I was never sure how to tell the way you made me and how you broke me Except that I know i'm not the same as I was before It was like you shattered my very being and yet when put back together there were still a few pieces missing that I couldn't find How Beyoncé dropped Lemonade and you told me to turn that shit off but I was wondering would I rather be jealous or cr*zy How I called in sick to work for the third time that week because you couldn't go the five hours alone without calling another girl or drinking yourself to the point that you always got How then it was the name calling and shouting making me come and drop whatever I was doing and fetch you and take you home just to get your abuse and make me feel like I was stopping you from having fun when you were near the point of passing out How I dragged you by your arms down your street to put you in bed after you had gone for just one drink with your ex How I was never as fun or as easygoing as they supposedly were How no matter how much I drank or how many drugs I took into that being the only time I felt okay it was never enough for you I was boring and you hated boring How everything would have been okay if I just hadn't found out How you lied to my face and told me you loved me as your lips had just come from kissing her How you thought you could date us both How you took me on holiday with your family and she told me you were with her our whole relationship and as I cried with your sister in law I found out that it runs in the family How I've tried to block out all the things you called me and the way you spoke harsh and horrible things about me to your friends but they cut deeper than the scars I forced myself not to make on my arms because you told me you couldn't love a self-harmer How the girls on Tinder you spoke to thought you were single as you flirted with them all How many times you left me crying in the street and walked away without a backward glance How I wasn't allowed to have any secrets or see other people and how you hated all my friends until I'd lost contact with nearly everyone and was alone How many times I tried to leave and you begged me to stay with promises of change and how much you loved me How I found you a house, sorted all your moving and you asked me to move in with you and yet you left me stranded every time you decided you didn't want me back because you had another girl over or a party or literally anything that was better than me How when I got arrested and all my friends were there waiting for me to get out and I came out wanting to see you I got told you'd decided waiting for me wasn't worth it so you'd gone to drop acid instead and I cried as I walked to my friends house instead How I asked you constantly to stop joking about trigger warnings and instead you responded to everything I said when sad, upset or angry with 'haha triggered' and laughed in my face How you told me that depression, anxiety, PTSD and mental health problems arent real as I spent weeks in bed crying unable to even make it to the shop at the top of the road How you laughed and joked and called your cruelness autism although you are not autistic and that's not okay How despite all this you have a job looking after vulnerable women with mental health problems who you laugh about constantly How we ate what you wanted, did what you wanted, went where you wanted and talked to who you wanted and I had to follow How you told me not to give up on you or abandon you like you said everyone else had but really they had just managed to get free How you made me stay because if I left it made me heartless and mean How I stayed because I believed you needed me, wanted me and deep down loved me How you started off so differently and all my friends even thought you were great so no one suspected how much you changed once I was trapped How I felt so bad about my image and myself because I wasn't good enough that I started wearing the same oversize clothes and trying not to be noticed instead of dressing how I wanted How once you'd had a drop of alcohol or drugs there was no stopping you and the ugly words you'd say until you'd nearly or passed out How regularly you'd choose alcohol or drugs or literally any other person over me without a second thought even as I was begging you not to How I stopped doing anything other than be by your side 24/7 because once I was out of sight I was out of mind and you would fuck around without a second thought How I gave you uncountable chances to stop and yet you never did How you left my clothes in a bag on the road when I finally did leave and how other than to 'trigger' me every so often you never spoke to me again How little I meant to you and how much I had given you How 5 months with you felt like a lifetime and how the sadness felt like it would never leave How I had to remake myself after you because I wasn't sure who I was anymore How this isn't even everything you did to me and I've been trying to block everything out for so long How now I struggle to believe what people tell me How now I feel unable to leave the people I love alone without constant worry How I feel no one can really love me How now i'm having to fight every urge to be jealous and cr*zy How now I panic when people walk away from me suddenly and I cry when people shout at me How I've not felt good about myself or how I look since then and dress down rather than up still How I can be doing anything and it remind me of you or something you said to me How I spend a lot more days in bed alone now crying How I still haven't reconnected with my friends properly after over 6 months How I know I am getting better but it's slowly and i'm never going to be as confident or happy as I was before you How I bottled this up for six months and I finally needed to let it out and I feel a little lighter for it How I know I am strong but yet I still feel so weak instead Although I was with someone like this it doesn't mean that anyone can treat me as weak or differently now that they know. But I also wish people to understand that i'm not ignoring people or avoiding people now. I am just finding it hard still to cope and get back to being as sociable as I used to be and my MH is still pretty shitty. Im trying.
