my question for y’all - y’all reading this who probably haven’t seen my username in years - what keeps you on this site? do you feel a change in community, or in your own self and how you blog, over the past few years? 

or, less specifically - what’s up!!! how ARE you! 

i’m literally a mid-20′s young woman now, someone who has moved all around the US and lived in europe and has (two!) degrees and many jobs and damn!! it’s such a strange sweet trip to log back into my tumblr and be 17 again - to be 17 and reblogging photos of urban spaces and rainy days and forests that i didn’t have access to as a teenager in rural arizona. most profound to me is that the photos i reblogged in 2014 were aspirational, but they look a lot like photos that i’ve taken and sights that i’ve seen since then. my life has literally become the things that i used to blog about. i have literally made my tumblr a reality? i moved to a city! i fell in love, a few times! i went to indie rock shows and met cuties at poetry readings and walked alone through snowy streets. i own succulents. i’ve seen the sunrise though the windows of my own apartment and goddamn... i own my very own car - a car in which i hold my boyfriend’s left hand with my right hand while i drive. i’ve lived on farms and hiked through forests and swam in hidden streams. the romance that i dared to imagine in my high school days are now the memories of my college days. and now, (post college!) i find myself craving new inspiration.... what draws me in? what looks.... cool ? what looks romantic? who do i want to be now? where do i want to go next? tumblr was my original moodboard! and damn i’m proud that i fulfilled it..... but now! what? 

there are poems in me, a volcano of words, but i'm experiencing a severe disconnect to my fingers. i haven't been writing a lot lately. my hands hover over keys, typing a mess of letters, then backspacing. type type backspace backspace backspace. two steps forward, three steps back. 

go to a house show. get drunk. kiss a cutie. go to a democrat party. get drunk. kiss a cutie. go to church. decide not to drink for a while. two steps forward, three steps back. 

go on a coffee date. decide to be just friends. go on a coffee date. awkwardly and indirectly reject proposal for a second date. realize i haven't been with guys who do me justice. decide to stay away from boys for a while. two steps forward, three steps back. 

today marks the end of week 9. week 11 is finals week. week 12 is spring break. week 13 is week 1 of spring quarter. 

fall quarter feels so far away. it was full of firsts and every experience was new.

winter quarter is for refining my taste. i like house shows.  i like democrat parties. i don't like frat parties. i like drinking to forget. i don't like knowing that i use drinking to forget. (what am i trying to forget?) i like local concerts in wicker park. i like using loud obscure music to forget. (what am i trying to forget?)

i'm afraid of the comfort of routine. it's easy to revert to a previous state of mind. i don't like things that are easy. (but i don't necessarily like things that are hard either)

i don't know a lot of things. i like figuring things out. but figuring things out is frustrating. why do i bother? i don't think labels matter. why am i constantly trying to label myself? do i not care about my aesthetic or is my aesthetic that i don't care about my aesthetic? is my search for myself futile? the unexamined life isn't worth living but i'm tired of the examined life. examining life makes me tired. i should stop reading nietzsche. i never want to be content. i strive for balance. have i ever been balanced? what am i trying to balance?