( texts from last night ā send one for my muse's reaction )
( text )Ā : uh, do you have my pants because i have yours
( text )Ā : letās play another game of whose boxers are hanging on my fence
( text )Ā : update. a gay guy just told me that iām the most beautiful thing with a vagina he has ever seen. how should i feel about this?
( text )Ā : iām sorry about all the inappropriate shoe throwing.
( text )Ā : you killed a bottle of bacardi in 20 minutes. so much for being an organ donor.
( text )Ā : why canāt burritos get me drunk?
( text )Ā : i know youāre on a date and i should leave you alone, but about twenty minutes ago, i realized i havenāt been spanked in years so if youāre still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
( text )Ā : why is my bath tub filled with mud?
( text )Ā : iāve noticed we slowly have begun to phase the ābā out of our bromace.
( text )Ā : you just jumped of the couch and yelled āhidden tiger crouching dragon!ā thatās the answer to how you broke your finger.
( text )Ā : this is what my life has come to. drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
( text )Ā : if i open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
( text )Ā : apparently all year, theyāve been using me as a standard for drunkenness.
( text )Ā : all iām saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding i wash the stolen dye from his hair. iām not doing that a second time.
( text )Ā : i need to stop drunkenly getting naked. iām losing all my party clothes.
( text )Ā : please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. i mean heās the one with paint on his face. i donāt need him judge judying me.
( text )Ā : sooooo, how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital, but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
( text )Ā : hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
( text )Ā : so much for not drinking this week after this weekend. congrats, you made it until tuesday.
( text )Ā : i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.