on cloud nine. This particular show was in a small dive bar on the beach and it was right after the band had released their newest album, CHERRY COLA and  Y/N was feeling more nerves than usual. 

Y/N had known JJ Maybank for years, since she was nine. She’d known all the Pogues since then, but something was different with her and JJ. They just…worked. They clicked. And somewhere along the way, Y/N realized her feelings for JJ weren’t just platonic. And that’s where this album comes into play. Nearly every song is written about JJ. And this was the first time they were playing them. 

The lights went dark, the pre-show playlist faded out, and the crowd gathered around the makeshift stage. 

“Hello everyone!! How are y’all doing tonight?” The crowd cheered in response. Y.N made eye contact with her friends standing front row. 

“Alright, alright. That’s good to hear. Now, this show is super special because…” She looked around at her bandmates. “We have a brand new album!!! It’s called CHERRY COLA and this is the first time it’s EVER been played! The first song,” She took a deep breath. “Is called Back For You. I hope you like it.” The guitar started  and Y/N took a few moments before she began. 

Whenever I close my eyes, I picture you there. 

I’m looking out at the crowd, you’re everywhere. 

I’m watching you from the stage, yeah. 

Your smile is on every face now. 

Even though the crowd didn’t know this song, not even her friends, they were loving it. The energy was radiating off of everyone. Y/N was making a strong effort to divert her attention from JJ so that he, or the ever-observant Kie wouldn’t catch on. 

But every time you wake up, you’re hearing me say

Goodbye

Baby, you don’t have to worry

I’ll be coming back for you, back for you, back for you, you. 

Lately, I’ve been going crazy

So I’m coming back for you, back for you, back for you, you. 

I’ve never been so into somebody before

And every time we both touch, I only want more

So tell me nothing’s gonna change, yeah.

And you won’t ever walk away, yeah. 

Y/N pretty much blacked out whatever happened for the rest of the shows, her nerves slowly becoming confidence. 

JJ, though? He’d never paid more attention to anything. He’d never looked at Y/N like this. Never saw her in this light. He watched as she danced around the stage, the biggest smile permanently etched on her face. As she sang about kissing, touching, loving, he could only imagine those things with her. Pictures of them together flashed in his mind throughout the whole set, no matter how much he tried to get rid of them. That was Y/N. His best friend. He can’t feel that way about her. He couldn’t.

But he did. 

“Thank you so much everyone!” Y/N announced into the mic after the last song ended. “It’s been wonderful, and you’ve been wonderful! Have a great night!” She bowed, along with her bandmates, and hopped offstage to greet her friends who instantly hit her with a bone-crushing group hug. 

“Y/N/N, that was amazing!” Kie exclaimed into her ear, the rest of the group offering similar comments. Y/N quickly double checked with her bandmates, seeing if they needed help resetting the stage for the next act, but they quickly brushed her off, knowing how much she wanted to talk to JJ. 

The Pogues exited the venue, leaving their shoes right outside the door as they walked further down the beach. They all found a seat on some rocks nearby, lit a joint, and watched the waves roll in as they talked. They talked for a few hours, adrenaline radiating off of all of them. But, it slowly faded as they, one-by-one, called it a night. 

All but Y/N and JJ. 

Y/N stood from the rocks and walked further down the beach, JJ hot on her tail and joining her on the sand. This was the first moment of silence she’d had all day. A wide smile still etched on her face, but this time it was full of relief, of peace. 

“What’s got you all happy, Y/N/N?” JJ nudged her shoulder and she realized how close he was. She could feel blush creeping on her cheeks and ears as their legs brushed each other. 

“Just..everything. Being here with my friends, with you. The show went good, the album release was good. Just everything.” 

“The album sounds so good, Y/N/N. Seriously.” 

“Thanks, J.” Y/N smiled softly, fiddling with the tights on her legs. 

JJ had been working up the courage to say something, anything, about the way he felt tonight when Y/N spoke up again. 

“It’s about you, ya’know.” JJ’s head whipped up, looking at Y/N in shock. She was gazing out to the water, wind blowing gracefully through her hair. 

“What?” 

“The album. I wrote it about you.” 

“Why?” Y/N chuckled at his response. 

“And here I was thinking it was so obvious. I began writing this album almost a year ago. As I kept finding myself writing ‘love’ songs, I kept picturing you when I’d write them. And I didn’t understand for a while but I guess I finally do, and I’m okay with it.” JJ didn’t say anything this time. It was weird for him to be this quiet for so long. 

“Jesus Christ, JJ, do I have to spell it out for you? I like you. Like, like like you.” She stared into his blue eyes, searching for anything that she could take as a response. “This was my way of telling you.” He was still silent, eyes fused on Y/N’s face. But, Y/N was a chronic overthinker, so she kept talking. 

“I know it’s a lot and it was very bold and not as obvious as I thought it was, so you don’t have to say anything, but y’know it’d be nice if you di-”

JJ cut her off by grabbing her cheek and pressing his lips to hers. Y/N was taken aback at first but quickly kissed him back. Suddenly, JJ pulled back, an anxious look on his face. 

“Shit! I should’ve asked first, I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s okay, JJ.” “No, it’s not. I never do that, I swear, Y/N/N I’m so-” It was now Y/N’s turn to cut him off. Their lips met again, tastes of cigarettes, weed, and saltwater mingling between them. JJ’s hand cupped Y/N’s cheek while the other found her waist. Y/N planted one hand around his and the other in his hair as the kiss continued. 

When they separated for air, their foreheads placed together, breathless, JJ whispered, “ I can’t believe you wrote a whole album about me.” 

Y/N pulled back, covering her face with her hands in embarrassment. “Please don’t make me hear that out loud, I’m still embarrassed.”

“No, no,” JJ chuckled and pulled her hands away, intertwining their fingers. “I just think it’s kinda insane that you’ve been totally in love with me this whole time.” 

“You’re the one that just kissed me.” 

When Y/N reached Luke Maybank’s home, she could hear the sounds of arguing. The girl began running towards the commotion. Once the back porch came into view, she could see JJ and Luke shouting. Luckily, nothing physical yet. 

“JJ!” She shouted. Definitely a bad decision. Both turned their heads toward her and she stopped dead in her tracks. JJ could see his father start to make a move toward Y/N and his heart dropped to his stomach. JJ quickly moved to block Luke. 

“Who is this, your girlfriend? Does she know what a piece of shit you are? Huh?” Luke was up in JJ’s face at this point, the younger of the two determined to keep a straight face the entire time. 

“Who am I kidding, she’s probably just as worthless as you are.” Luke scoffed. He stormed off of the porch, down to Y/N. She tried to back up, but Luke was quicker. He grabbed her by the wrist, pressing down so tightly she began to lose feeling in her fingers. JJ’s face hardened, if that was even possible, at the sight of his father hurting his girlfriend. Y/N struggled against Luke’s grip to no avail. The man got up in her face, the smell of alcohol more present than she’d ever experienced. 

“Let me go!” She yelled. 

“Shut up! Shut up, you bitch!” Luke’s anger got ahold of him, landing a right hook on Y/N's face, then pinning her to the ground. His hands weren’t around her neck for long before JJ kicked him off of her. Y/N was recovering while JJ fixed the problem. 

The boy contemplated ending it for good, but knew that his life would end too. JJ’s mood quickly changed when he saw Y/N on the ground, cradling her wrist. 

“Hey, hey. Let me see.” JJ took her wrist in his hands, his touch as light as a feather. It was red, and Y/N winced whenever she rotated it. 

“It’ll be bruised, but you’re okay. How’s your neck?” Y/N tilted her head back slightly so JJ could get a better look. At the sight of the red line, JJ could feel his heart break into a thousand pieces. He did everything he could to protect Y/N, and it failed. He failed. JJ stood back up, turning his back to Y/N so she didn’t see the tears. 

“JJ?” She stood, reaching to put a hand on his back, but he flinched. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay. Let’s just go back to John B’s, alright? We both need sleep.” JJ stayed silent, but agreed. He took Y/N's good hand and they walked to his bike.

The chateau was empty when the two arrived, which was beginning to be a normal occurrence. Y/N began to drag JJ into the bathroom to clean his wounds, but the boy insisted they just go to sleep. 

. . . 

When Y/N woke up the next morning, JJ wasn’t in the bed next to her. She listened for a moment, hearing the tab of a beer can open on the porch. Y/N climbed out of bed, sliding on some sandals before joining JJ on the porch. 

“Hey,” her voice was hoarse as she rubbed his back. “How’d you sleep?” JJ didn’t say anything, just shrugged. It was obvious that something was bothering him.

“J, what’s going on? You’ve been acting weird since yesterday. You know you can talk to me.” 

“Yeah, Y/N/N, I know that, and I’m so grateful to have you, okay? It’s just..”

“Just what?” 

“I’ve been thinking, and I don’t think we should be together anymore.” 

Y/N's breath hitched. 

“What? Why? Did I do something? If I did something, please let me know because I can fix it, okay?” 

“Y/N/N, you didn’t do anything. In fact, it’s what I didn’t do.”

Y/N tilted her head in question. 

“I couldn’t save you, okay?! I tried and tried but he got to you too, and if we stay together, you could get hurt again, or worse, and I can’t handle that, Y/N/N! I can’t live knowing I’m putting you in danger.” 

Y/N's lip quivered and tears welled in her eyes. She couldn’t believe that the boy she loved so much thought he was the one who hurt her. JJ looked at her, two pairs of teary eyes meeting each other. JJ sighed, turning his back and rubbing his neck. 

“JJ, I am with you through everything. That is what I signed up for when I agreed to this relationship. I do not care who your father is. I do not care what shit I have to put myself through to see you alive and well. I love you and I always will. I am with you because I choose to be. Don’t you believe in us? No matter what shit life throws our way.” Tears were flowing freely down both of their faces now and Y/N's voice was cracking even more. “I do not care that I got hurt, because I am fine.” All JJ could see were the marks on her wrist and neck as he tried to listen to her words. He wanted to believe her, and Y/N could see he was trying. 

“What…What if you get hurt again? What do I do then, Y/N/N?” His voice cracked and it broke Y/N heart. 

“I don’t know, J, because it's hypothetical. I don’t know what’s going to happen to us in the future, but I do know I want to be with you through it all.”