suryadi, micah.

         He doesn’t mind explosive jealousy nearly as much as he should. And he figures she doesn’t mind love-struck rants half as much as she claims. Eyes roll and he shakes his head, scooting closer to the teenager as she goes on. Lanky fingers seek out tan features, thumb resting against smooth skin as he insists she turns back to face him.  ❛  How does never work for you?  ❜  They hold a meaning, the words, beyond what one would suspect. They act as a promise of a future he can’t foresee. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. The phrase echoes in his head but he shakes it off, letting his focus be entirely dedicated the younger. Events beyond his control aren’t left out of the vow, and though intentions are to keep the words escaping him— the universe doesn’t always agree with the boy.  ❛  You’re such a fuckin’ child.  ❜  The accusation that would come off harsh leaves his lips resembling affectionate, and the smile tugging at his lips confirm any suspicion. 

          Sometimes he wondered whether she argued just for the sake of it. If she was as unaware of his feelings for her that she seemed to be. She couldn’t be. A huff of air leaves the older, Julian trying to defuse the situation before it blows completely out of proportion.  ❛  Yeah, apparently I do.  ❜  He chimes in, nearly interrupting the younger’s statement. ❛  Seeing as my GIRLFRIEND can’t even stand me as much as talking to another girl. Seriously, Micah– what do you think’ll happen?  ❜  Sentence poses questions he doesn’t want answers to, so he leaves no time for her to cut in.  ❛  I mean, how many SAPPY speeches do you need to get that I’m kind of, completely, fuckin’ OBSESSED with you? Your words. What; you need me to blurt out that I love you for a second time? – - ‘Cause, you know, I do.  ❜  

          He knows she’s right, but Julian Apolskis has never been to admit being WRONG. Space isn’t put between them because he doesn’t WANT to, though a contributing factor is the message it’d send.  ❛  She’s just… fucking terrified of that shit, okay? I thought it’d be funny.  ❜  Explaining the reasoning behind it isn’t going to get her off his back, and he isn’t sure why he bothers. Instead, he rushes to his defence with one better. ❛  We’re just going as FRIENDS… Holden’s coming, too! And you– I wouldn’t go without you.  ❜ 

          He’s not an idiot, and he knows better than to take her word for it, yet he does. Awkward shifting in current position and his throat is cleared.  ❛  I kinda promised Molly Phillips I’d take her to the haunted house next weekend…  ❜  The confession isn’t much, though knowing his GIRLFRIEND it’s enough to set her off.  ❛  Like… months ago, kinda forget about it ‘till now.  ❜  

@suryadis !!

          He should’ve taken Holden’s offer, and for a moment: he’d considered it. But, eventually, she’d find out the truth. And Julian would rather it was from him than someone else. Besides, if it didn’t mean anything– why keep it a secret. They are inches away on the couch, watching some crappy horror movie his mom had rented & waiting for the older’s departure before moving any closer. Digits intertwined with the younger’s, and gaze locked on the screen ahead; attention, only superficially, being given to black & white pictures.  ❛  I need to tell you something,  ❜  It sounds more ominous than intended, but it’s too late to retrieve the statement.  ❛  And before I do, – think you can PROMISE not to kick my ass? I’d ‘preciate it.  ❜  Yeah, he’s not doing a very good job at making this out to be a light-hearted conversation.

           For a moment, he considered pulling away: allowing the girl to return to his anger, and him to the life he’d chosen. One on his own, without casualties. Though as arms wrap around a larger frame, relief washed over the older. And in the process, his own grew stronger: keeping the embrace lasting, refusing to let go off Micah Suryadi for as much as a second. Eyes closing, features buried in disheveled locks. Though the words that left the brunette cut deep, and Julian felt guilt manifest in his chest. Forcing himself to put space between them, if only a few inches, he finally faced the teen in what seemed to have been an eternity.   ❛  I won’t. —– Promise.  ❜  

❛ Just the SURFACE. Everyone’s got shit, you know —- something FUCKING their life up. Maybe I’ll send you out to fight  s c o u n d r e l s  if I ever need some ᴅᴇꜰᴇɴᴅɪɴɢ after they become my something ——- y’know, not … paying taxes, returning engagement rings life tips. Being ᴳᴼᴼᴰ enough of a person to come knocking at the door offering help life tips. It’s a depressing 𝙚𝙣𝙫𝙞𝙧𝙤𝙣𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 we’ve got going on, kid. HERE. ❜ Hand extended towards the other, gripping a glass clinking with ice floating in lemonade. 

        ❝ but they do! if you like it or not. well, from what i remember —– you’re pretty good with that. i can be nice to you & i’ll prove it to you . . right here! so, how’s julian? ❞

          He wasn’t strong enough, physically, to stand up on his own. Not for an extended period of time, at least. But for a few seconds, he could. And those seconds were put to use, foot planted onto hardwood floor – arms pulled the teen into his space. Micah providing him with stability in every fucking sense of the word.   ❛  I’m sorry.  ❜   His voice is lower now, muffled against a smaller frame; already feeling the dreadful unsteadiness inching closer. And not the physical uncertainty, but the one more emotional. Tears veiled chestnut tones, and Juli did his best to fight back the urge to let go; to no longer hold back every emotion dwelling within. 

❛ Juli give you a key … before? Spare’s under the mat just in case, so, uh, stop any robberies if you see them ——– you’ve really never used a machine before? No judgement or anything, that’s the DREAM life, but I’ve been loading that shit since I was seven. You’ve got to give me life tips in exchange for my amazing laundering lessons —— LEMONADE? ❜ 

❛ Nothing to feel BAD about. Better you take out emotions on a SOCCER BALL than anything else. ❜ He pauses, attempting for the vague encouragement to get her to continue past a cut off sentence. ❛ Anything you’d want to talk about? Even if it’s WEIRD talking to your soccer coach, I could find someone … younger. A girl. ❜

   ❝ my mom’s told me lots of different things: never eat before dinner, don’t wear that it makes you look old, but never that, no. how do you know where it belongs: it’s only a matter of time before other people’s issues become your personal ones. no, i didn’t —— . . mean it like that. i just think we’re kind of alike. wouldn’t hurt to have a human baseball bat as my friend. ❞

          Words strike the older in a velocity & strength he’d feared since their initial break-up. Sharp truths & lines that he would’ve rather avoided, all colliding with him at once. ❛  I’m SELFISH ? I’m doing this for YOU ! I did it for …  ❜  He pauses, because even Juli himself couldn’t begin to believe words escaping. They were half-truths at best. His own fear had always been greater than Micah’s, no matter what the situation. And maybe, possibly, it had played one too many tricks with an already exhausted mind.  ❛  I’m sorry, alright ? But it’s –– it’s too fucking late. I’m as good as dead, Micah.  ❜  He struggles to keep voice from breaking, only half as successful as he’d strived to be. 

extended palms cover an aggrieved expression as he speaks, fingers clawing away tears before they have the chance to divulge her current state ; one of hurt and agony and constant heartache that was so characteristically brought by him.  ‘  ----- YOURSELF!  ’  she’s considerate enough to finish his sentence in an oh so graceful manner ; a word so loud and filled with bitterness that she wallows in the following silence, which gives space for frustration and pain to grow.

❛ Uh, you know, it’d actually be more helpful to … do stuff around here. Mom’s working, so I’m more housewife than sister. Living off campus and … you know. So … helping in general at the house. Groceries and shit, like you said —– just, uh, maybe don’t let Juli see. If he was … that clear. You know how to do laundry? ❜

It was a little disconcerting to see Micah like this — she had always seemed more stoic than the other girls on the team, steel faced and determined. So as he witnesses her cry more freely than she had upon his first questioning, he accepts it, gingerly placing what’s supposed to be a comforting arm around her as she cries. Not sure what to say, there’s several moments of just tears and breathing before he speaks. ❛ Hey … it’s … it’s okay. You’re okay. ❜

she’s not sure why she’s crying anymore. her breakup, sure---- but it was more of a triggering factor. julian apolskis isn’t even on her mind as tears that have been waiting for years to be released run free, but rather the life she’s had to lead. this is not what she ever wanted for herself------ fatherless, sisterless, boyfriendless, homeless ; not a life anyone would want. and god, it’s so overwhelming that she’s reached the point of finding comfort on her soccer coach that it’s bizarre and she does not want to do this again, but the sense of security that washes over her alleviates her troubled mind----- and her sobs become easier to control. elliot gives her the time she needs to collect herself, and it’s only after a moment of silence ----- when all she did was bury her head in his chest ( god forbid he’d see more of her crying face ) ----- that she speaks again. 

    ❝ don’t really eat sugar. ruins your hips & your teeth. my mom said so HERSELF. oh, was it? i can easily throw out another one. just ask for it … yeah, ‘cause you have so many friends already. ❞

         Shallow breaths : and she wasn’t giving up. He knew she wouldn’t be. and the fact only stung more than if she had accepted the words he’d offered. Even as the desire to be close to Micah remained prominent as ever, it was the idea of their lack of future & inevitable end that caused the cracks in the hope that remained. And the mere knowledge of it was enough for Julian to give up a fight that hadn’t even begun. Because there was no hope. And there was no point. to his life, to their relationship, and arguably – to this conversation. Though her words cast doubt on decisions previously made, and he began questioning the effectiveness of staying away from the one person he demanded closeness to. Even if it was just for the remainder of a short life. But a mind had been made up long ago, and Julian remained dogmatic as ever. ❛ I’m NOT dragging you down with me … okay ? I’m not. ❜ Warm tones burning; tears threatening to make their escape, he struggled to keep the eye contact Micah was insisting on. 

micah clicks her tongue as a humorless laugh hurls out of plump lips, and she wonders if he thinks of her as a five-year-old who’s just learning how to math ; wonders if he’s forgotten she’s more brains than brawn despite the hostility he’s been a victim of. his mortality is something she’s been HIGHLY aware of since day one----- since the day her heart begged for a present and future next to him----- since the day just another DAY with him was enough. the state of her rage is fragile ; it stores FEAR & DESPERATION and just a drop of anything else is a recipe for destruction.