this just in: heab hurt

possible careers for strange beautiful women include being hit repeatedly with hammers (non sexual) or being hit with hammers (sexual)

guess who’s scared shitless of what’s coming next

doing petplay and gunplay at the same time im a horse with a broken leg and you have to just shoot me

"delusions of grandeur" who said anything about delusions? i'm a very rralistic and pragmatic person. i'm aware of my own greateness to the extent that an ant is aware it needs sugar. it is simply a fact. nothing more. a base understanding so concrete that without if i would be losing a fundamental part of my soul. also i have never been manic ever i'm normal

Bring back spitting in mouths bring back dry humping bring back finger sucking bring back face grabbing

surgery is so intimate like what do you mean im gonna be naked and asleep on a table while surrounded by a group of people who are responsible for my very life. kind of sexual. i mean who said that

[desperately trying to sexualize doing laundry] putting... my load... in the

sometimes it's like nobody even wants to cut a hole in me and fuck me through it

there should be an emoji of a guy trying to strangle themself

Sometimes I forget that Family Guy is a real TV show that like produces new episodes that are watched by millions of people and isn't just a slightly different genre of Wojaks.

my toddler is 3 years old and wont eat anything other than fine porterhouse steaks and sweet port wine

you need to discipline your child. port is a horrible choice for the main course and wildly clashes with a rich béarnaise.

dude hes three….

And uncultured. Get a new child

i can't really make fun of gaylors because of my whole deal but they're wrong and i'm right