SHE COULD FEEL HERSELF WANTING TO RETRACT, to curl up and forget this conversation altogether. even though they were were still in the midst of talking or arguing or whatever youâd like to call it, mai didnât like the current status of where the conversation was at nor where it was going. crossing her arms over her chest as a visible defense mechanism, the brunette looked over to matt with mixed emotions that were beginning to leak through her usually unreadable exterior. âyou wouldnât understand, you just wouldnât. just forget about it.â matt was as human as they came and mai wasnât going to taint that. it just wasnât fair. if that upset of frustrated him then she was okay with it because in the end she was doing him a favor whether he knew it or notâŚor at least thatâs what she was telling herself. silence struck and the witch became noticeably quiet. at this point she felt like she was standing in quicksand and every move she made only threatened to submerge her deeper until she hit a point of no return. there was no escape, to any of it. even running didnât seem like a possibility at this point as her legs felt as heavy as the darkness and the pain that loomed over her. as much as she would like to say the she just didnât care at allâŚshe did. and right now she found that what he said had somehow possessed a certain unexpected sting to it that she didnât wish to feel. if anything, that made her feel even more reason to stay away. to keep her distance. âlife. my lifeâŚmy past and even present experiences are what make me think that way. itâs why i find it so crazy. itâs why i am the way i am. sometimes thatâs just how people are built. itâs not that big of a deal.â while she had attempted to make it sound like her usual careless remark, it seemed this time around it lacked itâs usual punch and instead faltered horribly. âwhat i want doesnât matterâŚit just doesnât, okay? do what you want. if that makes it easier then go ahead.â as soon as he a step forward, she made a point to look elsewhere as her arms remained crossed. ânothing, it means nothing,â she said quickly with obvious undertones of defensiveness evident which only served to make what she was saying sound like a bold faced lie. âjust forget it matt, forget all of this, okay?!â she almost pleaded with him as she began to shift uncomfortably. âi should justâŚ.go. you have class andâŚi just need to leave, okay? justâŚplease forget i said anything.â
matt didnât want to fight anymore. he hadnât gone into this originally intending to fight with mai, but somewhere along the line it had escalated to that point and he felt the intense need to defend himself against her words. but not anymore. âwhat, so i donât know you, but you know me? how do you know what i wonât understand?â heâd been through his own fair share of crap in his life, in his past experiences. it wasnât something he was using as an excuse to push everyone away from him, and in fact it was more of a reason he loved and cared more deeply. it was easier than being alone, even if thatâs where he was at the end of every night anyway. matt could only watch, helplessly, as she sunk into her quicksand. the quicksand that not even the strength of a quarterback could pull her out of, a thought that made him want to walk away and never look back because it was work. it was so much work. but it wasnât in matt to leave it when that was what she was saying on the outside, when his guts and his brain and his heart told him something wasnât right. perhaps it was something he misinterpreted, something that meant he should use as more of a reason to walk away. his feet were cemented to the floor while her facade crumbled before his eyes. or, at least, pieces of it. âit is a big deal, mai. youâre a big deal to me. maybe thatâs crazy but i donât care.â his world would not end, nor would life as he knew it, end, if she succeeded in pushing him away from her. at most a few weeks and the guilt he felt from giving up, and the hurt he felt from being rejected that way, would being to subside. there was something about how lost she seemed, how confused she seemed, how close she was to opening up to him, at least from what he could sense. which probably wasnât a lot, because matt wasnât great at reading people. that only made it even more difficult for him to understand her. âi want to help you. i know more than you think. iâm not just a dumb jock, okay? so please, just. . . let me help you.â but the thing was that it didnât need to be that way. she looked like and sounded like she needed help, more than he originally thought before from her moody moments and underlying dark statements. it felt like something deeper and scarier to matt than it had before. hearing his first name instead of his last leaving her lips, that was the part that really brought goosebumps to his arms. it wasnât so simple to just forget like she insisted. it wasnât something he could let her walk away while he thought about it, worried, wondering if sheâd be at school tomorrow or the next day or the next day. she couldnât just expect that.